Family Ties

As you all know, Lauren is doing a paper on the American family.

And as you also may know,

she's chosen us to be her case study.

So, I want you all to answer the questions

to the best of your ability, all right?

Um, Mom and Dad, uh, feel free

to refer to any old photo albums.

Mallory may need the aid of a thesaurus.

Or, if Nick comes by, he may wish

to express himself through cave paintings.

Any questions?

Yeah. Who said you can do all the talking?

All right, all right. Sorry.

All right, go ahead, honey.

Okay, are there any questions

before I get started with my questions?

Ooh! Ooh! Yeah.

Uh, Miss Miller, uh, you've picked us

- as the typical American family. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, does this mean you-you... you find me to be typical?

Because, uh... because I've always

kind of prided myself on not being typical.

You know, not normal.

You've succeeded at that.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Keaton, I'll start with you,

because, after all, if it wasn't for the two of you,

this family wouldn't even be here.

What does she mean by that?

Because they're the mommy and daddy.

How did they get to be the mommy and daddy?

They won a raffle.

Okay, when you first met,

uh, did it ever occur to you

that your life would turn out this way?

I mean, was having a family always the main goal?

Well, uh, when I met Elyse, it was truly magical.

The first time I laid eyes on her,

I knew we'd be together forever.

I swear, at that moment, time and space did not exist.

Just us.

Is it any wonder I find him so attractive?

How come you didn't inherit any of your father's romantic side?

Hey, come... Me? You're kidding.

I'm-I'm-I'm on the FBI's ten most romantic list.

Violins play wherever I go.

Try leaving the room.

See if the music starts up.

Okay, so then, after the two of you met and you fell in love,

did, uh, things go as you hoped they would?

Would you say that your life is the fulfillment

of a dream that the two of you set out for yourselves?

But there were a lot of surprises along the way.

Can you give me an example?

Well, when I found out that I was pregnant with Andy,

that was a surprise.

A delightful surprise.

Hey, you okay?

Hmm? Oh, sure. I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep, I was so excited.

How are you two feeling?

Fine.

Fine. How are you?

I had a little trouble sleeping.

I, uh... I can't stop thinking.

About what?

I mean, about what specifically?

Elyse, I'm 40 years old.

I'm, uh, about to become a father again.

Last time I changed a diaper, Richard Nixon was president.

I thought I'd seen the last of both of them.

- You know what I keep realizing? - What?

We're going to have to start watching Sesame Street again,

Romper Room, Mr. Rogers.

I like Mr. Rogers.

Have to start going to the zoo.

Pony rides, birthday parties.

Sterilizing baby bottles.

Tripping over toys.

Before you know it, the terrible twos will be upon us.

Remember when Alex used to run around the house all the time

going, "Mine! Mine!"?

He never really outgrew that, did he?

Seems like such a long time ago.

You know, I've been doing some calculations.

Hmm?

When the baby's ten, I'll be 50.

- When the baby's 20, I'll be 60. - Mmm.

When the baby's 30, I'll be 70.

70's a little old to have a baby, isn't it?

It won't be a baby when it's 30.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

When the baby's 40, Jennifer will be 51.

Steven, cut it out!

I'm sorry. I'm just not used to the idea.

Neither am I.

It's a nice idea to get used to, isn't it?

I wish the kids were more excited.

Oh, they'll come around.

Who could not love a beautiful newborn baby?

Besides, it gives us someone else to pick on.

You know, uh, there's one other thing

about this we haven't mentioned.

It's going to be real expensive, huh?

I find this absolutely the sexiest thing in the world.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Come on. Cut it out.

Don't you know that's how you got

into trouble in the first place?

Alex, what are you doing up?

How am I supposed to sleep, Mom?

I'm about to become a brother for the third time.

It's not going to happen tonight, Alex.

It's not, is it, Elyse?

I can almost guarantee it.

What's in the package?

Oh, uh, it's, uh, something I picked up for the little guy.

Oh, it's so cute!

Yeah. Uh, pull the string.

I love Alex.

Oh!

Isn't that sweet?

I love it!

Yeah. You know, I think

I need to get one of these for myself.

This little toy reminds me of when you were a baby.

Alex, do you remember that song

we used to sing to you when you were little?

It was your favorite one, and it always made you smile.

No.

Don't you remember?

It was, um...

Mom, get a hold of yourself.

This is going to be a long nine months.

We thought about having a little brother or sister.

We decided that it could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, the family needs a little shaking up anyway.

Thank you, honey. This is beautiful.

Look at it!

Well, it's getting pretty late.

I think we'd better call it a night, huh?

- Oh, yeah. - Come on.

It did seem like a long nine months,

but when Andy was born,

it was an incredible thrill for us all.

Especially Alex, it seemed.

Oh, you know, Steven, he has your eyes.

Maybe those are my eyes, but that is your nose.

I'd know it anywhere.

You're great, Elyse.

Oh, thank you, love. Oh, so are you.

Can we come in?

We heard a baby.

Yeah, we thought it might be yours.

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy.

Thank you!

Oh! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you! Ah!

Ah, yes, that was a magical moment.

Yeah, it was fun for me, too.

What was it like to all of a sudden have

a brand-new baby in the house?

How were your daily patterns affected?

Well, all of a sudden,

there were diapers to change, formula to make.

Oh, and rattles, first words

and the constant squeak from that Jolly Jumper

till I thought it was going to break off its hinges.

Babies have tons of energy.

No, that was Alex.

Yeah, I was... I was just checking out

the shocks on the thing, you know.

Making sure it was safe.

What was the thing that changed most for the rest of the family?

Was-was there anything that you felt missing in your life?

Sleep.

What are you doing?

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Steven, that will be the fifth time

you've picked him up since midnight.

Elyse, he's crying.

Honey, we've been through this before.

If you pick Andrew up every time he cries,

he's never going to stop crying.

Does that mean, when he's 30, he'll still cry in his crib?

Not if we bring him up right.

Elyse, how can you be so cruel?

He's only been alone for four minutes.

Four minutes is a big chunk of his life, Elyse.

We are not going to spoil this baby, Steven.

Come on. Let's go back to bed.

Boy, has this kid got lungs.

Oh, my heaven.

Elyse.

Where are you going?

I was going to straighten this picture.

Elyse!

Oh, he's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't want to spoil him.