How I Met Your Mother

Kids, everybody makes mistakes.

Take this girl Meg for instance.

She made a mistake, a mistake named Barney.

Yeah,

I thought I was gonna get married to my last boyfriend

but, boy, did that guy have commitment issues.

That whole relationship--

that's three weeks of my life I'll never get back.

Well, I love commitment.

I wish I could marry commitment.

- I met a girl last night. - Really?

So perky and full of life and not at all fake.

You're talking about her boobs, right?

C?

And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size.

What up?

- So, these boobs... - Hmm.

paint me a word picture.

All right, Ted.

Imagine the heads of two Irish babies.

Mmm.

Let's call them...

and...

Please stop!

When you get married,

you start outgrowing certain parts of your life.

And for Lily and Marshall,

those certain parts were,

for the most part,

me.

Why would you come in?

You heard me shaving!

I thought you were shaving your face!

Well, clearly I wasn't!

- Oh! - No, no!

- Pay up! - Ugh!

Hussy!

- Guys. - Hussy? What?

Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning

and it reeks in here.

Ted said it was okay.

Ah, hey, Marshall.

You're still up?

Aren't you taking the bar tomorrow?

Discontent was bubbling under the surface,

until one day...

Ted!

How many times have I asked you to put the lid

back on the peanut butter jar?

It's this sort of inconsiderate,

immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in the Real World house,

and not the early years...

when they all had jobs and social consciences.

I'm talking about Hawaii and after!

I can't take this anymore!

Ted, Lily and I are married now!

It's time!

We're getting our own place!

Actually,

I left the lid off. Sorry, baby.

But still, it was time to move forward.

So, they set out to find a new apartment to rent.

Hey, here's one.

Pre-war building, recently renovated,

hardwood floors,

tons of light,

two bedroom, two bath.

Oh, yeah, but that one's not for rent.

It's for sale.

Oh, right.

Kids, Uncle Marshall always likes to say

that he had made three big mistakes in his life.

This was the first.

Jump, you big chicken!

Jump! You afraidy cat!

Jump! Jump!

This was the second.

No!

And this was the third and biggest.

We should buy a place!

What?

Baby, real estate is always a good investment.

It's not.

And the market is really hot right now.

It wasn't.

And because of my new job,

we are in such a strong place financially.

They weren't.

Because lily had a secret

Hi.

My name is Lily and I'm a shopaholic.

Hi, Lily.

Oh, you guys don't do that here?

Sorry.

Proceed.

I buy designer clothes and accessories

that I can't afford.

I have 15 credit cards, and they're all maxed out.

And no one outside of this room, not even my husband, knows.

And I, I feel terrible

because all I want to do right now is ask you

where you got those shoes.

They're adorable.

We can't buy; we have debt.

Yeah, I know,

my student loans are pretty big.

I forgive you.

What?

Well.. I'm just saying as your wife,

you know, I'm cool that you spent tens of thousands of dollars

on a brand name law school.

Because I know it makes you feel good and pretty.

Let's just go take a look at this place.

Where is it?

Uh, it's in a neighborhood called...

Dowisetrepla?

Dowisetrepla.

Oh, I see, you're not New Yorkers.

Oh, actually we live on the Upper West Side, so...

No need to be embarrassed,

listen, here in New York

we just shorten the names of all the neighborhoods,

SoHo, TriBeCa, Nolita--

Oh, right.

Dowisetrepla.

No, I'm, I'm from New York.

I know this neighborhood.

I'm down with D-town.

Oh, well, nobody calls it D-town.

Dowisetrepla is the up-and-coming neighborhood.

And I have to tell you, for these prices,

you're not going to be able to find another...

I'm, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Don't bother with the hard sell.

This place is, is way out of our price range,

and besides, we've only just started to looking.

Is what Marshall should have said.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I love it! Let's get it!

Thank you, guys, for coming down here so quickly.

I've never been to this neighborhood.

Kind of thought this part of town was water.

No, dude.

This is Dowisetrepla.

- Dowisetrepla? - Yeah.

Is that an abbreviation for something?

He's from Ohio.

- Dowisetrepla is the up-and-coming neighborhood.

Oh.

I think this might be the place where Lily and I start a family.

I can see it now.

Two, three, four.

All right, bring it home, boys.

Sounds great, boys.

Who wants chocolate pancakes?

Thanks, Mommy!

Man,

life is gonna be sweet!

Oh, my God,

Lily, have you seen this kitchen?

- I know. - It's...

Isn't it amazing?

- I just love it so... - What the hell are you doing?

You can't buy this place.

Lily, you have a debt the size of Mount Waddington!

Waddington?

It's the tallest mountain in Canada.

It's like 4, 000 meters high.

Meters?

Don't let Marshall fall in love with this apartment.

I know, I know, I know, I know,

but what do I tell him?

I-I don't know, tell him, um,

tell him you saw a ghost. Tell him it's haunted.

You really don't know Marshall at all.

So, uh, the owners,

- where are they? - Oh.

They're on vacation in France

- for two of weeks. - I see.

Between you and me,

I'm also interested in the apartment.

So is there any way I could come back later and check it out

while you're showing them other places?

The lock bar's combination is

1421.

And here is my card.

Are you serious?

You're trying to snake this apartment away from Marshall and Lily?

Ted, do you think I have no morals whatsoever?

I simply want to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment

so I can nail her once and never have to see her again.

I'm not a monster.

Now, listen, I don't want to put a lot of pressure on you,

but there is one other couple that's expressed...

very serious interest.

I see what you're doing here.

"Another couple. "

Please.

That crap is page one out of the Realtor's playbook.

And we're not buying it.