Inside No. 9

V.T.R.No 7226 THE DEVIL OF CHRISTMAS Part one, take one.

In five, four, three...

WIND WHISTLES

FOREBODING MUSIC PLAYS

Please come, it's warm inside.

I have already made a fire for you.

Oh! That's better.

Toby, be a dear and shut the door,

otherwise we'll all catch our deaths.

What a gloomy thought, catch our deaths.

Yes, Mummy, we're here for a two-week holiday, let's keep things jolly, eh?

I shouldn't worry about it, it's only a saying.

Though it is rather dim in here.

Here, let me.

Oh! It looks bigger than it did in the brochure.

Well, better that than the other way round.

Do you remember that awful hotel we stayed in in Greece?

It wasn't so bad, I rather liked it,

though as I recall the local tipple was fairly wretched.

THEY GIGGLE

Do you remember it, Cathy?

No, I wasn't married to Julian then,

it must have been when Elizabeth was still alive.

How are you feeling, darling?

That pilot gave us one hell of a bumpy landing.

Fine. I'm fine.

Well, no skiing for you, not in your condition.

We'll have the slopes all to ourselves, won't we, Toby?

I'm not sure I want to ski.

Boring.

Toby, your father went to a lot of trouble to book this holiday,

you really ought not to be so ungrateful.

You spoil him, Cathy.

All these treats and indulgences.

You're getting him used to having his own way.

- There, I've said it. - Please, Mummy, let's not argue,

we've only just arrived.

Here, some refreshment for you.

This is gluhwein, traditional Austrian drink.

Oh, good, I'm parched.

Lovely. Danke schoen.

Sorry, no wine for you, darling.

It's fine, I'm not thirsty, anyway.

We need rest and plenty of it. Doctor's orders, remember?

I will, I'll have plenty of rest and do nothing at all.

- Well, there's a surprise. - It's perfect.

- Absolutely perfect. - You're not too angry I invited Mummy?

It's your money, darling, I can't tell you how to spend it.

Eurgh!

Toby? What is it?

Horrible picture.

Good grief, the Devil of Christmas.

What's all this about, then, Claus?

Krampus. This is a local legend.

'Oh, I just want to point out a continuity error,

can we whizz it back?

'OK. It's just occurred to me now, seeing the Krampus picture,

'but if you look by the front door as they all troop in,

'there it is again, see?

'Oh, yeah. Sorry, could you just introduce yourself so people know who you are?'

'Oh, yes, I'm Dennis Fulcher, and I was the director of this piece.

'Now, see, what happened was we started filming when we noticed

'up in the gallery that the painting

'had been set in the wrong place by the bloody art department.

'Luckily, it was a long scene so I sent a stagehand down to move it.

'See? There it is.

'And, as Celia crosses over, it's gone.

- 'Oh, yeah, I never noticed. - 'No, people don't.

'Meanwhile, the stagehand is creeping round

'to rehang it above the fireplace.

'You can see here that the little boy was a bit distracted.

'Look at the way he's looking.

'But, otherwise, I think we got away with it.

'And this was all filmed in one day?

'Yes, one day. Three cameras.

'Unless someone bumps into the furniture you would just carry on.

'They film Doctors in much the same way even now.'

..must have been when Elizabeth was still alive.

How are you feeling, darling?

'The whole pregnancy thing was my idea.

'I thought it would tee up the ending.

'If you sense there was something

INSIDE Cathy making it more poignant 'in a way.'

I'm not sure I want to ski. Boring.

Toby, your father went to a lot of trouble to book this holiday.

You really ought not to be so ungrateful.

'Nancy there, looking for her mark,

- her eyes were going by this stage. - 'Bless her.

- Nancy? - Nancy Mason, dead now, of course.'

Let's not argue. We've only just arrived.

Here, some refreshment for you.

'Oh, look at that, three glasses of watered-down Ribena.

'Terrible!

'I very nearly didn't do this film.

'But there was so little work around I felt I couldn't say no.

'The week before I'd had a meeting about Worzel Gummidge,

'but Pertwee had his favourites, I knew that from Who.

'Can we spin it on a bit?

'Say when.'

'There. You see?

'It's finally in the right place.'

The 6th of December is Saint Nicholas Day.

Saint Nicholas brings treats for the good boys and girls, but...

'Ralph Cosgrove, lovely actor,

'always thought he had a Prospero in him, but I don't think he ever pursued it.'

Here he is, in the clutch of the Krampus,

even the most unholy child

will promise to turn from his wicked ways.

- We had a nanny rather like that. - Oh, Julian, don't exaggerate.

So, he is the dark side of Santa Claus, a sort of Jekyll & Hyde?

The Krampus walks the streets for three nights.

If you hear the cowbells you will know he is close by.

On the first night, if you have been bad,

you will find a switch in your shoe.

Like a light switch?

No, Toby, a switch is a rod or a twig used for whipping horses.

Or naughty little boys.

It is a warning to mend your manners.

On the second night, if you're still bad,

the Krampus will leave his mark upon you.

You will wake up with scratches

where he has visited you in the night.

And on the third night, my God,

if you're still not mended,

he will come for you.

'It goes on a bit, this speech.'

..stuffed into his sack

and put down into the flames of hell.

Typical Friday night in Berkhamsted, hey, Mummy?

Oh! His eyes, something about his eyes,

like he knows something.

Everything.

FIRE CRACKLES

Well, I think we'll stick with good old Father Christmas if it's all the same with you, Klaus.

Now, come on, everybody, let's go and unpack.

Come on, darling.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Amen.

Good boy, Toby.

- Sleep well. - I'm not tired.

Try and rest. You need your energy for all that skiing tomorrow.

Toby, what's this?

- What? - Your boots.

What are they doing out there?

I left them out for Krampus.

What?

Klaus said if you have been a good boy Saint Nicholas will come

and leave coins and sweets in your shoes, or presents in your sack...

'Not the best actor in the world,

'but very hard to find a good child

'given the subject matter of the film.'

..Darling, Krampus isn't real.

It's just a story.

And Santa?

Go to sleep.

- Oh! - Everything all right, darling?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Oh, it's nothing, all these myths and legends,

I don't like that man coming in here scaring Toby like that.

I'd say it's not Toby who's scared.

You're shaking like a leaf.

- Come to bed. - All right, I will.

Well, don't look at me, I didn't put it there.

Well, somebody did.

Poor Toby hasn't stopped crying all morning.

- Where is he now? - Klaus took Cathy and he to the village

to get a cup of hot chocolate.

Oh, well, that ought to cheer him up.

Just a bunch of old twigs, anyhow.

Maybe it was one of the locals trying to scare the gullible tourists and keep us entertained.

Yes, maybe, or perhaps...

Perhaps what?

- Oh, nothing. - No, go on, spit it out.

Perhaps Cathy put them there herself.

Why on earth would she do that?

Oh, Julian, you know what I think.

Toby reminds Cathy of your first wife and she resents him for it.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's true.

It wouldn't surprise me if Cathy hadn't put those sticks there herself...

'Nancy overshot her mark again.

'She wouldn't wear glasses, said they were wrong for the character.

'But Brian saved the day, look.

'Oh, yeah.'

I don't trust her. Disappearing for days on end.

And if she doesn't want to fulfil her wifely duties, well, then,

maybe you should move on.

I've no intention of divorcing Cathy, Mummy.

I love her and she loves me. And if you don't like that

you can get the next plane home to Berkhamsted.

Fine. But you know what Klaus said.

Those sticks are a warning.

Rubbish. And you know what we do with rubbish.

Ralph, can we just see the plate in for a moment?

'That's great, thank you.

'OK, quiet on the floor, please,

'there was a lot of noise on that last take.

'Here we go. 'In five, four, three...'

And then Klaus showed us how they train the reindeer,