Heroines (Héroïnes)

With a mum like mine, sex ed is kind of redundant.

She's always been "testicles" this, "vaginas" that.

It's probably on purpose.

Making us associate sex with her voice is a great contraceptive.

Ben?

Did you hear about Rory?

Rory Rory?

He's having a party Friday night.

We are so going!

Wait. Are we invited?

We heard about it. Same thing.

Melissa, the whole senior drama troupe will be there.

And understudies. This is big!

And - it gets bigger.

Not possible. It's fancy dress.

Miss Hills, Mr Law, tone it down.

Excitement in this class is not appropriate.

There are policies around that.

It's still good, I think.

Ooh, these expired two months ago.

Probably need your stomach pumped.

Ai, 'best before' - just suggestion!

Yeah, you tell your customer that after they shit themselves to death.

Guys, guys, guys! Melissa and I got invited to a party!

Oh! All the drama kids are going.

It's the social event of the year.

Wait. Is this Rory's thing? Yeah.

Who Rory? He's in my bio class. Drama captain.

Your class? This is a year 12 party?

You're not in year 12.

Age is a mindset, Mum, especially in...

Not going. End of story.

Dad? Well, I...

I know what the Aussie kids get up to.

They drink-drink, talk the bullshit, do the fingering.

How is that fun?

Mum... You're just a baby.

I'm 15! Exactly.

You don't even have your hairs yet.

Mum! (WHISPERS) That was a private conversation!

It's just a party.

Yes. With big kids doing big... things.

You not ready.

Yes, I am! Trust me!

I do trust you.

I don't trust them.

Well, when did you use it last?

Have you checked your pockets? Why would it be there?

Because that's where you always keep it!

Ow! Mum! Hey, girls! No violence!

Use your words!

I will cut you! Oh, my God!

Actually, don't use your words either!

Oh!

Struggling?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

No, you're not.

What are you up to Friday night?

The usual. Cook, clean, laundry, iron, hang myself.

Come on, don't be a martyr.

When was the last time you had a girls' night out?

You can't rem... W...

1994. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

Five kids need their mummy.

You know what?

Those kids aren't babies anymore.

Live a little.

I dare you.

Ai, ah-Leung. You have to take the kids Friday night.

I'm having a girls' night out. Friday? Can't.

Why? You don't go out. And you don't have friends.

What? You don't!

Uh, Ming-Zhu said she'll have dinner with me.

Oh, you're talking now? That's great.

Yeah. Finally took my call.

Just had to ring 20 times and she pick up.

Women. They like persistence.

Yes. We love to be worn down until we can't say no.

Allow me. Thought you might be hungry.

You made this? Yep.

Folded the washing. Unblocked the shower drain.

Some people are definitely compensating in the pubes department.

And got the girls to do homework.

You got them to do homework?

They listen to me. Guess they see me as mature.

The answer is still no.

Mmm.

Mum, come on.

Ah-lieu-ah. Tomorrow night you babysit the kids, OK?

We're not kids.

Since when do YOU go out? Diane's taking me.

We're going to be ladies of the night.

How did you change your mum's mind?

I didn't.

I'm sneaking out. Ben!

You're, like, THE biggest goody-two-shoes I know.

Gee, thanks for the character assassination, Melissa.

No, it's just... I've never seen this side to you before.

You're so bad!

Especially for an Asian.

Slightly racist.

Children, now we've covered anatomy,

we can move on to explore what to do - or NOT to do -

with those body parts.

Today, we're going to discuss risky behaviour, peer pressure

and why sleep doesn't constitute consent.

What are the dangers?

How do we avoid them?

What better way to learn...

..than with role play?!

Go on, mate. Have another.

Can't hurt ya.

Oh, don't tell me you're already onto the water, ya girl!

Nah, I-I think I've had enough. Put the pressure on.

Mate, come on! Ya gotta be fuggin' kiddin' me!

Language.

Sorry. Yield.

Well, I... I guess one more couldn't hurt.

And freeze!

What do we think will happen next?

He has another beer and they both go home safely?

He is punched in the face and dies!

Ask yourself.

Are you really ready for this?

All misfortunes start with poor decisions.

Spiked drinks. Methamphetamines in a bowl of Twisties.

Something may seem like harmless fun, then BAM!

You're admitted to ICU with a spinal cord injury.

New scenario.

It's just adults trying to scare us, right?

Yeah. No, definitely.

Plus, it's a drama party. We're artists, not animals.

Totally. It'll be all about the costumes.

Oh, what are we even doing for costumes?

I'll sort those out, since you're on the down low.

What about booze?

What about it? Well, we need some.

Didn't you listen to Mr Mallory?

Ben, it's a year 12 party. We are not turning up empty-handed.

What are we gonna do? Sit around eating fairy bread?

Hey, little buddy.

Oh. Wayne. Hi.

Oop! (CHUCKLES) Whatcha got there?

Oh.

It's, um...

..traditional Chinese medicine.

Ah. It's for a personal issue.

Looks nasty.

Though, Chinese medicine did help with a fungal infection I had once.

You should have seen the chafing.

Oh, yeah, another story for another time.

OK.

So, think it'll be a late night?

I don't know. Mummy's had a long week.

Well, yeah. I'll probably be in bed by the time you come back.

Hey. About your party.

Yeah?

One day, you'll be big enough. Just not yet.

Your body's still growing. You understand, right?

Yeah, totally. Hey, time's a-tickin'!

Mum! Don't dob!

One of you is always bleeding at the worst time! What happened now?

Tammy-Jer... tennis racquet.

What are you doing? Diane can wait. Mich needs me.

No, no, no, no. You go. I can deal with this.

Tam, get some ice. Mum, seriously, I've got this.

I've got my Cert I in First Aid, remember?

OK.

Oh, my baby boy! Always so good!

Ben! (MOANS) Oww!

Don't worry. I'm not by myself. My friend is coming.

Don't want people thinking I'm an Asian prostitute! (LAUGHS)

Ooh! Eww! Foul!

Ben, gross. Cough into your elbow.

Sorry. I've had a weird throat all day.

Do you have taam?

Mmm, yep. Phlegm's been nonstop.

My tummy feels weird.

And...

..my skeleton's hurting.

Anyway, might head to bed before it gets worse.

Have an early night.

They totally bought it! Meet you at the corner.

OK. I'll have your costume waiting.

Melissa, I'm not changing behind a bush!

Just be there, Ben. (HANGS UP)

Ah! Arggh!

Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry!

The oldest was having boy problems

and the youngest was just... having problems.

You waiting long? No, it's fine.

You haven't got a drink yet. Well, I wanted to wait for you.

Ah. First round is on me. You stay there.