The Matchmaker's Playbook

The tea? Cinnamon.

The girl? Late.

Twenty three minutes late.

Two more minutes and I'm leaving.

They were always nervous.

Which was expected.

I knew what I looked like.

Chiseled? Check.

Caramel-blond hair that somehow manages

to look wavy and thick all the damn time?

Check.

Sexy crooked smile?

Check.

And don't even get me started on penis size.

It just gets better the farther south you go.

Trust me.

Stand.

Or sit. But I doubt that's the way to get on the good side of

that barista you've been trying not to check out

since you walked in that door.

SHELL I haven't...

Jealousy is a crucial emotion men feel before falling in love.

I won't bite.

- Yet. -

Take it.

I hate tea.

No. You love tea.

- Smile. - What?

Hey... you, uh... guys need anything?

I'll send my girlfriend over

if we need something, how's that?

Thanks though.

Stop fidgeting and sit up straight.

Sorry. It's just that he's only talked to me twice, and

only ever to ask if I wanted sugar in my coffee.

He hates coffee.

Touch me.

Lower.

Stop staring, or we're done.

Now laugh.

That'll do too.

Shell, if you need anything, let me know. Okay?

I think I'm good with my tea.

You hate tea.

No. She loves tea.

Asshole.

He knows my name.

Who are you?

Ian Hunter. Master wingman

and your only chance in hell of getting...

that.

Here you go. Appreciate it.

When do we start?

Three minutes ago.

How was she?

Because if she's not a good fit, I have another girl

that offered to pay me in sexual favors

to move her to the top.

No, cross her off. If she knows how to give favors,

she knows how to get her own damn man.

Noted.

And Gabi says if you don't make it tonight for dinner

she's going to glue your hand to your penis.

Though she was much more graphic.

Always is. I'm on my way.

See you there.

I didn't pick this life. It's not like I woke up one morning

and went, "Whoa, wouldn't it be so badass

to help women get the guy.

I'm a coach. And coaches have their playbooks,

it's not enough to know how to play the game,

you have to know how to read the plays,

know your opponent.

That's what Wingmen, Inc. Is about.

Who better to teach women how not to get played

- than the actual player? -

To what do I owe this pleasure?

I'm not your client, Ian.

Cut with the smooth-talking love coach voice.

You promised!

I did.

You forgot, didn't you?

Of course not. Come on.

Sometimes I wonder why we're friends.

Because you like watching me while I sleep?

One time, Ian!

The welcome party for my two new roommates?

You were supposed to bring the chips and dip?

I'm sorry, Gabs. I'll be there in fifteen minutes.

You better.

Wow. Your top looks gorgeous with your skin tone.

Sometimes it was just too easy.

You said fifteen minutes.

Did I say fifteen? Could have sworn I said twenty.

You smell like cheap perfume.

Seriously, you smell bad, dude.

Go. Shower. I'll put out the food.

Your extra clothes are still in my room.

Just... Get rid of the skank.

She has a name, you know.

Although, I really couldn't read her nametag

with her lips wrapped around me,

she was blocking the view.

One day you're going to get smited.

Or is it smote?

That sounds dirty. Can't wait to try that.

Lex.

Kinda had you pegged for a boyshorts girl.

What are you doing in my room?

You mean Gabi's room.

I mean my room.

And you are?

Look, I've got about three minutes

before Gabi hands me my ass.

Did you want to go on the bed

or the floor, since you're already there?

What are you talking about?

Down to about two minutes.

I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be a little difficult,

but I could probably conjure something up that would cause

a little panting. Maybe a scream or two.

A scream?

Are you a stripper for the party?

No.

Come on. About ten seconds left,

and I don't even think I can perform miracles of this...

- caliber. - Get out of my room.

You mean Gabi's room.

We switched.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Okay, so... That would make Gabi's room...?

Yeah.

Gotcha.

Your loss. Could have rocked your world.

My world doesn't need rocking.

Every girl needs to allow her world to be rocked,

at least once.

Or, if said rocking is coming from moi?

Sometimes twice.

It's a little more complicated than that.

It's not just ones and zeroes.

That's amazing.

It's been ten minutes, tell me you didn't...

Didn't? What?

- What was that for? - Where's Blake?

- Is she on the basketball team? - No. Where is she?

- Soccer? Tennis? - No. Ian...

if you touched her, I swear I'll rip your golden locks

from your brain one by one.

- Golf? - Volleyball, actually.

That explains the clothes.

What's wrong with my clothes?

He belong to you?

Unfortunately.

You know how your parents always tell you not to feed strays?

He was so cute at first, like all puppies.

Then he started biting all my friends.

Love you too, Boo.

Are we going to do this or what? I have a test in the morning.

Not yet! It's a welcome party

for my new roommates Serena and Blake.

We have to socialize first.

Come on, Gabs. We met the roomates,

Ian brought food, and you're still single.

I mean, all is right with the world.

Calm down. Come here, sit.

Let's just watch the show, and then we'll have dessert.

Should have never fed him that first treat.

Haunts me day and night, Blake,

day and night.

What's up, my man?

What's the news?

- Serena. - Okay.

Wildcat in bed. Forgot my name twice.

Asked if I believed in unicorns.

Has attended Comic Con three times.

When I asked for her number...

she cried.

Cried?

Damn.

Must have been on your "A" game last night.

I'm never off my game.

So that one time you hit on Gabi was a fluke?

I was drunk.

Can we not talk about Gabi this early in the morning?

It really messes with the rest of my day.

Hi Ian.

Your schedule is full,

but a new one popped up on the site this morning,

I wasn't sure if you wanted me to let her apply.

Do it.

I gotta go.

Shell has an early class with Douchepants

and I gotta walk her to class holding her books,

then... kiss her on the forehead.

Tale as old as time, my friend.

You know it.

Stop here.

Did he notice?

Oh, he noticed.