Raising Hope

Narrator: All the Nates down in Natesville

liked Christmas a lot,

From its oldest old person

to its tiniest tot.

'Twas a time for good neighbors to sip spiked radish punch,

to hang lights at high heights, and drink eggnog for lunch.

They ate kazoo cookies till their stomachs grew sore,

then forgot why they stopped and ate a few more.

Yes, everyone's hearts brimmed over with holiday cheer.

Except for one, inside the man

Who sits alone way up here.

Stupid Christmas.

Narrator: You might be asking yourself,

"What's with the sad surly man and his Santa-like dog?

Who sapped Burt's spirits?

Who de-yuled his log?

And why is he up there?

His family's way down below!"

It all began on Thanksgiving, about four weeks ago.

(Marching band plays tune, crowd chatter)

Sabrina: Virginia, over here.

It's my fault we're late. I couldn't find my turkey-ass sweatshirt.

Without the ass, mine's just a tacky sweatshirt.

Ooh, ooh, the mayor's float.

Hopefully, she sobered up this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, that looks so fun.

I wish I had that job.

- Mayor? - No, mayor's husband.

He gets to execute the turkey every year.

Ooh, here we go.

Oh, she gets me all tingly.

Why are the drunk ones always married?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Is that you, Virginia?

Narrator: And right there and then, in the crowd's full view,

the mayor fell off the wagon in not one way...

...but two.

Whoa! Drunk mayor down.

Mayor Hellman!

Are you okay?

Looks like the mayor's going back to rehab.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I wonder who we'll elect to be interim mayor this time.

If I were mayor,

I'd turn the town seal into a shark,

so it could eat the other towns' seals.

If I were mayor, I would forget I was the mayor.

If I were mayor, I'd get rid of the mandatory retirement age.

I think old people are more capable than we realize.

If I were mayor, I'd probably forget I was the mayor.

I think I'd want to be mayor so Virginia could be First Lady.

Then she could light the tree at the town's Christmas Celebration.

That would be the best gift ever.

I usually just give her batteries 'cause I know she'll use them.

Well, everyone needs batteries.

My two moms go through them like crazy.

She likes batteries, but it would be great to wow her.

She'd flip out if she could light the Natesville Christmas tree.

You know, Burt, you being mayor isn't the craziest idea.

I mean, why not Burt Chance?

Narrator: Why not Burt Chance?

He made so many friends.

Hi, neighbor.

We're taking advantage of our stop sign

to add a little friendliness to our community and say hi to folks.

Narrator: He helped plants shed

their excessive split ends.

What are you doing so far from home?

And you're a mess.

Nah. I'll have you pruned up in no time.

Narrator: He kept even the smallest of creatures in mind.

I got him!

Today, you live!

No!

Narrator: Once helped out a pig who was helping the blind.

Good job, pig.

Yeah. Why not?

Narrator: So Burt and Virginia, with their usual pluck,

went out to campaign after pimping Burt's truck.

Burt for mayor!

Why not Burt?

You got anybody better? We didn't think so.

Narrator: He spoke to vets.

Veterans are our greatest heroes.

Narrator: And people with nets.

Butterfly collectors are our greatest heroes.

Narrator: He even spoke to some people who dressed up like pets.

I don't understand what's going on here, but...

You seem like our greatest heroes.

Narrator: And when they were done with their whistle-stop rants,

all anyone could say was...

All: Why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance? Why not...?

Narrator: While Virginia and Burt campaigned very hard,

Jimmy and Sabrina posed for this year's Christmas card.

Come on, Hope. It's Santa.

You love Santa.

Narrator: Hope's very first Christmas,

her mom's reputation gave Hope a bad rap

with the church congregation.

We just can't overlook the fact that she's a murderer's baby.

Narrator: Try as they might to get Hope some salvation,

her ill-equipped family caused more irritation.

Looks like we're not gonna be on the news.

And Hope's gonna still be known as the murderer's baby.

Narrator: One year Jimmy got wasted, and being a dope,

he wished for a world where he never had Hope.

I wish I had never picked up Lucy in my van.

Narrator: That silly wish caused all kinds of strife,

and we sort of ripped off It's a Wonderful Life.

Merry Christmas, dancin' dan!

It's Christmas?

Narrator: Christmas 2012 gave Hope a good fright

with Virginia so sure the Mayan Doomsday was right.

Sabrina, you shouldn't have!

Narrator: All in the family seemed ripe for a fight.

'Twas a horrible, deplorable, spit-orable night.

Ah, come on, Hope.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Santa's our friend.

Here, watch.

I'll take my picture with him.

Okay, James, go on, flip the switch.

Ho, ho, ho.

- (Choking): Help. - Merry Christmas!

Help!

- (Choking): Help. - Ho, ho, ho.

: Merry Chris...

Merry...

See?

Santa: Ho, ho...

Welcome to interim mayor election results.

- Shh! It's on! - Ooh.

In a few minutes,

this channel switches over to our nightly lotto results.

If I seem rushed, I apologize.

In third place, with one vote: Ralph Nader.

Every year I try.

In second place, Burt Chance.

- Oh. - Well, you gave it your best, dad.

And first place is: More fresh veggies.

But I'm thinking that's because Howdy's collected

These ballots in their old suggestion box.

So I guess Burt Chance is mayor.

Congratulations, Mr. Ch...

Tonight's winning lottery numbers are...

Burt, you did it.

You won!

Natesville chose me.

You're mayor.

You're First Lady.

I'm First Lady!

Narrator: Would Burt be the greatest mayor that his town's ever had?

You'll only find out after watching this ad.

Narrator: You just saw some commercials

for home, health and hair, but while you were gone,

Burt was sworn in as mayor.

Burt, this is amazing.

You are the interim mayor of Natesville.

Power, influence.

Plus, I think we get all new cabinets.

Those things are good, but the best part is,

This year, for Christmas, I get to give you the gift

of lighting the tree at the Christmas Festival.

Oh, it's been my dream

since I was a little girl to light that tree.

And I deem it so.

Oh, could Hope stand in the front row

of the Christmas choir so I could get a good picture?

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Isn't that so great, Hope?

Isn't that great?

How about you, Jimmy?

What's your Christmas wish?

I sort of wish you'd resign as mayor.

And, like every other Christmas wish

You've had since you were five, that's not gonna happen.

Well, you know, it's just, in the past,

all the other interim mayors let the job go to their heads

and became power-hungry dictators.

As interim mayor, let me start by saying thank you.

And let me end by saying, I just sold the church bells

To a delicious national taco chain.

I am closing main street

to vehicular traffic effective immediately.

Woman: Why did you do that?!

No further questions!

I'm ending school lunch programs.

- What? - You suck!

Students' meals must now be homemade

with groceries bought from local stores.

On a purely coincidental note,