Inside Amy Schumer

Hey! You're Amy Schumer!

"Pussy, pussy, I'm so confident!"

- I could get a picture? - Actually, would you mind?

I just... I don't wanna draw attention.

But it's really nice to meet you.

Meet you? I just want a photo.

Wow, you should really be nicer to your fans, Jeez.

Hi, can I have a small black coffee?

- Name? - Amy.

Oh, you're Fat Amy from that singing movie.

- Pitch something? - No, that's not me.

Yes, it is... I didn't see it,

but my brother didn't like it.

Okay, thank you.

Amy? Amy Schumer?

- Yeah. - Can I have a selfie?

- Oh. - Can you do something funny?

Like, can I pretend to grab your boob?

- Ow! - (mocking) Ow?

Fat Amy? Fat Amy.

- Fat Amy. - Thank you.

Oh, my gosh, uh, can you call my brother?

It is his birthday this summer.

Sure.

- Gonna call him? - I can't from my phone. I'm working.

You want me to call him from my phone?

Yeah.

It is 213-555-5555... 5.

Uh, it went right to voice mail.

Yeah, he's out of daytime minutes.

Or, ooh!

Can you make him a video and text it to him?

Mm-hmm, what's his name?

- Cashew. - Like the nut?

No.

Okay.

Hey, Cashew. Uh, it's Amy.

Here with your sister, she's working really hard.

She gave me your number, so, hi,

happy birthday this summer... okay.

That wasn't funny.

All right, well, I really have to run, thank you.

It wasn't good, can I take another one?

Yeah, here, let me do it.

- You're not cute. - What?

I'm just kidding, see, I'm funny too!

You should make me the show, everybody says

I'm just like you, a piece of shit.

Okay, thanks.

I hate to be that girl, I'm so that girl

right now, though, but, um, can, um...

- You want a picture? - No, can I have $100?

I am such a big fan.

I, like, loved you since "Chelsea Lately."

I'm not on that show.

Maybe consider being nicer to people who like you.

Do you have smaller bills?

- No. - Must be nice.

Hi, are you Amy Schumer?

- I love your legs. - Thank you.

- Can I eat one? - What?

What, do you think you're better than everyone else now?

- Is that it? - No.

- Let me eat your leg. - It wasn't good.

- I lost it! - (Amy) The money?

Yeah, that's why I wanted smaller bills.

Amy Poehler let me chew on her hair.

- She's great. - My brother is awake now.

Can you go to his house and have sex with him?

Ow!

Can I be annoying and ask you for one thing?

Help.

I've been on the road with you for seven years.

- Yes. - Have I changed?

I would say the only change is, uh...

the quality of life has gone way up.

We used to go to IHOP and shit.

Well, I'd still like to go to IHOP and shit.

- Which is what happens. - Good point.

Like, is there any difference you've seen in me?

No, you were... you were scary back then.

- (laughing) - No, no, uh...

- No, no, but that's true, I was. - Yeah.

We were doing, like, the shittiest clubs...

- Right. - Staying in comedy condos.

And I was still, like, "I'm not doing that."

- Yes, yes. - I've always been

- exactly how I am right now. - Right.

From 40,000 feet above the earth

aboard a luxury airship that never touches the ground

for tax reasons, it's "Down To Earth,"

with your host, a regular normal person,

just like you, Amy Schumer!

Oh!

We've got a great show for you tonight!

But first, let's say "Hi" to the Down to E Band,

Selena and the Schume-tones!

Look, at you, Miss Rosetta Stone.

Look how good your English has gotten, I love!

I was born in Texas.

So... now it's time for our first segment,

I'm Just Like Us!

That's right, guys,

I get coffee and bagel, just like me.

And that's my new miniature dinosaur, Pom Pom,

wearing Narciso Rodriguez.

There are a lot of misconceptions about min-dins,

but believe you me, they are the sweetest,

most loving pet that you can pay

to have genetically re-engineered.

Pom Pom is a rescue from extinction and Steven Spielby.

Okay, and then here's me with Perez... Hilton.

So, look, I get a cup of joe, no fancy drink for me.

I just say, coffee.

But, uh, uh, you know what?

I have hard days just like everyone else.

And here's what happened, so the barista...

she got mad when Pom Pom had to make shit.

So, I left, and let's just say I won't be going back.

Today's topic is using a hidden camera

to spy on your maid who steals.

Let's go to the Relato-Cam and see what mine is stealing.

There she goes again!

Stop stealing!

Do I have a maid? Yes.

Do I know her name? No.

But I'm just like you.

I still wash my own legs.

I still do my own masturbating.

Thank you.

Seleña, am I saying that right?

Masturbating or my name?

Mmm, wow.

I didn't even know I was up for that award.

Here's a life hack for you.

After I make a call or take a vaggie,

I like to shred my phone so it doesn't get hacked

by Internet robots who are super jelly, like so.

Voilà!

Then have your personal assistant bring you a new phone.

Easy Peasy, beautiful. Assistant!

No, she does not need walk-on music.

Ooh, thank you, I love your blouse.

Alligators.

What is your name?

- I'm your sister, Kim? - Ooh, "Sister Kim."

A nun, high-end.

Now we're gonna meet our first guest.

Not a celebrity, he's just a regular,

normal poor person like Seleña.

- My pilot, Jermone. - Jero... Jerome.

Jerome.

Careful, Jermone.

Here, have a seat.

You can take a knee right there.

- Fun, welcome to the show. - No problem, I was already here.

Just, uh... steering the zeppelin.

I can relate, interesting.

I'm just like you.

You're the boss lady, Miss Schumer.

Miss Schumer is my mother's pussy's name.

You can just call me America's Golden Eagle.

- Well, America's... Golden Eagle. - Ew.

- I just mainly fly the zeppelin. - Mmm.

Refuel the zeppelin.

Do zeppelin repairs, stuff like that.

Actually, I should probably get back to the controls.

Nonsense, you're my guest, it's an honor.

For more information, check out my lifestyle website.

- (loud whooshing) - Oh, my God, what's going on?

Nobody's flying the zeppelin, you idiot!

You have to go down with the ship because

you're in the band, and it's Titanic!

Or we could just pull up the controls.

I mean, we're 40,000 feet up in the air.

No time!

- We need to cut weight! - I can fix it!

- Shut up! - (Jerome screams)

You need to be my human parachute.

They have real parachutes.

- It's fine. - Shut up, Seleña!

Remember, I'm just like you!

Well, I'm gonna go fix this.

This week on "Katfish."

All right, let's dial this Amy girl up.

Let's see what's going on.

Hi, guys.

- Hey! - Hey!

Oh, my God, it's you guys.

The one with the gray hair and the one with not.

- Yup. - What's going on, Amy?

Yeah, what's the dealio?