Telenovela

Uh-oh.

Guys, guys.

Our worst nightmare's come true.

It's Isabela's birthday.

You always do that joke.

I know, 'cause it's so funny,

but this time, it's for real.

That's not good.

- Are you sure? - Yeah!

Her agent sent her flowers.

all: - Oh. - This is not a drill.

So what do we do?

We survive.

We know she's going to be in a bad mood,

so that means don't talk to her, don't touch her,

don't even think about her!

She'll know!

- Coffee, now. - Whoa!

Good luck, everyone.

All right, let's get this over with

before I forget my one line.

One line, can you believe it?

I'm an award-winning actress.

I've been doing telenovelas for 20 years...

which is remarkable considering how young I am.

How young are you?

- -

Any guesses?

- 112? - 35?

Here's your coffee.

I said almond milk!

Ow! She did it again!

All right, calm down, Cruella de Vil.

We all know it's your birthday.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

You're right.

What is wrong with me?

You know, my father left us on my sixth birthday,

and I always thought, "If I were only prettier

or smarter, he would've come back."

I guess when I lash out, it's just me saying,

"Love me, Daddy."

Oh, Isabela.

I had no idea.

And that, bitches, is how you act.

She didn't-- she didn't get me.

She got me.

I hate that Isabela tricked us into having feelings for her.

I know. For a minute there,

I thought she had blood pumping through her cold, dead heart.

I just hate secrets. They ruin relationships.

It's true.

My ex-husband told secrets, and now he's in jail.

Yeah, my last boyfriend told me he was naturally blond,

but then in the winter, when his body hair grew back.

I found that it was all a lie.

Exactly.

You know, we spend so much time together.

How are we supposed to be a family

if we can't trust each other?

Get me up, Mimi.

- - Okay.

Oh, all right, everybody!

I have an announcement.

Just--

really quick.

Why isn't anybody gathering?

You've been making a lot of announcements lately.

People are starting to get bored.

You might have to entice them with something.

Hmm.

Ice cream for everyone.

And since you're all here,

I want to give you encouragement to share more of yourselves.

I want us to stay a tight-knit family,

so from now on, we're going to have an open-book policy.

No more secrets, okay?

I'll be the first to share.

I once broke my thumb playing with a very strong baby.

Anyone else want to share?

Okay. My wife just left me.

Maybe let's just start with the fun stuff, to ease in.

I own two Segways.

Fun!

Unnecessary but fun.

Oh, when I get stressed out, I eat chalk.

His wife left him for me.

Okay, you know what?

We're gonna-- we're gonna find our groove.

But great sharing, you guys. Good job.

- Doesn't go all the way up? - Nope.

I don't know what happened.

It was fine yesterday in the killer bee scene,

but today it just got stuck.

It's a tricky little guy.

I mean, big guy. I-- I wouldn't know.

How would I know?

Would it be easier if I took the pants off?

Okay, thanks.

If you're trying on new laughs,

I'd have a back-up option.

Well, what sound should I make

when I'm feeling up my co-worker?

So what's going on with you?

Hmm.

Come on. Open-book policy.

Last night, I had a sex dream about Rodrigo.

- What? - We were on the beach.

And there were all these dolphins watching.

They were really pervy too,

because they kept high-fiving each other, like--

- Dolphins are pervy. - Mm.

Xavi and I were snorkeling in the Bahamas,

and one of them stuck their tongue in my ear.

- Ew. - Mm.

So you have a thing for Rodrigo?

No, it's just been a long time since I've, you know--

If you think that's sex, it has been a long time.

Tell me about it.

Well, if it's sex you need,

why don't you sleep with Rodrigo?

Are you kidding?

Have you seen the girls he's brought around here?

I've pumped out three kids, I dye my gray hair,

and I've got that weird scar from the mechanical bull.

I told you you were riding it backwards.

- Mimi, you're beautiful. - Yeah, but I'm not his type.

And, you know, that's okay.

I'm too busy for all this middle school crush crap.

I'm happy with just the fantasy.

Reality requires too much free time.

And waxing.

Hello, Mr... Belvedere.

Looks like you walked into a dead zone.

All right, clear the set.

Rehearsing for tomorrow's big stunt.

I love when we do stunts.

There are so many fun toys on set!

Breakaway bottles.

Breakaway chairs.

Ooh, breakaway glasses--

Actually, those are Karen's!

Oops.

Sorry. Sorry.

Yep, that should hold.

Tomorrow, my character darts into the room,

leaps over this couch, and jumps through that glass window.

You're doing all that? You're so brave!

. I'm not doing all that.

Got to protect the merch.

That's why we have stunt guys--

Big, brawny dudes that are so tough,

they can run through a window and not even feel it.

Xavi, I would like you to meet your stunt double.

Hi, I'm Colleen.

Oh, she's so cute!

I got it.

- Here you go, mami. -

Are you playing Charades without me?

One word, movie, four syllables, "Armageddon"!

Shh!

- Hey, Rodrigo. - Yo.

Doesn't Mimi look pretty today?

- - Of course.

A strong, worldly, sophisticated woman--

she always looks beautiful.

- Would you sleep with her? - Ana!

What? Hypothetically.

No. I would make love to her.

Screw your open-book policy.

Oh, Mimi!

Oh, Mimi's mad at Ana?

Happy birthday to me.

Isabela.

There's no one worse than her.

Happy birthday to both of us, sister.

- Carmen! - Hello, Isabela.

I miss you so much!

It's a birthday miracle.

Look how happy everyone is.

I'm so scared.

Hi, this is Mimi. Please leave a message after the--

Ow! Nico, are you kidding me? Throwing a--

Mimi, I've called you four times.

We have to talk about Isabela's crazy twin!

Hope you're not asleep already.

It's 8:30, so maybe. All right, well, call me.