Daniel Tosh: Completely Serious

Dan, in five minutes.

Daniel. Let's begin.

Ladies and gentlemen. Daniel Tosh.

Thank you. Thank you.

I deserve that.

I'm really good. One of the best. That's yeah, the best.

Currently ranked number one in the world.

So buckle up, you guys are in for a treat.

19000 people. This is awesome.

Thank you. Seriously don't look around.

It's 19,000. People watching the TV they

never know. They're so stupid.

That's why they watch TV.

It's great to be here in the OC.

Diversity. That's what I like about the OC.

You know between upper middle and upper. My people.

Oh, there anything more annoying than the poor?

Always complaining: "Aw, I can't afford a two-bedroom townhouse

for six hundred thousand dollars." Good, move east.

Yeah, that's what the middle of the country's for. People that gave up on

their dreams. Oh, that's gonna, sting isn't, tourist?

Alright, how much longer do I have-- holy cow!

That opening did not take long enough. We have another 55 minutes.

I tell you how long I've been on stage. I think that's nice.

I don't have to. Ever been in church: "Hey, when's this fucker going to

wrap it up? We got kick off!

Why does God hate football season?

I wish he was arrested on a Wednesday.

It's so hard to be a Christian in the west coast time zone.

I probably shouldn't talk about church and say fucking in the same sentence.

Or on Comedy Central. They don't want me to swear. But, I love to swear and I

don't know that I'm not allowed to swear. Right? What if I die get up to heaven

and God's like: "Hey, man. Welcome to fuckin' heaven."

"Oh, my. What did you say?" He's like: "Welcome to fucking heaven."

"You can swear?"

He's like: "Fuck yeah! It's fucking heaven."

"Oh, see I was always raised as a child never to swear."

"Where in the Bible does it say you can't fucking swear?"

I'm like: "No fucking where." He's like: "Yeah. Now you're getting it.

By the way I saw some slutty bitches by the pearly gates. You can go tap that.

They ain't getting in." I'm like: "What?"

He's like: "No, I'm kidding. You're not in heaven.

You're in hell. You're on PUNK'D." Oh, damn you, Ashton.

That one was elaborate.

Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife you're a douchebag.

Hope you enjoy charity banging that geriatric for eternity.

Am I right? It's so gross. "I hope I get famous in my early 20 so I

can settle down and marry some middle-aged forty-year-old with a

bunch of kids. That'll throw off the scent of the gay trail." Haha.

I guess it has, I guess it has.

Women like that Demi married a younger man because guys do it all the time

and no one gives him grief for, but if a woman does it becomes an issue.

OK. But the flip side of that is how about when a hot female teacher bangs a 14

year old student and nobody in society really has a problem with it. They all

the same stupid joke: "Probably made the kid more popular." That's disgusting.

She's a pedophile, she should be in prison forever.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler.

And a lot of you're like: "That's because you were home schooled." Ok.

Valid. Valid point.

Doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means statistically I'm smarter than you are.

And I had game.

A leopard can carry two times its body weight into a tree.

I don't have a joke for that yet. But it is accurate and just in case you hate my

stand-up at least you can leave going: "You know what I learned something.

That guy's like a damn Snapple." Right? You might not like the flavor, but once

you pop the top you're: "Ohhh, the Sun is hot!

45 million degrees Fahrenheit! It feels warmer.

Tahoe's west of LA? Bullshit, Snapple!"

Then I saw a globe and I'm like: "I'm sorry, Snapple. You are always right."

Got to seal up the borders in this country that's for sure.

Yeah, I'm not talking about Mexico, either. I love Mexico.

Beautiful beaches and fifty dollars never bought me so much weed.

Sure, there were branches in it. I don't care. In a garbage bag.

I was king for a day.

I'm talking about Canada. Stay in your own yard.

I'm so sick of these Canadians down here. Always complaining, right?

"It's nice here but I couldn't live here. I love seasons, too much. I love seasons."

So do I. That's why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

Because, I love seasons.

Why don't you ice skate your ass back up to your log cabin

and enjoy that 10-month dead period?

Where you get to stay inside day after day and eventually have to stab

your wife to death that just so you can see some color.

Oh, that's my favorite season. Where your wife is lying dead on the floor.

Those reds! Am I right? It's like Maine. We should get lobster.

I don't think I could ever stab somebody because I'm really bad with the Capri Sun.

And other reasons that even fewer would laugh at. No? Okay.

No Juicy, Juicy, Juicy. This is my water.

This is gonna be exciting.

I wish it didn't have that many rotations to take the lid off.

Had I known that I would have pre-screwed it two turns.

Sometimes I feel bad because secretly I hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

But, but, but, but, then I don't.

What? You'd rather spend billions

rebuilding the city that's below sea level?

I've got another business plan. Cut our losses and finish the job, Lord.

I'm sorry s-- one guy.

Yeah, that's like: "You know what, I came to a comedy club.

I hope there's jokes and sarcasm." The rest of you are...

I'm a half full guy. New Orleans gets flooded, I said to myself:

"If any city in this country needed a bath, it was New Orleans.

That. Cajuns are dirty. That's a fact.

That's French and redneck merging.

That's a hygiene combination no antiperspirant can tackle.

And I'm not-- I'm not somebody that doesn't understand why you would "oh".

We had a horrible tragedy in our country, that's not bad enough. What's right

around the corner to make everything worse? Blatant racism. And it was obvious

in New Orleans. We all know it wasn't just black people looting, that's for sure.

There were tons of Mexicans there.

There were. And nobody was pointing the finger.

I will. I see a Jose.

"Drop the VCR! The hell are you stealing a VCR for, anyway?

They don't even make VHS tapes.

Why don't you steal a TiVo? That's what I would steal."

But, I don't have to because I'm white and I've had one for 3 years.

That's-- That's not racial. That's a fact.

I've almost had one for 4 years. I'm not gonna say that.

How does that make the joke better? "I've had a TiVo for 4 years."

"Who's the dick?"

So I say three years to soften it.

Wherever you live there's risk. I mean we accept that. We live here.

Oh, California. We have earthquakes, mudslides. The rest of the country thinks

it's hysterical: "Haha! That's what you guys get for building your

houses on the side of cliffs."

That's because we have shit to look at, Tulsa.

Why don't you keep your mouth shut and enjoy that new strip mall?

Oh, I hear they're gonna put a Chili's in it. That's gonna be super sweet.

On thursdays they're doing 2 4 and appetizers.

I'm gonna go Pizza Pop where you get spinach artichoke dip.

I wanna get chicken fingers. You're chicken Caesar salad.

It's a different kind of chicken.

Oh, that joke was long and worth it.

Do you know who loves to get fisted?

Sock puppets.

That joke is adorable.

I wrote that joke so children could watch my show on TV

and not be embarrassed in front of their parents.

I was watching the country music channel the other day and

I fell asleep and I woke up racist.

Ah, that explains the holes in my linens.

Saw a guy driving on the highway with his bare foot out the window.

Can we agree that that's disgusting? Right, so I was gonna pull next to him

to scream at him and then I realized it was an amputee making a left.

I know but I already started to yell so I'm: "Oh, your blinkers out!"

And he waved or kicked.

Received the information.

If anybody ever asks you for directions and you have to point, point with 4 fingers.

The look on their face will be the funniest thing you saw all day long.

Just be: "Oh, yeah. It's over there."

"Are you yelling at me?"

"No. Just go that way to the left. That's how you get there.

Well, then you should have asked the walrus."

My girlfriend is Korean for this joke.

And we met online and people make jokes

about it but that's not how eBay works.

You research, wait for one without a reserve. None of this buy it now.

I don't have a girlfriend, oh.

She got so mad. She hated I that always corrected her.

And I told her: "How do you think it made me feel? Knowing I was dating someone who was always wrong?"

And I'm in show business.

Oh, she would get so jealous when I cheated on her.

And I would tell her: "Maybe if you

had a better body, I wouldn't have to.

Instead of 'Ohing', why don't you get on a treadmill, put on 8 with an incline

because I'm not gonna stick around with back fat." And she's like: "I'm not fat,

I'm pregnant." I'm like: "Whatever. It's gross.

Now make me a sandwich." Then I give her kidney shot.

Not a hard one. Just so "You know I love honey turkey." POW!

"He likes turkey. I need more iron in my diet."

That's a bruise joke.

People are like: "Oh, he punched a pregnant girlfriend."

She wasn't pregnant. She's pro choice.

Does that make you uncomfortable? Move to South Dakota. Hear they're taking rights.

You know that South Dakota is the first state in our country to make

abortion completely illegal.

And it doesn't affect me because good luck finding someone

in South Dakota that I'd have sex with.

Have you seen them?

There is no talent on that team. That's a AAA club at best.

And if you're not pro-choice, all that means you've never slept with a stripper

in Kansas City.

Cause that's a phone call no man wants.

"Guess who's gonna be joining us for breakfast? Cinnamon Junior."

"Not if my seven hundred dollars has anything to say about it.

Now clean it out."

I know. But he had a really bad dad.

I'm reading the crowd.

One more abortion joke? You got it.

All right. I could tell. I could tell. I do this for a living.

Have you heard about this morning after pill

or as I like to call it breakfast in bed?

That a few women have taken and died a few days later?

Ho, talk about two birds.

Oh, yeah.

"Looks like I will be going to the game this weekend, fellas.

Drinks are on me. I had a great week."

Poker's a sport? Then put it in the Olympics.

And you can only play with what your country's worth.

How great would that be, being American?

"Looks like Costa Rica's all in with 15 coconuts."