The Happytime Murders

X We're gonna have, we're gonna have

The City of Angels.

A dirty sun-drenched beauty contest

at the edge of the Pacific.

It's a melting pot of people who live together in harmony

no matter what color or creed.

Why do those people get along so great?

Because there's one thing they have in common

that lets them put aside their differences

and celebrate together.

Taxi! Hey, taxi.

The fact that they're not puppets.

-(SCOFFS) 'HEM hey! What?

- Stupid puppet. - Hey, you can't...

You can't... You can't do that!

Fuck you!

Son of a dick.

'Cause although it ain't a crime

to be warm and fuzzy, it might as well be.

Hey, so does this massage include a happy ending or not?

'Cause if you're a puppet, you're screwed.

-(DOGS BARKING) - Easy!

There's no squeaky thing inside us!

Okay.

Who am I? The name's Phil Philips.

I'm a PI, and my home is on the streets,

looking out for the felt

because sure as shit no one else is.

And that's my office there.

It's a shithole on the edge of Chinatown.

Oh, hiya, fellas, fancy a dance?

No, you stupid puppet.

- Perhaps a song? - Let's take his eye.

What? No, no, fellas, cut it out!

You give that back right now!

Hey, hey. Give him his eye back.

It's too early for this crap.

What are you gonna do about it, you fluffy blue sock?

"Huh! - Owl

- You little bastards. - Let's go, guys!

Now get out of here. Get out of here, all of you.

Look, times have changed.

You don't have to sing and dance for the man anymore.

Of course I don't have to. I want to!

Hiya, folks!

Spare a penny? My wife's dead.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PHONE) Uh-huh.

Well, I will happily relay your message.

Thank you.

Hey, Mr. P.

Oh, hey there, Bubbles.

How are you, dear? Here's your Zuggler bar.

Oh, Mr. P, you're gonna give me a very fat butt.

Oh, come on, stop it. Any calls?

Uh,yeah, Detective Edwards called.

She wants you to call her back right away.

Did you tell her that I was in Minnesota attending a funeral

because my Aunt Ruby tragically died

in a Zamboni incident?

- Of course. - Yeah? What'd she say?

She said, "I'd like to sew your asshole shut

"and just keep feeding you,

"and feeding you, and feeding you."

Well, that's a new one.

Yup.

I guess she heard about those guys already.

Yeah. How'd that go this morning?

Good. For puppet poachers, they were real sweethearts.

100% pure puppet-

Straight from Tijuana.

Guaranteed to bring you goodluck.

Don't you know that poaching puppets

for their feet is illegal?

-(PHIL YELLS) -(GROANS)

Oh! Oh! Ugh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, holy crap, I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS)

So, yeah, I think it went very well.

Oh, we have a new client.

I put her in your office.

Detective Philips?

I... I used to be.

Not anymore, I'm a Pl now.

How can I help you, Miss...?

White, Sandra White.

I received this in the mail today.

"Pay US $350,000 by Saturday

"or we reveal your secret."

Hmm. What's your secret?

Well, despite my bookish appearance,

I'm a sexual I'mma.

What's that?

It means, "if I'mma get next to it, I'mma gonna fuck it."

- Come again? - Exactly.

And again, and again, and again...

Mmm. I see.

If my proclivities were to be exposed,

it would be devastating to my family.

Please, if you could help me,

I would be...so grateful.

Uh, I appreciate grateful,

but it's $300 a day, plus expenses.

Hmm.

This ought to start you off.

Thank you, Mr. Philips.

I should've turned her down,

but I like a little cushion for my cushion.

And I needed the money.

I've seen that "P" before.

The case was on,

so I headed downtown to see a friend.

Actually, not really a friend,

more of a disgusting acquaintance.

Vinny.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Hey, Vin, it's Phil.

Vinny?

Oh!

- Phil, wow! Hi. - Hey, Vi...

Sweet mother of God,

what the fuck are you doing back there?

Oh, yeah, 'R's Cows Gone Sour 2 - Even Milkier.

- Whoa, that's good. -(MOANING) Moo!

What the fuck?

Yeah, the internet's killing me,

so I'm creating my own content.

- Oh! -(MOANING LOUDER)

Jesus Christ. Shut the curtains, would you?

All right, if it bothers you.

When did you get so squeamish?

When did I get squeamish? I'm not squeamish.

- I'm not squeamish. - Yeah, you are.

I just don't wanna watch

an eight-arm reach-around, all right?

Okay.

Uh, listen, do you have the latest issue

oi P uPDet Pussy Party? 'Hmm'?

Puppet Pussy Party.

Yeah, I saw that... We got one just in. Let's see.

- Oh, great. - Felt Fetish Furburger.

Ass Puppet Jamboree.

Puppet Chicks With Puppet Dicks.

Ah!

Here we go, Puppet Pussy Party.

Yeah.

That's right.

- Bingo. Hmm?

Looks like this mystery

is brought to you by the letter "P".

Oh, Phil, if you like pee, I have a whole rack of--

No. Excuse me, I don't... No, I don't like pee.

- Vinny, I don't like pee. - Oh.

I'm on a case.

Oh.

Listen, um, do you keep a record

of which customers bought what magazines?

Yeah, of course, Phil. We're fully NSA compliant.

Do you think I could see those?

Absolutely. Um, it's in the office behind the theater.

Thanks, Vin. You know I appreciate it, huh?

You're welcome.

- Oh! - I apologize...

Cheesy, creasy, so... (GASPS)

- Bumbly? -(BABBLES)

No Bumbly here.

No, it's Phil Philips, Larry's brother. You remember me.

No, I don't, I'm your average puppet,

minding his own business.

All right, well...

Whatever floats your boat, pal.

Here's your Chicks With Big Asses.

Uh, that's not mine.

I'm a businessman, going to do my business.

And I certainly don't have a crippling addiction to porn.

-(CHUCKLES) That's not yours? - No!

Hey, you forgot your carrot.

Not mine. -(CHUCKLES)

Fucking rabbits.

Does that hurt? -(MOANING)

Yes, you came here for pleasure!

But I will only give you pain!

-(WHIPPING) -(GROANING)

- Oh, you like that? - Uh-huh.

- Bark for me, bitch! Bark! -(MUFFLED BARKING)

-(GROANS) - Jesus Christ.

You are my slave.

I will make you do all sorts of things for me.

- Pick up my laundry. -(CONTINUES GROANING)

- Here we go. - Do my dishes.

Walk my dog.

I will pee on you like you're a hydrant.

- Do you want that? - Uh-huh.

Freaky-deaky.

You are a disgusting fireman. (GRUNTS)

-(WHIPPING) - Where is your dirty hose?

Where is your filthy hose?

Okay, uh, take it easy. We're...

- I'm just gonna... -(GASPS)

We're having a sale today, which is that

you can have anything you want.