Two and a Half Men

Pretty fancy prices here.

Yeah, well, just so we're clear,

I'm picking up the tab tonight.

Okay.

This is my celebration. I invited you.

Fine.

So don't go grabbing the check.

I won't touch the check.

I mean, if you want to leave the tip

that would be all right.

I could do that.

I usually leave 15%, but if you want to leave 20...

that's your call.

Thank you.

Unless you think it's easier

if we just split the check.

Whatever.

Of course, in many families

if someone is celebrating some good news,

his brother would insist on buying dinner.

Then why don't I do that.

But I'll leave the tip.

One question.

What?

Do you have any money?

No.

I left my wallet at home.

You mean this wallet?

Oh, good, you found it.

I was looking all over.

So, uh... where did we leave things?

You're paying, we're splitting?

Oh, just shut up.

So anyway, what's this good news you're celebrating?

It's a surprise.

I want to wait till Mom gets here.

Yes, Jake, we see the spoon on your nose.

Now stop it.

Can you do it?

I don't want to do it.

Now behave yourself.

Oh, work with me.

Just wonderful.

You pick a restaurant that has no valet.

I had to park three blocks away

and then schlep here in shoes that are not made for walking.

I've got a blister the size of a communion wafer,

and if Mommy doesn't get something to drink immediately,

things are going to get very ugly.

Let the celebration begin.

Maybe the lesson here, Mom,

is to buy shoes that are made for walking.

Is it just me?

In a perfect world it would be.

Well, anyway, I'm here.

So what's your big announcement, Alan?

Jake, get that spoon off your nose.

You don't know where it's been.

It's been on my nose.

You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy.

Now that we are all here,

I have some good news to share.

This is not going to be out on the newsstands

for a couple of days, but I have an advance copy.

"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."

Good God.

Hey, Dad, you're famous.

Well, not really.

Well, among the readers of the Tarzana Pennysaver

maybe a little.

Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.

Charlie, don't be disrespectful.

Thank you, Mom.

So how much advertising did you have to buy

in exchange for this puff piece?

Why do you assume that I had to buy advertising?

Is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper

might run a cover story

about a successful local chiropractor?

Well, frankly, yes.

Unless the local chiropractor shot four people to death

in a mini-mart and then turned the weapon on himself.

You know, I get why Charlie

has never been able to acknowledge my accomplishments.

He's a self-centered hedonist

who can't get behind anyone

unless they're drunk and bent over a pool table.

That's fair.

But my own mother...

You're... up.

Refusing to even feign interest.

I did so feign interest.

You assumed that I had to buy advertising

to get the article.

Well, did you?

Neighborhood advertising is a good investment.

But that is not the point.

All right, dear, what is the point?

The point is I can't even get a simple "attaboy"

from my own mother.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Attaboy.

Feel better?

No, I do not feel better.

Did I not say it right?

You know what?

Forget it.

Let's just order, eat and get out of here.

Oh, one more of these and please keep them coming.

I'll buy the drinks.

Unless you want to split it with me.

*Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * *Oh.

No, Alan, what else?

I cannot believe that our mother made us carry her to her car,

just because she had a teeny-weeny little blister on her foot.

Well, hopefully the next time we have to carry her,

she'll be in a handy urn.

Oh, oh...

I'll pay for the urn if you'll get the cremation.

Done.

Jake? Where's my son?

Right here, Dad.

Oh, oh, good.

Uh, now listen, boy,

your old dad is not going to be here for...

Whee.

He's not going to be here forever.

And... and when I'm gone,

I want there to be no doubt in your mind

that I was as proud as punch

about all of your

accomplishments.

No matter how minuscule.

Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?

No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed.

He just gets a little bzzz.

Bzzz.

Anyway,

the important thing for you to know

is how much I love you.

You told the waiter you loved him, too.

He was a very good waiter.

And it's also important for you to know

that you can be anything you want.

Anything in the world.

No, I can't.

You're right. That's a crock.

But I love you...

And you have cheeks like a beaver.

Now go to bed.

You know, Dad, we've been learning about alcohol abuse

at school, and if you ever need a new liver

you can have half of mine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought we had a deal.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.

Best five bucks I ever spent.

Now come on, let's tuck you into bed.

Why can't my mother appreciate me?

All I wanted was once sincere "attaboy."

Is that too much to ask?

Attaboy.

Well, that looks like the last of the scallops.

Now all we got to do is wait for dessert.

Rainbow sherbet.

Oh, that should be pretty.

You know, I have spent my entire life

trying to please Mom, to make her proud of me,

but no more.

I... I am done trying.

Good for you.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Nope.

You know, if you put the seat down,

it's easier to rest your arms.

Oh, you're right.

You are a wise man, Charlie Harper.

I do a have few pockets of specialized knowledge.

Some might call it wisdom.

And it seems warmer, too.

You're further away from the cooling effect of the water.

Not to mention the residual body heat

accrued from thousands of ass-hours.

Wow, you've really given a lot of thought to this.

I'm thinking of writing a book.

And I will read it.

Thank you.

You know what I am, Charlie?

Yes.

I'm a pathological people pleaser.

Huh. I had an entirely different answer.

But more accurately, I... I am a woman pleaser.

No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser.

You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit.

I-I-I'm not speaking physically,

I'm speaking psycholog... logically.

With Mom,

with Judith...

with every woman I've ever met.

I have twisted myself in knots

just trying to get them to like me.