Superstore

No, no. It makes no sense

for you to run the meeting

when the former manager is here.

I can do this from muscle memory.

What are you talking about?

Your body has literally no muscle.

- Now give me the clipboard. - No.

- Give it to me! - No.

- Glenn, come on. - I will not.

- I order you to give to me. - You order me?

- Yes, I do... - Sorry.

- Sorry I'm late. - I don't take orders from you!

Um, no problem.

Just was running the meeting for you...

We covered a lot of ground.

Parker's day care closed at the last minute.

- Some kid had lice. - Logan. Surprise, surprise.

So now Parker is here. With his wet face, great.

Well, I mean, I didn't know what else to do.

My parents are out of town, and Eric's working,

and Adam's at a convention learning how to do beekeeping.

Oh, if he wants bees, I still got a ton in my car.

Okay, so, uh, St. Patrick's Day. Right.

Today we have a new "Follow the Rainbow to Savings" initiative.

Customers will follow the clouds with rainbows

to find coupons.

Oh, my God, he's so cute. My ovaries are exploding.

It's like, scrambled eggs, anyone?

- Oh, gross. - Disgusting.

So Sarah, can you stock the...

Is it okay to hold him like that?

He seems uncomfortable.

No, he's totally fine.

And this is a very standard way to hold a child.

Maybe he's afraid of heights. Put him on the floor.

You guys, he's good. I promise.

Okay, Cheyenne, Sandra, you're serving

our St. Patrick's Day specialty snacks...

Amy, sorry to interrupt,

but I think some pooping is happening your way.

Yeah, I know. I'll change him soon.

Oh, okay.

We're just supposed to ignore the human feces in the room.

She wants him to sit in it. Teach him a lesson.

No, I'm just trying to get through this.

All right, all right. Come here, little buddy.

- I got you. - Oh, my God.

Jonah's holding Amy's baby like it's his baby.

I live with him, Sandra. I hold him every day.

I'm literally screaming right now.

Like, I get the concept of babies.

I'm not even saying don't have babies.

Like, have babies.

But do I have to see the babies?

Mateo, could you give me a hand?

It's a dating thing, and you're the only person here

in a functional relationship.

Justine, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Just because you send money to a man in Ghana

does not make him your boyfriend.

Relationship status...

"it's complicated."

- It's really not. - Yeah, I'll help.

Anything to keep looking busy.

Otherwise Amy's gonna ask me to walk her baby or whatever.

- So you're dating someone? - Yup.

Dr. Brian Patterson. It's been a couple weeks.

I just... I really think this could be something.

Not the normal cold, anonymous sex I'm used to.

No offense, Garrett.

Ah, well, we were literally wearing name tags,

but generally speaking, yes.

So it's his birthday,

and I wanna give him a picture of the two of us together,

but we haven't really had any taken yet,

so I thought maybe you could Photoshop something.

I have his picture.

Did you steal his license?

Uh, yeah, you can't ask to borrow someone's license.

They'll think you're a freak.

I can whip something up.

He's cute. Ooh, 6'1".

Mm-hmm, and his proportions are a dream.

Nipples exactly where you want 'em.

Mm.

Can you turn that for Mama?

Just in case this isn't what you wanted to do

for the next 10 minutes, you want me to take him?

Yes, that would be great. Thank you... just be careful.

All he wants to do is open your eyelid

and scream into it right now.

Uh, never mind. Go... go deal with that.

Oh, sir. Sir, it's just the coupons.

We didn't hide anything in the products.

Oh, yeah? Then what's this?

- The prizes are in the cereal! - No, it's...

No, that's just... have you not had cereal before?

The glitter was my idea.

Makes it look more magical, right?

Is that edible glitter?

I mean, technically all glitter is edible.

It's really small.

Oh, okay.

Hey, wasn't Jonah cute holding Parker?

I guess.

I just meant he looked like a really good dad.

- Oh. - Oh, my God.

Wouldn't it be crazy if Jonah actually was Parker's dad?

Yeah, that'd be wild.

But Amy was already pregnant when she and Jonah had sex.

Unless she just thought she was pregnant.

It could've been a false positive.

Oh, yeah.

There was this girl in my class who thought she was pregnant,

and then she went away for a few months.

And when she came back,

it turned out that her mom had a miracle baby,

like, way late in life.

Uh-huh.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, shoppers.

Corned beef and cabbage are 20% off.

If you're dying to impress your friends with wet meat,

now's the time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... hold on. What is this?

It's for Brian. Mateo nailed it.

Don't you think that this is a little... big

for a first birthday together?

Well, it needs to be big in order to secure the balloons.

16, one for every day we've known each other.

Or maybe since you just started dating,

you could go with something like, and I'm being crazy here,

but something like a card?

A card?

He's not in the hospital, Garrett.

Yeah, thanks a lot. I...

I know what's happening.

He's trying to give me bad advice

because he wants to sabotage my relationship with Brian.

You still want me. You poor bastard.

No, I just think that this is a lot

for any human man to take.

Oh, Garrett, let it go. It's over, okay?

There are women on the internet.

Dozens of them.

Hey, Amy.

I saw you were having a little bit of trouble,

so I thought it might help

if Jerusha came in to watch Parker.

Oh, my God. That would be amazing.

- Thank you so much. - It's really no problem.

We were just picking up some T-shirts at Cracker Barrel.

But we're happy to have a little playdate with this guy.

- Yes, that's so fun. - Yeah.

You go back to being big boss lady.

Full-time mom is on the case.

Well, yeah, I mean, I am also a full-time mom.

Yeah, but Jerusha's a super mom.

Saving babies in need.

Well, I mean, "saving" is a little strong.

And "in need," but... but thank you.

And now other super mom is gonna go check the inventory!

Okay. Bye, Parker.

What was that?

I don't know what she was doing.

Look at her grip that block. Confidence of a gladiator.

It's impressive my amniotic fluid

managed to offset all that Sturgis DNA.

Well, you watch her pinken in the sun

and tell me that she's not full Sturgis.

Okay, um, here is Parker's diaper bag.

There are some fruit squeezies there if he gets hungry.

Oh, that's okay.

I can just give him some of Rose's fruit mash.

It's homemade.

Jerusha makes all of Rose's food.

She's never even tasted sugar.

Rose, I mean. Jerusha's tasted sugar.

Don't care for it. I'm a baking soda gal.

Well, I mean, they are organic.

There's, like, four ingredients, so...

I make mine with a very special ingredient.

Do you know what that ingredient is?

- I think I can guess. - Is it palm oil?

Because it's destroying our rain forests.

It's love. Isn't that cute?

So cute, yeah.

Um, so anyway, thanks again, Jerusha.

- Lifesaver. - My pleasure.

You know, it might be nice for Parker to get some

one-on-one attention instead of being lost in the crowd

- at day care. - Yeah.

Oh, well, I mean, there's, like, seven kids there.

It's a really good ratio.

Yeah, but her ratio's one-to-one.

So that's seven times better. That's just math.

Well, Parker loves day care.

He loves it so much that sometimes I come to pick him up

to take him home, and he starts crying.

Ooh.

Not because he doesn't want to go home.