New Girl

- Mmm. - Can you two

please tell us why you summoned us here?

Thank you for coming. It is appreciated,

especially since Aly is on bed rest.

We brought you here today to choose a godparent.

Oh, yes! Sorry. I'm sorry. Carry on.

Now, on my side, we have my entire network

of good friends. Friends so close,

I consider them family.

And on my side, we have Leslie.

- I'm all she's got. - Oh, boy.

All right, everybody, please line up in formation.

Winston, I don't have time for this. It's my first day back at

Ass Strat tomorrow. I should be moisturizing and making dreams.

Schmidt, we didn't choose you.

- You may face the wall. - Dork!

- Watch it. - Cece,

we didn't choose you either. Reason being is your friendship

is too important to ruin by making you our baby's godmother.

Mm-hmm. Why do I feel like your lips are moving

- but Aly's doing the talking? - Sorry.

- Nick? - I got a good feeling about this.

Face the wall.

Ooh. This ain't over.

Leslie,

you may face the wall.

- Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, bitch! - Leslie,

you lost.

Leslie is confused.

And now the moment of truth.

Jessica Day,

will you be our baby's godmother?

Yes, I will.

Why is Leslie still dancing?

Leslie.

- Hey, now we're both godparents. - What?

Nick, for the hundredth time, you are not Ruth's godfather.

Yes, I am, for the hundred and one time... first time.

First of all, Jews and Hindus do not have godparents.

And even if we did, we would not choose you.

Ruth is not a fan.

Ruth doesn't like me?

She sees you more as a dimwitted raccoon.

Well, my mind is blown. This is a game changer.

Okay, everyone leave.

Okay, that was a waste of time.

We got a babysitter for this?

Jess, can you stay back for a moment?

Yeah. You chose wisely.

I will revolutionize being a godparent.

Your son will be my Cinderell... o.

We'll be reviewing your performance weekly.

You can be replaced.

Heavy is the head that holds the crown,

but strong are the neck muscles that hold up said head.

Ooh.

Cigarette!

- Well done. - Well done.

Uh, before I move on to the next slide, let me just say

thank you for agreeing to stay at home this week

while I get back in the saddle at work.

Now, you need to pick up Ruth at 2:00 p.m. on the dot.

The three pillars of the pickup

are gate code, sign out, and lunch,

which needs to be a peanut butter sandwich,

otherwise, she will shut down and go

- full armadillo. - Yeah, I got it.

Pick her up, drop her off.

- How hard can it be? - Well, first of all,

you got it backwards.

You drop off in the morning,

you pick up in the after... I'm sorry.

I'm a little stressed out. I know that I said

that I would go back to work when Ruth started school,

which, look, I'm-I'm excited about.

But I've been out of the game for a while,

and I've become accustomed

to a different type of lifestyle.

Daddy was gonna get into that party no matter what,

so I jumped over the hedge.

Of course. It was Prince!

You get it.

We'll be fine. What you see as a life-or-death mission,

I see as a week off with my daughter.

Wrong again. Buckle up.

These should cover your first four hours.

Okay, I'm off.

Yeah, you need to go. Okay?

Now get.

I'm excited. I shaved my entire body last night.

I feel like I could ride the wind to work.

And here comes a contraction.

Thank you for filling in for Aly.

- Of course. I'm the godmother. - And one, two,

three, primal scream.

Oh, my God! That's a big hea... Sorry.

Okay, and now let's practice

some pelvic tilts on the birthing ball.

Oh.

Excuse me. I-I realize you

didn't get me one, so I'm gonna go ahead and get my own.

Uh...

- Got the big boy. - Yeah.

Whew! You know what's crazy is you're gonna be

a father any day now.

- Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me. - Yeah, you better get ready,

'cause you're gonna get on the Dad Train soon.

Dad-dad!

"No getting off this train."

- You okay? - Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

Well, all right.

Who would like to demonstrate how to hold a baby?

Any takers? What about you?

Oh, not me. That baby's creep city.

Winnie, you're up.

Me? Oh. Yeah.

- Let's go, Dad. - Okay.

Hold it like this?

- Cradle the head. - Cradle it. Yeah.

Well, look at you.

I promise to love and protect you.

Nobody's ever gonna hurt my goochy, goochy...

- Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Okay, and...

I'm sorry. I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna fix him. I'm not ready.

- No. - Here, put that back.

Put that back inside of you. I don't want no part of that.

Look at us, the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt.

God, I forgot how much I despise you.

We're gonna need your thoughts on a new salsa account,

- so get up to speed. - Oh, I am up to speed on salsa.

Now heads up, Schmidt, things have changed here.

It's not the same office you left.

Ass Strat has been taken over

by a Tokyo-based conglomerate.

Are the toilets also Japa...

Yes.

"Cecilia, you're playing your music too loud."

What's that, babe? Yeah, you know,

I can't hear you out here with...

- Oh, my God! - What, are we having a laundry party?

- What is that?! - This?

It's just a bear I found outside the loft.

Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth.

Well, she's at school right now, and I have

15 binders worth of stuff to do that Schmidt has left for me

- before I go pick her up. - Oh, that's perfect.

I'll just pick her up. I'll pick her up from school.

I don't need your help picking up my daughter from school.

Okay?

All right, well, would you please tell her

that I left this bear for her so she knows it was from me?

- Mm-mm. - Ugh.

- What? - There's ants all over its neck.

- What? - Oh!

There's more ants. Every time it gets hit, more ants come out.

Okay. All right.

Hey, buddy.

So, two things. Um, first of all,

we're not welcome back in the class.

And, second, they're billing you for all ten classes.

Jess, what if I'm not ready to be a father?

Winston, that was a fake baby.

Real babies' heads

- don't come off like that. - Jess, I was

in that class and it made me realize

that this baby is coming.

What happens when I'm in that hospital

and I see my son's face for the first time,

coming out of Aly's butt? What am I gonna do?

What if there's something that I don't know?

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but ever since I found out Aly was pregnant,

I keep thinking about my dad.

That clown? He left you guys.

I know. It makes absolutely no sense,

but I keep thinking, what does he look like?

You know? Does he think about me?

Does he have a small group of white friends like me?

Well, have you thought about, you know, reaching out to him again?

I keep thinking, in a perfect world, I wouldn't have

to track down my dad and risk getting rejected.

He would just...

Magically show up.

Exactly.

- Sturdy. - Hey, Winston!

Looking good.

You don't have to gas me up, Jess.

I've been at this thing for three hours.

- It is all legs. - Yeah.

Look, I just wanted to tell you something,

and that is that when you're alive...

Sometimes your friends think that you're... No.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it. Your dad's outside.

Okay, that's a weird joke.

Yeah, that's not a joke.

He is, um... he's outside. At this moment.

Well, how the hell did you find him?

Well, it was a journey. Basically, I Googled his name,

and here we are.