Jordan Jensen: Take Me With You

First of all, when I get broken up with, my response is like,

"Yeah, get out of here."

"What were you doing here to begin with, buddy?"

"Run for your life. Take me with you. I don't wanna be here."

New York City, make some noise for Jordan Jensen!

I'm… I'm having an underwear issue.

I… I bought…

I'm trying to be less disgusting, so I bought all these, like…

You know the underwear for women?

It's just underwear for women.

I bought that.

But they've… they've…

They're gaslighting us on our pussy part, no?

It's getting smaller by the day.

-Isn't it? -Yeah!

It used to be big, like a fat ACE bandage, and now it's… it's little.

And then you put it on, and you have to… you… you have to favor a labe all day?

You… You gotta split custody. You ever do that?

Where you're like, "You get it for five more minutes,

but then you better share with your brother."

"Yo, you gotta share, I said."

"Fair is fair."

What do women do that have had kids who've… You know?

The fact that women rip during childbirth is a Jackass sketch.

The fact that your whole life, your body's like, "Have a baby, whore."

Then you finally do, and it's like,

"Let's make the baby's head bigger than their pussy."

"My name's Johnny Knoxville. This is the cunt tear."

That's fucked up. Illegal.

What do men have that's bad? What do you have that's…

You know what men have that I wouldn't trade for anything?

When you guys cum, your feet look really stupid.

When a guy's like, "Do you wanna do reverse cowgirl?"

you're like, "Do you wanna do that?"

"Sure."

You're about to cum, and your toes go, "Spread out, boys."

You guys should feel insecure about that.

I might have a dick in my mouth,

but while I do, your feet look dumb as hell.

These underwear suck.

It's 'cause I… I'm trying to be… trying to be a little bit more feminine.

I'm trying to be… I pitched this hour to a different streaming platform,

and they were like, "We love you."

"We just want you to either be gay or more feminine."

And I was like, "Yeah, me too."

"Yes. Sign me up."

I wanna be hot. All my friends are getting hotter.

One of my friends is so hot that she can make demands of men.

Do you know about these?

She's so hot that she can demand things. It's called-- She calls…

It's boundaries, is what she calls it. She sets boundaries.

Amazing word.

She goes… She goes, "I set a boundary with my boyfriend."

She goes, "I told him that he has to text me

every night before bed, 'Good night, I love you,' or it's over."

I was like, "What'd he say?" She goes, "Now he texts me every night,

'Good night, I love you,' and now everything's… …great."

And I was like, "Nice."

If I said that to any man I've ever dated, they would be like,

"Perfect, I was on the fence anyway. Get the fuck out of here, bitch."

I'm not setting ultimatums, okay?

Me in a relationship is not me being like, "You gotta do this."

Me in a relationship is me going, "No, I'm not gay, watch."

"No, I love doing this."

"I'm really enjoying it."

"I like being here."

That's also probably why I'm insecure is because everybody thinks I'm a lesbian.

It's very annoying.

I'm not gonna fucking date a woman because I have three lesbian moms and a dead dad.

I'm not trying to replace Mommy. I'm trying to replace Daddy.

And when I'm with a woman, I'm the daddy, and I don't wanna be daddy.

As soon… Have you…

Anytime I have sex with a woman, they're locked in forever, right?

They're like, we're… we're one. We're a snake eating its own tail.

My hand is in there. I can't back it out, dude.

I'm like, "Whoa, what is that?"

They're like, "That's my heart. You can keep it."

No! I don't want that.

I went and got waxed to try and be more feminine.

I'll get waxed. That'll make me less dykey.

'Cause everything I do, everybody goes, "You're a big dyke."

I wore a watch the other day, nine strangers, "Dyke."

I was like, "I have to know the time."

"I have to know what time it is."

What am I supposed to have on my… a… a little tattoo of a penis, and I go,

"Oh, it's cock o'clock"?

"Oh, good, I know what time it is now. It's cock o'clock."

And then I went in to get waxed… I'll tell ya.

I went in to get waxed. I go in.

First of all, the reason why I went in

is because when we shave, we are traumatizing ourselves

in the shower because of the position we have to get into. Okay?

Men, you think we're in there like this. You think we're like this.

I'm just a girl in the world Doing things that I do

No.

Not like that. Not like that.

It's not one foot up.

It's two feet flat, ten-hut.

It's bad, dude.

I have to do… My ass… My ass… Brutal, dude.

And then you have to squinch over.

You get these rolls, these belly rolls, and the water goes over the rolls,

making it look like a Frank Lloyd Wright house.

You know what I mean?

You're like, "Oh, good, I've made an architectural… …anomaly."

And then you get the tits. That's the worst.

'Cause you have to roll the shoulders to get under.

So you roll the shoulders. We get those fucking long boys.

Oh, Foghorn Longhorn.

Why do they get so… Why are they drippy, drippy sandcastles?

Why do they look like lava lamps?

Why do they look like they're gonna drip off my body?

They're like paddles.

It looks like if you got them going,

they would clack for eternity like Newton's cradle.

And the-- I hate this too.

You have to pull this back.

To get the good shave, you gotta pull this back

like you're fucking putting eye drops into a shaggy dog's eyeball.

"Look up at me. Look up at me. I'm helping you is why."

So I went… I went in, and I got waxed.

I hate when comics tell a joke,

and while people are laughing, they take a sip.

It makes… It's very self-aggrandizing to me.

Like while you guys are laughing, they're like, "Yeah."

But I went in, and I got waxed.

I… Here's the deal. I went in, and she--

First of all, she said, "Take your pants and underwear off."

And then she did not leave the room.

I was like, "Are you gonna stay?"

-She's like, "Do you want me to leave?" -I was like… "No."

And then I… Here's the deal. I took my pants off.

It was underwear time, okay?

We don't know what's on our underwear at any given time of day.

We don't know what level of discharge.

You guys thought I was gonna say the word.

It's discharge. It's fucking disgusting.

Don't cheer for it. It's the gross-- That's also why I don't date women, okay?

I'm not-- It's disgusting.

If a guy goes down on me,

and his face is wet… …I go…

You better wipe quick. You better come up and wipe quick.

Sometimes I get homophobic. They'll come up, and I'm like, "Yo, what?"

"Were you sucking a dick down there now? Shit."

They're like, "I was going down on your female genitalia."

I'm like, "Eh, you were sucking a cock."

So she was like… You know, she was like, "Take your underwear off."

And you know, some days you take it off,

there's nothing on there, and you go, "Oh."

"I should have… nine boyfriends, okay?"

Other days, you take it off, and you're like, "I…"

"I have to go right to jail."

So what I did was, I took it, I… I did it, I…

Here's what… I gonna tell you what I did.

She's standing there, dude. She's standing there.

So what I do is, I grabbed…

I grabbed the pussy part…

I grabbed the pussy part, and then I… And then I kinda wiped with it.

I did. I kinda wiped with it.

And then, she's like watching.

And then I start pulling it down like this.

-And she's like, "Are you okay?" -And I was like, "Yeah, totally."

This is how I take my underwear off. You don't do that?

I take it off like that, and then I throw it right in the trash.

Weird if you don't.

It's actually weird if you don't do that.

So then, the waxing lady goes, "Do you want me to remove everything?"

And I… I'm afraid of bald vaginas, not in like a philosophical sense,

but in like a literal… …sense.

They just frighten me, dude. Like, when one of my friends is like changing

or peeing or something and she pulls her underwear down,

and there's a bald vagina,

it looks like…

It looks like, um…

It looks like if…

It looks like a betrayal.

It looks like if you walked up behind somebody that you thought you knew…

and you're like, "Oh, it's Jason, look." And you saw him from the back,

you're like, "100% Jason," and you spun him around,

and then his face just had no facial features.

Right?

It looks like Neo's mouth in the Matrix when he's like, "Mm, mm, mm, mm."

I don't like that.

She was like, "Okay, well, what do you want then?"

And I was like, "I would just like a, um…"

"Uh, like…" What I should have said is a bikini wax.

That's what I wanted. Just that… My shit… with no beard, right?

So I was like, "Oh, I'll take…"

I was like, "I just want the, um, triangle."

She was like, "Triangle, no problem." I was like, "Thank you so much."

She was like, "I love you." I was like, "I love you too." And then I laid down…

and it all happened very fast.

Um, it didn't hurt very much because I guess I asked her…

She said women have three times higher of a pain tolerance than men.

Did you guys know that?

Isn't that crazy?

Men don't get their balls waxed often, but women do it all the time.

I asked her about that.

I asked a massage… I got a massage, and I was like, "Is that true?"

"Women have a higher pain tolerance?" And she goes,