Top Gear

Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably priced car.

I repeat, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably priced car.

Sorry, Stig, totally BLEEPing it up!

And she's brought Tom Cruise along!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome!

That is later.

That is later.

But now...

we start once again with a letter.

It's from some Swedish youths and it says, "Dear Top Gear,

"we are some Swedish youths,

"and we've been given the run of a whole ski resort

"for a weekend.

"Do you a race fancy having?"

Plainly this was a job for Richard Herring.

This is Riksgransen,

the world's northernmost ski resort.

120 miles INSIDE the Arctic Circle.

It's so far north that the ski season doesn't finish here until June,

when the rest of us are on the beach.

I'm here to defend the honour of the car against some extreme snowmobilers

who are so extreme they're... still in bed.

Still, meanwhile, let's meet the car I've chosen to take them on with.

It's the Volkswagen Touareg.

A big off-roader that for many years we've... absolutely hated.

We tested it when it first came out, seven years ago.

And we didn't like a lot of things about it.

The ride, the gearbox, the fact you couldn't see out of the back.

We didn't like the ridiculous thirst,

and we didn't like that some of the design felt like

they'd done the most un-German thing possible.

A half-arsed job.

But this is the brand new Touareg.

And already I can report many improvements.

You can, for instance, see out of the back.

The ride is much smoother.

The gearbox, the old one changed according to a geological timescale.

This new eight-speed affair

is a big improvement.

The Touareg also looks more Golf-like than the old one.

And besides the full off-road hardware,

standard kit includes sat-nav, electric leather seats,

climate control, and a ten-speaker stereo system.

But we've come here to race

so none of that is important right now.

What is important is that the new Touareg

weighs 200 kilograms less than the old one.

Which makes it altogether more sprightly.

This is a 3.5 litre V6 turbo diesel.

Cost, L37,000,

0 to 60 in 7.8 seconds,

so it's faster than the old one.

Top speed, 136 mph.

So you're better off there, too.

All in all, I think this is the machine to take the snowmobilers on

in our big race.

Which, as they're still in bed playing computer games,

will happen tomorrow.

So, race day.

And I'll confess, I went to bed last night

full of confidence.

And then, in the middle of the night, I sort of got cold feet about it.

So I got up, got dressed, came downstairs, and I made... this.

It's still a Touareg.

But one built to take on the infamous Dakar.

The toughest rally in the world.

With a carbon fibre body, bionic suspension,

and a twin-turbo, 300 horsepower, diesel engine,

it can do 130 mph over just about any terrain.

It's also the first diesel ever to win the Dakar.

Which is odd, given that I built it only last night.

But no matter, I think this is probably the better tool

to see off those snowmobilers,

who have finally emerged.

They are Daniel Bodin and Dan Lang.

Local snowmobile legends

whose racing skills have won them silver medals at the X-Games.

Best let them get it out of their system.

'Eventually the teenagers calm down long enough

'for me to explain the race route

'across the ski resort. '

Right, we're going to start from here.

Then we're going to move around here, sweep around there,

down there, then eventually we'll finish

with a sprint across the ice lake,

end up, finish line, at the ski shop.

So, that's 12 gruelling miles down ski slopes,

through forests, and across frozen water.

Yeah? Happy?

Yeah. Fine with that. OK. Good.

Um... where is here, exactly?

It's up there.

Oooh. Yeah!

ENGINES REV

All right. Fair enough.

Ooh, erm, I guess, 3... 2... 1... go?

Right, come on.

0 to 60 in this, about six seconds.

This thing has more torque than a Lamborghini Gallardo.

Have they got that? No!

'We plunged out of the clouds neck and neck. '

I have taken the precaution of fitting it with studded snow tyres.

Obviously I did that.

Come on! Find grip!

Blimey! Where have they...?

'The snowmobilers promptly vanished

'because whilst I had to stick to the ski runs,

'they didn't. '

Come on, you've crossed the desert, you can do this.

'As it turned out, the Dakar was as fast on snow

'as it would be on sand. '

Oh, yes! That worked!

I thank you!

'So when I hit the lower slopes,

'we were still neck and neck. '

'I then decided to take a short cut.

'Which went well. '

Oh! Oh!

This is going to cost me time!

Move, move, move!

'Despite my cock-up, I was just ahead as we entered the forest stage. '

Yee-hah-hah!

Keep up with that, then, boys!

'But the teenagers were able to whizz off between the trees. '

Come on! Where the hell are they?

'Which meant they had the lead as we reached the final part of the race,

'a six-mile dash across the frozen lake. '

Ooh, tree.

Come on, come on!

Yes, finally!

I've got the top speed of best part of 130 mph.

This is where I have the advantage.

'But up ahead, the snowmobilers could still hit 90 mph.

'So I'd have to give it everything to close the gap. '

This is where the race is won or lost.

This thing's got some grip!

I'm just floating over this stuff.

'With less than four miles to go

'the snowmobilers were still ahead. '

Where are they?!

'But then, joy of joys, the snow on the ice started to thin out. '

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Their machines will have problems on this

because the belts themselves overheat

running on straight ice, so they can't give it everything.

'And sure enough, they started slowing down. '

I'm going to catch them!

That's them! That's them! Oh, yes!

Oh, yes! What do you think of that? Yee-hah-hah-hah!

'The snow on the lake thickened again,

'and the snowmobilers were back in the game.

'But now the Touareg had the edge. '

That, I think, is the finish line. That's it!

This thing has conquered sand and desert,

now it's conquered snow, mountains and frozen lakes.

I'm going to win!

Yes! Yes!

Ha-ha!

I did it! It's won through!

What a machine!

You've got to be...!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I could've done that. I could've done that.

What?!

Did you... did you win that?

Yes. Yes, I did. I'll admit they did finish with a bit more of a...

flourish, thing, there,

but I won.

I'm not really interested in whether you won or not,

I'm interested in that bit where they said that their tracks,

on their snowmobiles, got hot,

cos they were running on ice.

Yes. And they told you that? Yeah, it's the friction.

Ice generates a lot of friction,

so they heat up.

If you slide over ice in your clothes,

they'll actually burn off you.

Do they also tell you things like, Jimi Hendrix was in Abba?

No! It's... Did theysay that a Volvo 244

holds the lap record at the Nurburgring?

No, stop, it's true, and you know full well it is. Let's do the news.

No. What I'm going to do is put a piece of ice down the front

of your trousers, to see if it sets fire to your gentleman's sausage.

No! I'm not saying ice is hot, just, it can create a lot of friction!

This is science, and you don't understand that.

So leave it, it's true. OK? Yes. Yeah.

Anyway, let's do the news.

Oh, now, hey. This is an important piece of news.

A lot of people imagine the most dangerous time of year to drive

is... November, or perhaps February,

dark nights, fog, ice.

But we were talking about this and we think THE most dangerous time

to drive a car, is roundabout now.

Sunny skies, light breezes, girls wearing short skirts.

Dangerous. Very dangerous.

Cos the thing is, you can't notlook. No. You actually can't.

You can't physically not look. You have no choice.

There are other things you can choose not to do.

It's easy not to use your mobile while driving, easy not to drive after 18 pints of lager,