Two and a Half Men

Previously on...

I-I think we can all agree

that Charlie lived life to its fullest

and-and gave it everything he had.

Gave me herpes.

I still don't see why we have to sell.

I mean, he left it to me.

Obviously, he wanted me to have it.

Can you make the mortgage payments?

Not per say.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I was just trying to drown myself.

You tried to commit suicide?

Yeah.

I had no idea that the water would be that cold.

I have been where you are.

Uh, rejected, friendless, broke.

I'm not broke.

I'm worth, like, a billion dollars.

Beg pardon?

I just went to one funeral,

I don't want to be involved in another one.

Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?

About what?

Why somebody would want

to kill themselves when they have a billion freakin' dollars.

My...

wife dumped me, and I want to die.

I don't know

if I can ever love anyone the way that I love her.

Oh, it'll be okay.

Oh, God, I miss my wife!

Guess what.

I had sex with two girls last night.

Great. Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.

I like my night better.

Hey, I dig your house, so I'm gonna buy it, okay?

O-Okay.

You're the best.

Oh. Ugh.

Whoa.

Um, this is Walden.

He's gonna buy the house.

Welcome to my humble abode.

* Men.

So, what do think?

Will you stay on?

I'd consider it, if the price is right.

I'd also consider smothering you

with my sweet, sweet loving.

Well, money is not an issue.

Good to know.

Ka-ching.

What's down here?

Ice.

Mm. I like it better on top.

Me, too, puppy.

Anyway, what I really need is

a housekeeper who's gonna be here all the time.

'Cause, you know, I'm not very good at taking care of myself.

Oh, I can take care of you.

Oh, I can take care of you.

Well, my car's all packed.

I guess I'm ready to go.

Great news, Alan.

Berta has agreed to be my live-in housekeeper.

Really?

Yeah, he talked me into it.

I wonder what his sweat tastes like.

Well, that is good news.

Uh, here are a couple of sets of keys,

remotes for the garage,

and remember, garbage pickup is on Tuesday.

Oh, you take care of the garbage, right?

Nope.

Well, uh, guess it's time for me to go.

Wait. Come here.

Give us a hug good-bye.

Seriously?

Come on, Alan.

Despite everything, you and me have been like family.

Uh, I guess.

I'm taking your room, Zippy.

Of course you are.

Well, see ya.

I'll walk you out.

I could bite that ass like an apple.

Well, I hope you'll be very happy here, Walden.

Thank you. I don't know if I can be

happy anywhere without my wife.

Oh, come on, you're young, you're rich,

and you've got a face that gives women an erection.

What about love?

What about commitment?

What about spending a lifetime with your spiritual soul mate?

Hey, look, a peephole!

Hello!

Man, I love peepholes.

Well, you know what they say.

People who love peepholes...

are the luckiest people in the world.

Okay, good luck.

Hey, thank you for all your help and advice.

Oh, you're welcome.

Uh, and if you ever need a friend to talk to man-to-man,

you know where to find me.

Your mommy's.

Only temporarily.

Okay.

Well, uh, if I left anything here,

feel free to, you know, keep it, throw it away, whatever.

Great. Bye.

Bye.

Bye!

Okay, Walden Schmidt.

It is time to start your new life as a single man in Malibu.

Hello?

Dad?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Why are you unpacking?

Because you told me I could stay here.

Temporarily.

Yeah, a few days, a couple of weeks,

a month, tops.

Yeah, right.

Why can't you just stay with your girlfriend?

Oh, oh, this isn't a very good time for Lyndsey and I

to be moving in together.

Why not?

Well, she's going through

one of those phases where, uh, the very touch of me

fills her with revulsion.

Um...

I-I'm thinking it's premenopause.

Yes, I'm sure that's why.

Well, just so you know,

I'm not putting my life on hold while you're here.

Oh, and I wouldn't expect you to.

Just go on with your life.

Do whatever it is you would do, as if I weren't here.

Well, I have a date tonight.

Oh, great.

We'll probably wind up having sex.

Sure.

Rough sex.

Right.

So, stay away from my bedroom.

No problem.

Even if you hear me screaming.

Especially if I hear you screaming.

Unless I'm repeatedly screaming "umbrella."

U-Umbrella?

That's my safe word.

Sometimes they can't hear it through the leather mask.

Most moms would've stopped with "I have a date tonight."

* Men.

Hey, Bridge, it's me again.

What is the name of that shampoo that I use

that doesn't sting my eyes?

Baby shampoo?

Where do I get it?

Any supermarket.

That is remarkably convenient.

Oh, uh, while I have you on the phone,

will you take me back?

Wow, it's like "no" is your favorite word now.

Okay, whoa, don't hang up, don't hang up.

Hey, uh, what is the toilet paper that we use?

You know, the stuff that's soft on my tushy like a cloud.

You grow up.

H-Hello?

Hey, Berta, will you run to the supermarket

and get me baby shampoo? Sure.

Then I'll sit in the tub with you and wash your hair.

Oh, Berta.

I miss her so much.

Oh, hey.

Hey, everything's gonna be all right.

Just wait and see.

I've never felt so bad in my life.

And I never felt so good.

Don't!

Stop!

Don't!

Stop!

What are you doing?

I said don't stop!

I should be on the roof with a rifle.

Oh. Hey, Walden. Hey.

Uh, you left some books in your room.

Oh, thank you.

Um, you didn't have to drive all the way over here.

Is it really possible to hypnotize a woman

and make her your slave?

Oh.

That was a, that was a gag gift for my birthday.

What about Ten Minutes a Day to Incredible Wealth?