MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Attention all personnel. You're not gonna believe this,

but there's a new shipment of wounded in the compound.

Please report for triage.

I told you you wouldn't believe it.

I've got multiple compound fractures and severe abdominal trauma.

‐ This guy better go first. ‐ I got a sucking chest in the balcony, Doctor.

This guy better go before first. Whole blood and prep him, stat.

Get that down tight, will ya? Yes.

Sidney, what are you doing here?

I don't know. I thought I was getting on the crosstown bus.

Do you give transfers here?

How did you get this red stuff all over your head?

Well, you might find it hard to believe, but I was doing therapy in a foxhole...

with that boy.

We started to get overrun by some of those Chinese fellows. Oh, group therapy.

Then to discourage the Chinese, our artillery started lobbing shells into the area.

That discouraged all of us.

How's my tuchus? Fine. Just a little diaper rash.

Get the clothes off these Chinese patients,

add 'em to the Chinese uniforms we got from our last session and burn 'em.

They're infested. Yes, sir.

Sidney, what happened?

Well, it's a long story,

but it's the last house call I'll ever make.

When I first saw this boy, he had to be carried into my office.

He wasn't wounded. He'd seen three of his buddies killed in 24 hours.

Hysterical paralysis. How'd you get him back to the front?

We used to send these cases home,

and we found the problems just stuck with them all their lives. Hmm.

But if the trauma is recent enough,

and the defenses haven't built up to the point where they'll resist treatment,

it'll yield to talking. Hmm.

But you gotta get them right back to their unit.

So how come you wound up in the foxhole?

Doing a follow‐up. You can't just send them out and forget 'em.

Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry.

Would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?

I kind of doubt that'll be necessary, Major.

I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.

Yes, but that was before you touched your nose. I beg your pardon.

Your nose. You touched your nose. You're no longer sterile.

If you operate now, you'll contaminate the field.

Of course. That is precisely what I would do, if in fact,

I had touched my nose, which I didn't.

Major, I saw you touch your nose!

Major, do you think my face is insensate?

Don't you think if I had touched my nose, I would have felt it?

I just felt something over my lip. Maybe you touched my nose.

You touch his nose, you'll have to marry him.

Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose.

You naughty boy.

Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up...

because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!

She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.

I did not touch my no‐‐ I did not touch my nose.

You did touch your nose! I saw you touch your nose!

It's the battle of the noses, ladies and gentlemen. Who do you think is ahead?

Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it. Say, that's disgusting.

How am I expected to operate in here...

if I must continually leave to wash my hands?

Don't touch your nose! Idiots.

Careful you don't scald yourself with that coffee, Major.

You have definite problems with depth perception.

Oh, I know what I saw, Major. A nose is a nose is a nose.

Where are you two kids gonna be eating? I'd like to sit on the other side of Korea.

Why don't you stuff it? What are you getting mad at me for?

I didn't touch my nose. But you did.

No, I did not. You did.

You most certainly did! I did not touch my nose!

Excuse me, sir. Mommy's got dinner ready, but I can't find my daddy.

He's this big hairy man in an undershirt.

Fascinating case, eh, Sidney? What do you make of it?

Well, it's either a serious regression to childhood...

or possibly some kind of borderline schizophrenia.

Regression. That one. All of a sudden I feel real small, you know?

Maybe I should sit down and tell you about it.

I'm so glad we're not late for the dinner show. Toast of Broadway strikes again.

I got it. Smell this. Oh, come on. Don't start with me.

I know what it smells like. I mean it. I can't eat if you do that.

Just take a sniff.

If you took a raw egg and buried it in a shoe...

under a chicken coop‐‐ I told you not to do that! How am I gonna eat this stuff?

Am I right? But a brown egg. A brown egg, right? Will you shut up?

Who gave you permission to steal my personal private property?

I'll tell my daddy you did that. He's got big long hairy arms.

So's your old man. Radar, I need it. It proves I'm crazy.

‐ Major Freedman said so. ‐ It proves you're crazy 'cause you carry a teddy bear, huh?

Will you stop? I'm halfway home. How'd you like to get knocked all the way home?

Smell this. Will you, for crying out loud, stop making me smell your food?

I can't eat as it is! You know, you're completely deficient in imagination.

‐ You're completely deficient. ‐ Let's have it quiet in here.

Look what you're doin'! You're hurting him! I haven't done a thing!

Let's calm down.

Just give it a little try. Come on. No!

If anyone touched my nose, you did! Huh!

I wouldn't touch your nose with a ten‐foot pole!

Hello. Testing.

One, two, three.

Sidney, wait up.

I'm kind of glad you're here. These people are fallin' apart.

How long they been acting like that? Couple of weeks.

No rest. Nothin' but work.

This unit is running as smoothly as a pig on stilts.

It was a little quieter in that foxhole this morning.

Sidney, what would you say to seeing a few of the folk...

on an informal basis while you're here? Sure. Why not?

Use the V. I. P. tent. I'll discreetly direct a few of the loonier ones your way.

Just make sure they come in one at a time.

Listen, I'm no head doctor, but I think they need a little diversion.

You know, something to break the routine.

Some square dancing or some‐‐

Sure! Square dancing. That's the ticket!

They're kind of exhausted‐‐ Look, I'm their commanding officer.

If I say dance, they hoof.

Did you hear what I said?

Maybe you better save an hour for me.

Watch out, Major. We're gonna light a fire here. So stand back.

Will you hold on? I got another load to put on there.

So put it on. What do I care? I wanna go to dinner.

I haven't eaten since reveille. What's the fire for?

We're burning the Chinese uniforms. They're infested.

If we had to burn every louse in this camp, we'd have to burn this camp.

Look, I just wanna do my job and go and eat.

Am I stoppin' you? You keep passin' remarks back and forth.

Trouble with you is you're too sensitive!

Come in.

I hope I'm not disturbing you, Major.

Not at all. Nice to see you, Major.

Well, I'm here primarily as a favor to Colonel Potter.

Sure. What's up?

I have a problem... by the name of Charles Emerson Winchester.

Winchester is your problem?

‐ He's insane. ‐ Really?

He has no grasp of reality.

For instance, uh, just to give you an example‐‐

It's insignificant really.

He touched his nose in surgery and won't admit it!

Is that crazy, or is that crazy?

Classic. How often does he go for his nose?

The point is he denies it!

He's completely irrational!

How do I know what he'll try to touch next?

Ah‐hah.

What's that supposed to mean?

"Ah‐hah." I know an "Ah‐hah" when I hear one.

‐ You think I'm infatuated with him, don't you? ‐ Is that what I think?

Well, let me set your mind at ease, Major.

The only reason he goes for his nose is because it's the only living thing around here...

that would have him!

I don't know. He seems like a decent person.

Intelligent, a certain amount of wit.

And money. Let's not forget his money,

which he's constantly flaunting in front of us...

with his laundered hankies and his monogrammed caviar.

I suppose you think I find money attractive. I have no idea.

Money is far down on my list, Major.

Money comes second, maybe even third.

Second.

Anyway, the man is totally self‐absorbed!

What do you think of him?

Well, he seems basically normal.

‐ Uh‐huh. In other words you think he's crazy about me. ‐ I do?

Well, I just wouldn't be too sure about that if I were you.

Come in.

Uh, if you have any more pain, Major, just take some aspirin.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

I'll go now. I'm sure you have some sort of...

mental problem to discuss.

Now I ask you. Did I say anything to provoke that?

I tell you, Major, that woman is verging on a very serious breakdown.

If I had any confidence at all in psychiatry‐‐

I would recommend, uh, treatment.

Thank you.

Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?

Hardly.

I do not intend to be part of Colonel Potter's psychiatric cattle drive.

I just dropped by to say that I won't be dropping by.

Would dropping by make you uncomfortable?

No. Don't waste your clinical come‐on with me, Doctor.

I had my fill of psychiatrists at the age of nine.

And no, I don't care to talk about it.

Look, the point is...

she is the one who is obsessed.

She watches my every movement.

My body seems to be of intense interest to her.

Which I suppose you find, uh, very revealing, right?

Hmm. In other words, the woman's crazy about me. Huh?

Please, don't make me laugh.

I don't know whatever got into me.

Okay, let's light it.

Come on. Come on. What are you waitin' for?

You know, if we toss this crate on over there,

it could really be a nice little fire.

Yeah. Right. Nice.

Tom, you're gonna be fine.

You'll need a little more surgery down in Seoul, and some therapy, but you're gonna walk.

Well, I don't know if you guys take tips,

but my dad is the king of the hardware business in Cleveland.

You need a sink or anything, I can get you a dozen.

King of the hardware business. Maybe he can get us a throne. You name it.