M*A*S*H

Ah.

‐Major? ‐Klinger, go away.

I'’ve tried that. They keep bringing me back.

‐Where'’s Tonto? ‐Klinger.

Where'’d you get the eyeshades?

Firing squad surplus.

Perhaps you'’d like to borrow them

when I have you shot.

Shoot the hand that feeds you booze?

You didn'’t.

You did!

Napoleon brandy.

That'’s what you paid for. That'’s what you got.

Ah! Napoleon,

had you given more of this to Josephine,

she might have stayed home nights. (laughing)

Here. I have‐‐

I have protected this from the domestic swill.

‐It would have... ‐(ting)

...bruised the crystal.

Ha. Profound apologies for ever doubting

that you would actually procure this nectar.

‐Where'’d you get it? ‐Don'’t ask.

Klinger, I'’ve underestimated you.

You may be a boob,

but you have the cunning of a mongoose.

Thank you, I think.

Go ahead. Have a snort.

One does not snort cognac, Klinger.

One entices cognac.

First, one warms it.

Then one lures the scent to the waiting nostrils.

One urges it to insinuate its fumes

through the joyous olfactory passages.

I get the feeling we'’re not talkin'’ boilermakers here.

Klinger, at this moment,

I envy you your nose.

Oh, yeah? In that case, uh,

can I have some?

Klinger, when one receives a new divan,

one does not invite the delivery boy

to repose upon it.

Suffice it to way that you have earned my eternal gratitude,

and admiration.

As you were, men.

Hey, is that real brandy, Charles?

Napoleon brandy.

Can I have some? I'’m a little short right now.

None for me, Charles. It offends my palate,

not to mention my "copalate."

Besides, what'’s brandy without cherry syrup?

Rave on, witless drones.

Nothing can mitigate the rapture of this moment.

Sounds good, Beej. Get out the Howdy Doody glasses.

Don'’t bother.

Not so much as a dram for either of you.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Come early and get a good table.

Not now. Not now.

The ravages of war, Winchester.

Keep a stiff upper nose, Chuck.

Pre‐op, stat.

‐(chattering) ‐Shrapnel.

Her vital signs are stable, but she'’s terrified.

‐M.S., a quarter. ‐Yeah, yeah. Good. Okay.

As soon as that takes effect, we'’ll operate.

Look at this. A civilian.

The war'’s still a big hit in the suburbs.

Put him down right here.

‐(speaking Korean) ‐Okay, okay, okay.

‐NURSE: Get two units of blood! ‐MAN: Two whole units!

She will live, yes?

She'’s taken some shell fragments.

There'’s a lot of that going around.

I think she'’ll be all right.

I'’m Lieutenant Hung Lee Park,

and this woman is my prisoner.

We'’ve got something in common.

I'’m Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

and this woman is my patient.

She'’s an enemy guerrilla.

Good. I'’ll frisk her for bananas.

Do not be fooled by her civilian clothing, Captain.

She'’s a member of the Communist underground

and as dedicated to killing as any uniformed soldier.

She could be Lizzie Borden for all I care.

My job is to make sure she stays alive.

Now, if you'’ll excuse me,

I got a lot of other dangerous victims to look at.

All right, we can move him now. Corpsman!

Margaret Houlihan, as I live and breathe heavily.

Is that so? Scully!

Finally figured out a way to get back to see you.

‐Stepped in front of a speeding bullet. ‐Pierce.

‐Hey, that'’s‐that'’s, uh‐‐ ‐Scully. Scully.

‐Yeah, yeah. ‐What do you say, Doc?

Well, the bleeding'’s stopped.

Luckily you have a self‐sealing belly button.

You were in a lot worse shape

the first time we met over at Rosie'’s.

Yeah. That'’s a night I'’ll never remember.

I do. We were under adjoining tables.

Could we talk about parties later and get him into surgery?

Surgery‐‐ that'’s where they go.

I keep sending them to the laundry.

Hunnicutt!

Hey, Margaret, relax. He'’s gonna be all right.

‐Hey. Scully. ‐B. J.

Told you that rotgut would put a hole in your stomach.

You know, you'’re right.

From now on, I'’m payin'’ the extra nickel for the good stuff.

He'’s in agony. He just won'’t admit it.

I don'’t know what'’s in your belly, pal, but we'’ll dig into it.

You'’d better take him, Beej. I'’m gonna work on that woman over there.

Hey, hey! Wait a second! Wait a minute!

This isn'’t a cafeteria.

You don'’t just help yourself to a patient.

‐If you want something to go, take these guys. ‐Call them off.

I need a couple of corpsmen over here.

Find somebody else to dance with. Her card is filled.

You'’re very pushy. You'’d have a great career gate‐crashing.

I have the authority to question this woman.

‐All right. What'’s your hurry? ‐(exclaims in Korean)

Lady, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Pre‐op, and don'’t stop for lights.

‐Come on. ‐NURSE: I need some blood.

Bingo. That Scully'’s a real veteran.

He even trained his spleen to duck.

Have a look, Margaret?

I'’ll take your word for it.

Afraid you'’ll discover some hidden flaw?

Go ahead, Margaret, peek. I'’m sure he'’d look at yours.

‐Thank you, no. ‐You won'’t be disappointed, Margaret.

He'’s got an adorable liver.

And his onions aren'’t bad, either.

I must say, that‐‐ that man out there seems very menacing.

Padre, when you'’re totin'’ a gun

and a couple of hand grenades,

it'’s a little hard to look lovable.

Will you look at this?

There'’s less iron in Pittsburgh.

Why is that lieutenant in such a hurry to question her anyway?

Is he afraid she'’ll rust?

You'’ll feel a twinge now and then,

but that'’s to be expected.

‐Yeah. I'’m feelin'’ one now. ‐Oh.

My wound'’s bothering me a little too.

‐Welcome back, Scully. ‐Thanks, Margaret.

It'’s good to see you again.

‐I'’ll come back after I finish my rounds. ‐Okay.

Hi, there. Anybody here from out of town?

Ah, a lady from New Jersey.

Wonderful. For being such a good sport,

you'’ve won yourself an all‐expense‐paid week

here in the recovery room of the Hotel MASH.

Well, if it isn'’t the Good Humor man.

Uh, Lieutenant, I'’m not much on military jargon,

but, from one army officer to another‐‐ am‐scray.

She'’s awake. I wish to ask but a few simple questions.

‐Where is the harm? ‐Oh, I'’m sorry.

The public nuisance hour has just ended.

Why don'’t you come back in about six months?

Doctor, you seem to have a rather strange sense of right and wrong.

I will tell you once more.

This woman is an enemy guerrilla.

‐(shouting in Korean) ‐Oh. Shh, shh, shh! Quiet.

‐Will you get the hell outta here! ‐Very well.

I have sentries posted outside to prevent her escape.

All right, I'’ll see your sentries and raise you a nurse.

Major, if Lieutenant Park or any of his Parkettes

set one hobnailed toe inside that door, just call me.

Yes, Doctor.

Shh. It'’s okay.

That guy Park is one tough cookie.

You know him?

A little. It'’s a small war.

Can you believe that guy?

I'’ve never tried that hard to get a girl.

‐Doesn'’t he think she'’s a guerrilla? ‐I don'’t care what he thinks.

All I want to do is heal her wounds.

You might be wasting your time, Hawkeye.

Whether she'’s a guerrilla or not, from what I hear,

if he gets hold of her,

he won'’t let up till he'’s got what he wants.

‐You mean torture? ‐Well, he starts with torture.

Then to take your mind off the pain, he kills you.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Not this time. Not with my patient.

Guerrilla or no, that lady has some of my best knitting in her

and I'’m not gonna let Park unravel it.

You boys may be in over your heads here.

Has it occurred to you that this lady could very well be

what Park says she is?

Sure. So do we turn her over to some guy who just wants to kill her?

What the hell are we doing, nursing her back to death?

Well, look who'’s run out of patience and wants one of mine.

Sorry, you'’ll just have to wait

'’til we get the woman back on her feet before you break her legs.

Pierce.

No matter what you may think of me, Captain,