Parks and Recreation

.

- KNOPEY, MY GIRL, WHAT UP?

I JUST FARTED. - OH, JEREMY.

I TRULY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE

TO INTERACT WITH YOU AGAIN.

I MISSED YOU TOO.

THE CITY COUNCIL IS VOTING

ON WHETHER TO REZONE

THE NEWPORT LAND FOR COMMERCIAL USE.

IF I WIN, STUPID GRYZZL AND STUPID RON

CAN'T BUILD ANYTHING THERE, AND THEN I'M SITTING PRETTY.

SADLY, THE DECIDING VOTE IS FROM MY OLD CITY COUNCIL MATE

AND HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF GAS STATION SUSHI, JEREMY JAMM.

SO I AM HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE "NO"

IN THE ZONING ISSUE-- - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

HOLD UP, LITTLE CHICA.

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I NEED TO ASK MY GIRLFRIEND

HOW SHE WANTS ME TO VOTE.

- WHY? WHO'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

HELLO, LESLIE.

TAMMY!

*

WOW, JAMM AND TAMMY. JAMMY.

JAMMY.

- YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE. WHEN DID YOU--

WHY WOULD EITHER ONE OF YOU, UH, YOU KNOW, WHY?

DEAR GOD, WHY?

HIT IT OFF AT KARAOKE.

SHE SAW ME NAIL GANGSTA'S PARADISE.

I SAW HER BITE THE DOOR GUY... -

- SHE THEN LET ME BUY HER A BUNCH OF PURSES,

AND THE REST IS HISTORY. - A BUNCH.

- WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS GREAT NEWS,

BECAUSE RON IS MY OPPONENT IN THIS,

AND YOU LIVE TO TORTURE RON.

VOTE FOR ME

SO THAT YOU CAN SCREW RON OVER.

- MAYBE YOU'RE NOT A BLONDE BIMBO AFTER ALL.

- THANK YOU. - WELL, LET ME MULL IT OVER.

- SURE, I'M ALIGNING MYSELF WITH TERRIBLE PEOPLE,

BUT THINK OF ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE

WHO WILL BENEFIT FROM A NATIONAL PARK!

IT'S WORTH IT, AND YOU CAN TRUST MY OPINION

BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT TO GAIN BY BEING RIGHT,

AND I HAVE SEVERE TUNNEL VISION ABOUT ACHIEVING MY GOALS.

- JOAN, ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE CITY, CONGRATULATIONS.

I DO WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ACCOMMODATE

SOME OF YOUR REQUESTS. - OH.

- FOR EXAMPLE, WE COULDN'T GET A BOTTLE

OF CHATEAU MARMONT BECAUSE IT'S A HOTEL

IN LOS ANGELES, NOT A WINE.

- WELL, DID YOU AT LEAST GET BUDDY HOLLY TO SING?

- NO, BECAUSE HE'S BEEN FAMOUSLY DEAD FOR 60 YEARS.

- WHAT? - HI, JOAN.

HI, MY NAME IS APRIL, AND I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN,

AND I PRETTY MUCH HATE EVERYONE. - OH.

- WILL YOU SIGN YOUR NINTH MEMOIR FOR ME?

- WELL, IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE.

YOU SAID YOUR NAME WAS GLENN?

- YES, I DID. - THAT'S PRETTY.

- JOAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN KIND OF A TRAIN WRECK,

BUT THE LAST THREE YEARS, SHE'S GONE OFF THE DEEP END.

SHE DID A STRING OF SHOWS FROM REHAB.

- VICTORIA HERZOG, YOU WERE A SUCCESSFUL ATTORNEY

FROM WILMINGTON, DELAWARE.

THEN YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

- THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANONYMOUS.

- SHE ONCE GAVE EVERY MEMBER IN HER AUDIENCE A CAR.

ONE CAR, THAT THEY ALL HAD TO FIGHT FOR.

OH, AND LAST YEAR SHE DID A SHOW

WHERE SHE CALLED ALL OF HER EX-BOYFRIENDS

WHILE SITTING ON A WASHING MACHINE.

- WELL, ERIK, IF YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME,

THEN WHO DID?

I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

I HOPE SHE'S MY REAL MOM.

- "ENTREPRENEUR-BACHELOR TOM HAVERFORD

"IS MAKING QUITE A SPLASH IN THE CULINARY WORLD.

WE EXPECT EVEN BIGGER THINGS FROM HIM IN 2018."

TOM, WHAT DOES "CULINARY" MEAN?

- MEANS THIS IS A CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.

ROUND OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE ON THE HOUSE.

YEAH!

OH, LET ME ALSO GET A CHICKEN PARM

AND A LASAGNA ON THE SIDE.

AND A SPAGHETTI TO GO. ON THE HOUSE!

YES.

THAT'S THE FOURTH ENGAGEMENT THIS MONTH.

I'M TIRED OF BEING AN ENTREPRENEUR/BACHELOR.

I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE.

ARE YOU BUMMED, TOM?

HEY, I GOT A QUICK FIX FOR THAT.

LET'S GET HAMMERED.

EVERYTHING HERE IS FREE.

RON.

- MS. KNOPE. HOW'S THAT $0 BID COMING ALONG?

YOU KNOW, IN MY EXPERIENCE WITH CAPITALISM,

PEOPLE NORMALLY EXPECT MONEY IN EXCHANGE

FOR THEIR GOODS AND LAND.

- IN MY EXPERIENCE WITH BUTTFACES, YOU ARE ONE.

- WE WILL NOW HEAR ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE NEWPORT PROPERTY.

FIRST, ON BEHALF OF GRYZZL, MR. RON SWANSON.

THANK YOU, COUNCILMAN.

WHEN YOU VOTE TOMORROW, WE BELIEVE YOU SHOULD VOTE

TO REZONE THE LAND FOR COMMERCIAL USE.

- WELL, I'M CONVINCED. TOMORROW I'M VOTING FOR GRYZZL.

WHAT?

I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO SAY MY PLAN.

YOUR PLAN?

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD A PLAN?

PLEASE DON'T SAY HITLER.

- ADOLF HITLER. -

I'M WITH SWANSON.

IT'S A STACHE THING. STACHE BROS.

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE DONE HERE.

WELL, THAT WAS EASY.

- WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

- THANK YOU, COMMISSIONER GORDON,

PEOPLE OF GOTHAM.

- OKAY, SHE THINKS SHE'S IN BATMAN.

- PEOPLE OFTEN ASK ME, "JOAN, HOW DO YOU DO IT?"

IT'S SIMPLE.

I LOVE BEING ON TV.

I'VE KNOWN WHAT I'VE WANTED TO DO

SINCE I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.

THAT IS THE KEY TO LIVING A GOOD LIFE.

IF YOU DON'T ABSOLUTELY LOVE WHAT YOU DO WITH A TRUE PASSION,

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT IN DOING IT AT ALL?

ON A SEPARATE NOTE,

I THINK THAT AMERICA SHOULD HAVE A PURGE NIGHT.

LET ME EXPLAIN WHY.

- DO I EVEN LIKE MY JOB?

- I MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON EVER

TO HAVE MONEY, POWER, AND NOTORIETY

BUT STILL FEEL EMPTY. -

- I NEED SOMEONE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH.

- WHAT IF YOUR FUTURE WIFE IS SOMEBODY THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW?

LET'S OPEN YOUR GRYZZL PAGE.

WHAT ABOUT HER? SHE'S CUTE.

DATE HER. - THAT'S MY COUSIN.

OH. HOW ABOUT HER?

- THAT'S MY DAD! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M DRUNK, OKAY?

WHY ARE YOU ONLY FRIENDS WITH YOUR FAMILY?

OOH, LOOK, YOU JUST GOT A MESSAGE

FROM SOMEBODY NAMED LUCY IN CHICAGO.

SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.

- YEAH, WE USED TO DATE. I WAS SUPER INTO HER.

- NO, THAT'S NOT IT. WAS SHE IN DESTINY'S CHILD?

- "HEY, TOM. SAW THE ARTICLE, YOU BOSS!

LET'S CATCH UP SOON. MISS YOU."

- DO YOU REALIZE WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WE HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE

SEARCHING FOR YOUR SOUL MATE THIS WHOLE TIME,

AND THEN LUCY JUST GRYZZL-TEXTS YOU OUT OF NOWHERE?

IT'S A SIGN, AND WE HAVE TO CATCH IT.

WE ARE GOING TO CHICAGO.

- ANDY, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW,

'CAUSE IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA ANYONE'S EVER HAD.

LET'S GO! - YEAH!

RON, WHAT DID YOU DO?

- I DELIVERED A FLAWLESS PRESENTATION

AND SECURED TOMORROW'S VOTE.

- NO, YOU GOT ALL SNEAKY AND SNUCK AROUND

AND SNOOKED THAT VOTE AWAY FROM ME.

AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE EARLIER I SNEAKED AND SNOOKED AROUND,

AND JAMMY WAS SUPPOSED TO VOTE FOR ME.

THE SNOOKER HAS BECOME THE SNORKED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING--

SHE'S NEAR.

HEY, RON.

TAMMY.

SO YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER NOW.

MY CONDOLENCES TO BOTH OF YOU. - MM.

- YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO VOTE FOR ME.

- LESLIE, I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOU.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN AGAINST ME AND RON.

YOU'RE A BIG PART OF THE REASON THAT HE AND I AREN'T TOGETHER

AND I HAD TO SETTLE FOR THIS PLACEHOLDER.

- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. -

- SO YOU THOUGHT IF YOU VOTED FOR RON,

YOU COULD ACTUALLY WIN HIM BACK?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

DID IT WORK, BABY?

ARE YOU HORNY WITH GRATITUDE?

YOU TWO MORE THAN DESERVE EACH OTHER.

GOOD LUCK.

THE VOTE IS TOMORROW.

IF I DON'T GET JAMM OUT FROM TAMMY'S CLUTCHES,

I'M DOOMED!

IT'S LIKE RESCUING A BUNNY FROM A LION,

BUT THAT LION IS A DEMONIC SOCIOPATH

.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE HERE.

- SIR, WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

CHICAGO.

THAT'LL BE $830.

- OH, NO. -

- THIS IS SO DUMB. - AWESOME!