American Housewife

Greg, you're cooking.

Don't do something nice for me

that will take me an hour to clean up.

No, I'm researching a historical dish to drop off

with my application for the Westport Historical Guild.

Colonial onion pie?

It's an homage to Westport's past

as a leading onion producer in America.

I think it'll help my application stand out from the crowd.

Crowd? What crowd?

It's eight guys talking about preserving dirt roads.

I'm aware the stakes are high.

You don't need to make me any more nervous than I already am.

Okay.

My apologies for being late.

But you have to dress for the life you want,

not the life you have.

Where did you get the money to buy

that ridiculously expensive shirt?

I dipped into my save jar.

And who are you dressing up for, Oliver?

Your girlfriend?

Her I have to answer.

You I owe nothing.

I'm finished. Can I go play?

Sweetie, you didn't wash your hands four times.

Is something wrong?

Nope. I just don't feel like it today.

She just doesn't feel like it today.

Yeah, but she could wash them once.

Her hands are covered in egg.

Ah, Dr. Ellie's really helping Anna-Kat with her OCD.

She might be on her way to becoming a typical kid.

Well, two steps forward, four steps back.

But still, it's a victory. We should celebrate.

Let's go out tonight for dinner and drinks.

That sounds so tiring.

Agreed. I regretted it the moment I said it.

Yeah.

What are you doing? We have to pay for those.

Greg, you're always taking the high road.

We're paying for them by buying all this other stuff.

- It's part of the deal. - It's stealing.

- Or sampling. - Or stealing.

Look, we could go 'round and 'round about this for hours.

Let's just agree that it's sampling and call it a day.

Oh, onions.

Recipe calls for two bushels.

Mm.

Mama, Dad, Penny just invited me

to her house for a playdate.

Can I go?

Well, Penny, depends on where you live.

Is your house a castle?

Mama, don't be weird.

Penny's in the grade above me.

She's right over there.

Oh. Sure.

First, she skips her hand-washing routine.

Now she's telling me I'm weird.

This is typical kid stuff.

Except for the hygiene part, this is wildly encouraging.

Right?!

Katie.

Sampling.

She didn't even wash her hands after she used the bathroom.

We couldn't be happier.

Low bar in the Otto household.

And she made a playdate with a second-grader.

A human second-grader?

- Mm-hmm. - Who's the other mom?

Chloe Brown Mueller.

You're going on a playdate at Chloe Brown Mueller's house?

- Yeah. - Wait a minute. Hold up.

Chloe Brown Mueller?

Why do you guys insist on saying her full name?

Because...

She's Chloe Brown Mueller.

When you meet her, you'll understand.

She's a local celebrity.

She has thousands of Instagram followers,

and all of her posts are about what a perfect mommy she is.

How do you not know and despise Chloe Brown Mueller already?

I'm not big into social media,

and I actively avoid people with three names.

Plus, I've never seen her at drop-off.

That's because her housekeeper brings Penny to school.

That is terrible mothering.

My housekeeper brings my kids to school.

Yeah, but I'm friends with you.

In a town full of gossips, she's the worst.

She texted everyone about my divorce

before I even knew about it...

and implied that it was my fault.

It was your fault. You cheated multiple times.

That's on her.

All of her friends are just so attractive.

So she's a little gossipy.

I can handle that.

She's also super judgmental.

She mommy-shamed me once by Instagraming my dirty car.

Ugh!

I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity

to mommy-shame her back, but the best that I found

was that she doesn't recycle her yogurt containers.

The way to deal with Chloe Brown Mueller

is to shut up, get in, get out.

Mm-hmm. Hang on, back up.

You went through her garbage?

Mm-hmm, I made a huge mess so she would think it was raccoons.

I even tore some stuff with my teeth.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally.

Hang on one sec.

And I'm back.

I totally agree, but the thing is...

Hang on one sec.

I'm sorry. There's like zero privacy in this house.

Hang on one sec.

Who the hell are you talking to?

Who I talk to is none of your business.

You really do have a girlfriend, don't you?

Taylor, I swear on my robust IRA

that I do not have a girlfriend.

Fine, don't tell me the truth.

I'll find out by myself.

You're not going to find anything.

You couldn't even find your way home yesterday.

I left school from the soccer field.

I was all confused.

Important family announcement.

Stay the hell away from the minivan.

I just got it washed.

I thought you said the only way you'd wash that car

is if you drove us all into a lake.

That is true.

But Anna-Kat has a playdate at the house

of Westport's most judgy mom.

I'm not risking her social life by having a dusty whip.

Nice slang, Mom.

Yeah, girl.

And you ruined it.

These pies... They look like pies.

- I did it! - Great job, Greg.

And you didn't even hurt yourself.

Actually, I sustained some burns that aren't visible,

but it'll all be worth it.

Can I get you to taste one and tell me what you think?

I'd be happy to.

Ugh!

That... is the worst thing I have ever smelled.

I'm turtling up.

- Ohh. - It's perfect.

- I was going for historical accuracy. - Ugh!

Colonial onion pie is supposed to be awful.

Ugh!

- Come on, Anna-Kat. - Oh, God.

It's time for you playdate.

- Ohh! Greg, - Oh!

you've given our house permanent B.O.

Put it outside and Febreze the hell out of this place

while I'm gone.

- Ugh. - I...

Remember to say "please," "excuse me," and "thank you."

And don't use any of the words Mama screams

while she's driving.

Mama, come here.

I got this.

Oh, Anna-Kat.

Roberta.

I'm so glad you and Penny

finally get to play ponies together.

Come on, I'll show you to her room.

Katie. Chloe Brown Mueller.

So nice to meet you.

Did you...

Did we just take a picture together?

Your daughter is adorable.

So much better than the last girl Penny brought over.

I gave that playdate one and a half stars.

Snooze.

I'm just going to smile and nod

because I can't tell if she's kidding.

Hey, would you like to come in for a glass of Sancerre?

Chloe, I'd love to learn what that is.

But I got some errands to run.

I'll be back in two to pick up Anna-Kat.

Hey, how is your friend Angela doing?

I hear she's dating again.

Is that true?

All right, I'm just gonna say it true.

Oh, hey. How'd the playdate go?

It went awesome.

Aw, that's great, sweetie.

Yay!

Okay, how'd it really go? Awkward? A disaster?

An awkward disaster?

The playdate went so well

with Chloe Brown Mueller that she even posted about it.

She gave it four stars.

"Life is an adventure."