Moonwalkers

I'll be there.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one,

zero.

I know I don't have to tell you this,

but we need a good one tonight.

More than ever.

Rick Gabler from Decca is supposed to show up.

This could be our chance to be signed by a big label.

This is going to be our kind of audience.

So, let's give them what they want.

All right.

And Glen, if you could try not to touch yourself

while you're singing, that would be great.

What?

But it's my signature move, Jonny.

You know it.

Honestly, mate, it makes everyone feel sick.

Please don't do it.

They love it, Jonny!

You like it, really.

That's worth more than music, actually.

This is our fucking day.

Let's give 100% out there.

All right, let's do this!

Give us a kiss.

Look, Paul, I know I said two weeks,

but I'm telling you, this band is on the verge.

After tonight's gig, the money is going to start pouring in.

No, I'm not a thief.

I just need a little bit more time.

To cut my hands off?

My balls?

Yeah. Yeah.

We are The Yellow Blackguards and we bring you love!

Fucking cunty bastards!

Jonny!

Shit!

Jonny!

1-7 And play your guitar loud .67

How was I to know they randomly changed

Hippie Night into inbred retard night?

You're our manager.

You're supposed to fucking know these things.

I mean, seriously, Jonny.

This can't go on, mate.

What can't go on?

This, you know.

You promising to deliver and us somehow

always ending up in the shitter.

Having to run for our lives.

You can't possibly blame me for this.

All right, it's not just this. It's...

Actually, it's everything.

Like, all right, example.

How long have you been saying that we're going to do my rock opera?

Because I don't see no rock opera. I'm working on it.

What else? All right. We've been gigging for three years

and I'm still not getting laid.

And that's what it's all about for you, isn't it, Glen?

Getting laid. Partly. Yes.

I'm the lead singer in a band.

I write all these fucking amazing poetic lyrics as well.

“You're off, Henry,” “Grandma's nipples,”

“Take me to the zoo, I fancy that rhino.”

Look, I'm sorry, Jonny, but we're going to need another manager.

What? That's ridiculous.

How is it going to work with two managers?

No, not like another manager, like a different one.

But that's insane. I'm just about to get you signed.

And all I'm asking for is two more days to sort it out.

Okay.

Fine. Two days.

But then we are fucking out of here.

Our luck is going to change. You'll see.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Jonny!

I believe that this nation should commit itself

to achieving the goal, before this decade is out,

of landing a man on the moon-- Blah, blah, blah.

Bullshit.

As you know, we've been developing

our space program for some time now,

planning our 11th Apollo mission to the moon in 10 days' time.

The trouble is...

we still don't have a clue whether the thing's going to make it or not.

It's been made only too clear to me that this is our last shot.

And that means the Russians will have a clear run

to get to the moon first.

And do you know what happens if the Russians happen

to make it to the moon first?

We're going to wind up looking like a bunch of dicks, that's what.

You ever seen a movie called 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Made by this film director geek called Stanley Kubrick.

All set in space and shit.

Doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense, but it looks terrific.

Now, the thing we've been asking ourselves is this.

If we've got a guy that can make things

look like they're on the moon,

then doesn't it make sense to...

you know, film a pretend moon landing?

Just in case the real one doesn't work.

We send Apollo into space.

If they land...

great.

If not, we let them circle around the moon

while we broadcast Kubrick's images.

Okay, so, here's the plan.

We've set up a little meeting for you in London

with Stanley Kubrick's agent.

He's expecting to meet with a Hollywood producer

who has an important project for his client.

Meet with Kubrick. Convince him.

There's enough money in this briefcase

to turn anyone into a patriot.

You don't look happy. The thing is, sir...

I just...

spent the last three years in Special Operations in Vietnam.

I was led to believe that I would be given leave.

Look, I get it. Who wants to go to London,

be surrounded by a bunch of hippies and homosexuals?

But the thing you have to know is this,

not all Englishmen are actually queer.

They just look and act queer.

So, you don't have to worry about that.

Any other questions?

Yes, sir.

It sounds like a rather large operation.

How are we going to keep this secret?

We'll do what the Egyptians did.

Bury the architects inside the pyramid.

The architects? The architects.

It's a metaphor.

Oh, right.

So you want me to kill everyone.

Oh, fuck.

Oh.

Jimi fucking Hendrix.

Fucking shit.

You all right, Jonny?

Did you do that?

What do you think?

The guy looks like you, though. Doesn't he?

Of course it looks like me.

That's me if I don't pay back The Ironmonger.

The Ironmonger?

Are you mad in the head, Jonny?

He chops people's willies off with rusty tools.

That could be you, your willy.

I know that, Leon.

I needed the money for the band.

I just got to get them signed,

then I can pay back The Ironmonger.

Oh. Then everything will be fine again.

Well, you know, on the bright side,

it couldn't get much worse. Yeah, all right, Leon.

I mean, you've barely got a pot to piss in.

If you lose the band, you'll be back on the breadlines.

All right, Leon. For fuck's sake.

I'm going to go see Derek Kaye.

He's the one man that can help me.

Oh.

Hey!

How's this place got all messy?

So, I said to her, I said...

I said, “Get your pussy out of my Aston Martin

before I kick it out.”

Kick it out. Meow!

You're an American, aren't you? Mm-hmm.

An American.

A Yankee.

I'm so clumsy, mumsy me.

No, no, please. Please.

Oh, no. Please.

We need napkins!

No, look, listen, we can talk about this when the money's right.

Because other--

No! Oh yeah.

I'll call you back.

Hi, Derek. What are you doing here?

Can I talk to you? I just need two minutes.

Right. Two minutes, that's it.

I've got an important meeting in five minutes.

Just be quick.

You've done well for yourself. Yeah.

Good clients. Well, you could do all right, too.

You just got to try not to fuck everything up all the time.

Yeah, that's good advice.

So, how's your dad's butcher business?

You working for him yet?

No. No, I'm not.

It's my band, you know, they're really going places.

You should hear the new set.

They're sounding tight.

Last night was amazing.

The girls were throwing their knickers

on the stage and everything.

Good for you. Yeah.

All we need now is a record deal.

I thought maybe you could help.