Family Guy

Episode 8 - The Birthday Bootlegger

Where's Dad?

It's office birthdays today at the brewery.

Ever since your father was put in charge,

he's been taking it very seriously.

Okay, Brian, what do you got for me?

Okay, birthday jokes.

"We may be colleagues, but there's no one in your league."

Boy, that's a brick off the backboard.

Chris, what do you got?

"I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation,

"and when we got off the highway, the sign said,

'Disneyland, Left,' so we drove back home."

Chris, that's going in the show.

See that, Brian?

Don't be afraid to pull the heartstrings.

Peter, don't you think you might be putting too much time

into office birthdays and not enough into your job?

Come on, Lois. It's the one thing I look forward to at work.

It's the one thing I'm good at.

I am to birthdays what J.K. Rowling is

to now-problematic wizard stories.

Perhaps Slytherin

or maybe Hufflepuff

or trans women aren't really women.

Wait, what?

I mean, uh, the first two things.

Okay, who's the next girl or boy?

There's only those two.

Who's ready for June birthdays?

(lively orchestral music playing)

Ladies and gentlemen, Leslie Uggams.

-(song ends) -(applause)

Wait, isn't it November?

Who cares? They are marvelous.

So I drove my family down to Disneyland for vacation.

When we got off the highway, the sign said,

"Disneyland, Left," so we drove back home.

Thanks. I wrote that.

Oh, I'll show him.

I own the school paper.

Get me dirt on Principal Shepherd's car.

I also own the school car wash.

Myeah. Myeah.

Children, please continue independent play

while I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out.

Let's see. Any good reads here?

Hmm, what's this?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

My word, this is brilliant.

Now to find my mark.

Hey, Stewie. What you reading?

Something with different cloths to feel?

No, not since, uh... not since COVID.

I say, Doug, it appears you've got something on your shirt.

Is that so?

Ha-ha! There's nothing on your shirt!

It was all a ruse.

Doug, are you okay?

Oh, my God, what happened?

-Who did this to you? -Stewie.

Stewart Griffin-Suarez, is that true?

No!

And thank you for that.

Rupert and I decided to hyphenate.

I hope it doesn't make me look like too much of a pushover.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Screw it.

Yes, I hit him.

And it was glorious.

This is your third strike, Stewie.

That means no more time-outs.

You get a detention.

Detention?

You can't scare me.

The only thing that scares me is a sudden loud noise,

even if it's only spoken.

We now return to Val Kilmer

and Robert Downey Jr.

-in Kiss Kiss... -Ooh!

-...Bang Bang! -(screams)

So, how did the birthday thing go?

Amazing, Lois.

I've even been asked to do a TED Talk.

What is a birthday?

I think it can best be understood by breaking down

the word "birth" and "day."

Where the hell is everyone?

Ah, okay. Now it makes sense.

Bye-bye, Stewie.

Yeah, buh-bye, whatever.

Stewie, where are you headed?

You've got detention this morning.

That's where I'm headed.

Stewie, no, detention isn't in preschool.

It's in the elementary school building.

The elementary school?

But that's where the big kids are.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I ruins y'all's reveal?

Let me go ahead and scooch back a little.

Beep, beep, beep.

Oh, no! Look at that big scary school!

My God, these kids have their teeth.

And where are their pacifiers? How do they ever sleep?

Detention kids are scary.

Especially that fourth grader writing on the board.

Ah, that is such a load of

: truth, a wonderful load of truth.

All right, birthdays.

: Whoop, whoop!

What the hell is this?

It's happy birthday

: to you.

I didn't approve this.

Oh, yeah? Well, who the hell are

: you-you?

I'm Preston Lloyd,

the new manager of the brewery and your boss.

: Is that true-true?

Yes. And I've been charged with improving brewery productivity.

And it has become clear to me that the best way to start is

by canceling office birthdays, effective immediately.

I don't know how to stop on roller skates,

so hang on until I run out of momentum.

What?!

But, Mr. Lloyd, you can't cancel office birthdays.

I'm pretty sure I can.

Mr. Griffin, I like focused, productive employees.

But this is a brewery. Beer is supposed to be fun.

I've been sober for 46 years.

-How old are you? -46.

A brewery is not about getting drunk.

It's a business.

I need disciplined, productive employees.

Can you be that, Mr. Griffin?

Oh, heavens, no.

Then we're going to have a problem.

But, Mr. Lloyd, you can't take away office birthdays.

People love 'em.

If it means that much to the employees, fine.

Yay!

-I'll do them. -Aw.

-(feedback squeals) -Attention, employees.

This is Mr. Lloyd, your manager.

I will now resume

the office birthday celebration from earlier.

Helen Daily, date of birth 12/10/1968.

Martin Burke, date of birth 12/13/1969.

J.H. Christ, 12/25/0000.

You now have two minutes to consume cake.

Hey, do you know where I can get a pacifier in this place?

I'm jonesing.

Anyone hears you say that in here,

you'll get your ass kicked.

You're the "something on your shirt" kid, right?

How did you know?

Well, I make it my business to know.

You got purdy lips.

Why, thank you. It's a new serum.

Move over, lip balms. The secret is retinol.

Let's talk later.

I can't believe the new jerk manager

canceled office birthdays.

It was the one thing in life I looked forward to.

Is this manager a no-nonsense, button-down man

who's also been in the military?

-How'd you know? -Mm-hmm.

-Well, what do I do? -Take it from a lawman,

whenever authorities have tried to take away something

the people find precious,

the people have found ways around the law.

They always find a way, like nature.

-(birds chirping) -Look at that.

Tree bent to keep growing toward the sun.

Anyway, I'm Joe, and I don't do a lot of these.