Dead Pixels

EERIE INTRO MUSIC

TRIP HOP BEAT

CAR HORNS BEEP

You ever shit in a bucket?

Sorry, what did you say? You heard me, sweetheart.

I see you and your Metroid t-shirt, with your geek-girl glasses

and cute little Pac-Man keychain.

I see you, girl. So let me ask you again,

have you ever shit in a bucket?

Because I have.

Twice. Once playing EverQuest

and then again playing Shogun: Total War. I had bad guts!

Right. Sorry to hear that.

What was the last game you completed? Full completion.

And if it was an 8-bit and you played it on an emulator, then save states don't count.

I-I'm not sure... "Erm, erm, I'm not sure!"

And yet, here you are at a bus stop looking all cute.

"Oh, everyone, look at me, I'm a gamer!"

Do you know what this is? This is cultural appropriation.

Because I did my business into a bucket and I slung it out of a window and into the privets.

I would do it again, in a heartbeat, if the game demanded, because that's hard-core.

Slave to the game.

Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.

TRIP HOP BEAT

CREATURES ROAR

SHE GASPS Yeah!

Right, mission complete. Cut sequence.

I must insist on absolute silence.

"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal, bring urgent news from the Citadel.

"Your hive mother is gestating."

Shit the bath! She's fucking pregnant!

"Soon she will spawn the mightiest army the kingdom has ever seen

"and her genocidal plan to cleanse the outer rim will be completed."

Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky?

DIALOGUE SKIPS Yeah. Taking it all in.

Just drinking it in.

Ooh, items! Apparently, if I collect all 50 crystal acorns,

I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.

Sounds pathetic. I must have it!

"The Jade Knot is in debt to you, young warrior. Yaah!"

HORSES NEIGH

"Guys, there's gonna be an announcement about the Kingdom Scrolls movie."

They're casting Vince Vaughn as Tanadaal.

WHAT? NO!

Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?!

I'm so sorry for your loss. No!

He's too bulky! He doesn't have the substance!

He's too substantial and also too insubstantial!

It's all kicked off. Reddit's basically imploded.

Oh, my God! There was so much hate speech on there,

one of the moderators has been signed off with PTSD.

Is this a joke? Seriously, is it fucking Jester's Day again?

Perfect! No sword play!

No sword play on the resume of Mr Vince Vaughn!

But I guess that's OK because he's only playing a barbarian!

Don't even get me started on the hairline. Tanadaal has a fringe!

A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn is essentially 95 percent forehead!

Have you seen his hairline from the Emmys? His forehead is essentially infinite!

This is an international outrage!

I want to punch someone in the face! I would punch my cat if I had a cat!

I could kill, like, a person.

If I had a sniper rifle right now, I'd go and find a vantage point,

squeeze off a clip, take out a couple of grannies.

Drink myself into a stupor and get in a fight with an army man.

Pound my thighs with a camping mallet!

Bang my head against a sheet of titanium until I forget my own name!

Lock myself into the boot of my car and just scream!

Swallow a ping pong ball so I asphyxiate!

Bind my hands behind my back and then fall out of the loft!

Shave all my hair off and then eat it from a bowl and just weep!

Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad.

KNOCK AT DOOR Great, and now the shopping's here.

This day is so fucked! MEG WEEPS

Great, thanks. Receipt's in the bag, is it? OK, bye.

"Nicky, hurry up."

"Nicky, hurry up. Come on."

Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need to put the shopping away.

"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!"

Right, powdered goods there. There.

Sauces there. There.

Bread. Perfect.

"Guys, it's me! Russell!

"I made a new friend. This is My Mum Died Yesterday. He's Swiss."

"Wait. Your mum died yesterday?"

"Whose mum died yesterday?" My mom didn't die yesterday. My mom died in '08.

"No, that's his name - My Mum Died Yesterday. It's a joke!"

He's mad! He's Swiss! HOOVER HUMS

Dance.

Come on, everyone, do the dance.

Russell, mate, no-one dances in Kingdom Scrolls any more. It's the ultimate dick move.

It's kind of like going to London and wearing a t-shirt that says "I Love London".

But it's fun to dance. "Precisely!

If you want fun, go and play fucking Mario Cart against some pink-haired girl from Japan.

Otherwise, grab a cudgel and shut the fuck up!

Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.

Sorry, can I just ask you something? If you don't enjoy it, why do you still play it?

Well, that's the enduring mystery.

It's a commitment I made in error two years ago, which I seem somehow unable to break free from.

I'm a genie in a bottle,

and no-one's got a bottle opener. CLATTERING

And now he's stiffed me with a shitty pear. "Who has?"

The algorithm, Meg. The giant synthetic brain that dictates the flow of my life,

because he knows me and he knows I'm going to eat it anyway.

So here's to the algorithm! Long may he reign!

Mm! Really revolting!

I found a publicity shot of him in a western from 2000.

He looks wrong on a horse.

He just does.

I'm really sorry, Meg.

What's happened?

Is everything all right?

Not really.

They cast Vince Vaughn in the role of Tanadaal in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.

What's wrong with Vince Vaughn? He's funny.

That movie where he gets the job at Google...

Because that's what you want for a character who saw his parents burnt at the stake,

you want them to be funny. Nicky, can you...

We're coming to terms with it. It's still pretty raw.

Well, I'm sorry.

I know how much these things matter to you and - Excuse me. "These things"?

I didn't mean it like that.

This is the casting of the lead, Alison. This affects everyone.

And you needn't think you're safe,

because they came for the remake of Ghost in the Shell and I said nothing.

Then they came for the Fantastic 4,

again, and I said nothing.

And then they came for Kingdom Scrolls.

No. Sure.

I'm annoyed, too, actually.

Cor, that is so annoying!

OK, Alison, you have no idea!

Well, I mean, I know what it's like to have things not go your way.

Because remember last year when I went through that really difficult time?

Oh, yeah. God, that was hard!

So I socialised and I exercised

and I, er, saw that therapist. You know? Uh-huh. Yeah.

And I talked about everything and I came through.

My point is, when things get tough,

fight back!

Anyway... KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi!

Don't wait up!

What the fuck is she on about?

What really tough time? Not like when she got ill and lost her job?

I've got absolutely no idea! Anyway, how is that even the same?

Well, what's done is done.

Give it another 20 years and they'll probably do a reboot.

Yep. Best thing we can do now,

hunker down for two decades and wait for the reboot.

You know what, Nicky?

We don't have much, you and me,

we lead very thin lives, but we have this,

and you'd best believe we paid our dues, motherfucker. Hallelujah.

The days and the weeks and the months spent in the trenches, after all of those whoo girls,

the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!" with the thick-rimmed glasses,

pretending they play FIFA so they can hoover up all of the hot dick

whilst I'm shitting in a bucket,

and this is the thanks I get?

I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn as the lead?

Well, I say no more! Now, are you with me

or are you gonna bend over and take another mouldy pear up the shitter?

Comrade, I would follow you into battle any day,

but I think you knew that.

Totally forgot you shat in that bucket. So badass!

Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn!

Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.

Protest. What's the plan?

So, if we get 20,000 signatures, they have to discuss it in the House of Commons.

Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer. Bullshit! I say we dox him.

Hit him where he lives. Find the address of his production company,

send them a sleeping bag with a turd in it.

Hang on. Sorry, Meg. That's meaningless. And unfeasible!

It's entirely feasible.

So, what, you're gonna buy a sleeping bag from Argos, do a turd in it,

and then what, get DHL to courier it to LA?

It'll take three weeks, probably cost £200.

They'll open it, it won't be Vince, it'll be the nice girl on reception, it's only her second week,

she probably won't find the turd, which'll be all shrivelled up anyway from all the air travel,

£200 to send a desiccated turd to an intern! It is just nonsense!

Guys, guys, come on! Where's the unity?

Sorry, Meg.

We need to work together. We have a shared message.

Yeah. We repeal Vince Vaughn and replace him with Michael Fassbender.

Fassbender?! What?

Do you have any idea how short Fassbender's legs are?

I don't know, Nicky, tell me.

24-inch inside leg, and that is on very good authority,

and you want him to play the Tall Man of Blackspire? Fine. Then, who?

Cumberbatch. Oh, you total pussy!

"What?" Are you a fucking woman, Nicky?

Are you an actual lady with a VW Beetle and a subscription to Grazia magazine?

Daddy, Mommy wants you to hold the ladder for her!

I'll be right there, honey! Oh, would you lookie here? I seem to have my fingers crossed.

"Good news. He's on his way!

"My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to my house. He's mad. He's Swiss."

"My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to your house?"

"Yeah. We're gonna hang out."

Mad! Swiss!

No. You don't do that, Russell!

You don't invite a man called My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.