LA to Vegas

Do the new uniforms feel weird to you?

I am so itchy.

My body is actively rejecting this uniform.

This job ruins everything. My skin. My dating life.

Would you like to vent about your dating life?

Yes. You remember Bryan,

the cute chef that I met?

Well, we still haven't found time

to have our first date.

I was supposed to see him last night,

but then we got delayed in Reno.

Oh, honey. If your plans hinge on Reno,

there's something wrong with your plans.

No, the problem is when you spend

60 hours a week in the sky, it is impossible

to have a normal relationship with a regular person.

Can't have relationships with airline people, either.

- Hot dammit. - What happened to you?

Love happened to me.

It happened to me hard,

and not in the good way.

Gwen left me for another man.

Oh, no. Who's Gwen?

She was the air traffic controller I fell for.

She left me for a limo driver named Rod.

He probably used a line on her like,

"My car's not the only thing longer than average."

- God, that's a good line. - I get it, Dave.

Love is the worst.

The absolute worst.

It's like, "Why even try?"

The universe is a cold bastard.

Sounds hard.

I deal with systemic racism every day.

Least you're getting laid.

Damn right, I am.

Jackpot Airlines.

Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

Is it me, or is the gate more crowded than usual?

Well, there's a big MMA fight tonight.

- Ah. - McKnickerson-Kang II.

It's a rematch. The Irish Volcano

versus the Emerald of Samoa.

This is huge betting weekend for me.

Well, it is a lot of men.

It must be a good weekend for you, too.

No, fight nights are usually dead at the club,

so we have our intramural softball game.

It's a makeup against Momshells. They canceled last week

- due to custody hearings. - Yeah.

Hope they're ready to lose two weeks in a row.

Dear God.

I'm in charge of snacks.

Stop... fighting... back.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

I'm a little busy here.

I just need to know where to put this.

Oh, come on, dude. Bryan.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought since we can't

schedule a date in the world,

I'd bring a date here.

Oh, you brought a date?

That seems cruel, but fine.

She's getting a middle seat.

Bad phrasing.

I meant we could have a date at your work.

I bought tickets to fly back and forth all weekend,

which you'll either find charming

or use as grounds for a restraining order.

Well, lucky for you, I can't afford a lawyer,

so I have to find it charming.

But really...

I don't know what to say.

I mean, this is, like, the sweetest thing

- anyone's ever done for me. - Miss?

Can I borrow your shoes to go to the bathroom?

I have to go explain society to someone,

but I will be back.

Well, uh, you know, take your time.

I'll have a-a whole date waiting for you when you're ready.

You're gonna have to handle the comms today, Alan.

I don't think I can bear to hear Gwen's voice.

Oh, Gwen's not working this week.

She told me she was going on vacation

with some guy named Rod.

Said he's taking her to Poundtown?

If she says it's nice,

I might take myself to Poundtown.

Oh! Excuse me...

That is unexpected reveal.

You bought him his own seat?

Yeah. He gets real whiny

when I try putting him under the plane.

Yeah, still better

than sitting next to chatty Canadian.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

I think you might have taken my seat.

Nope. Don't think so.

Okay, well, th-that is my seat,

because that's my NPR tote bag, and that's my-my book.

- Oh, this book? - Yes. It's-it's actually

a gripping tome on some of the nicer points...

Oh, my God!

Wow. Well, now you have a problem with me

and with the Pasadena Public Library.

But no matter. I will find another seat.

Hmm.

So sorry to keep you waiting. I'm all yours now.

Well, I hope you brought your passport,

because our date begins by you getting whisked away

to Argentina circa 2012.

Now, you can't bring in a whole bottle of Malbec,

but you can smuggle it in three ounces at a time.

Ronnie, we have a problem.

Oh, I'm in Argentina right now, Colin.

Oh, look, it's the restaurant guy

from the restaurant.

What's all this, then?

Just a little makeshift plane date.

'Cause who doesn't love a shampoo-y finish

under a buttery Chard?

Is there a problem, Colin?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Um, that guy over there took my seat.

Okay, well, just find another one.

Well, that's the problem.

There aren't any.

Oh, God.

Don't tell me we're...

- Overbooked? - By four people.

I talked to the gate agents, who blamed ticketing.

Then I talked to ticketing, who blamed the Web site.

Then I talked to the Web guys, who hacked my Twitter.

I blame the gate agents.

They love calling names off the standby list

and watching the world burn.

It's ironic, isn't it?

The plane is overbooked,

yet the seat in my heart remains vacant.

Don't tell the gate agents

because they'll stuff two people in there.

Well, I guess we have to deal with this now.

All right, everyone.

Like a '90s rap video,

this plane's got too many butts.

So four lucky people

willing to take a later flight

will receive $100.

Ooh!

Okay, two hundred...

and fifty...

five dollars.

Come on, guys.

The average round-trip ticket on Jackpot costs, like, $12.

With that money, you could buy yourself, like...

How many flights will that buy?

If I could do that math, do you think I'd have this job?

We're holding out for big money.

Big money? This is Jackpot.

They buy refurbished seats from plane crashes.

This is all we're authorized to give.

Please, someone take this deal,

because it only gets worse from here.

All right. I'm sorry, everyone, but Jackpot protocol

says until four of you take the offer,

there's no food, no drinks

and no bathrooms.

Now you understand why I oohed

when she offered the money.

- Hey, I'll give you five bucks for the... - Ew, no.

No, for the water.

I'm dying here, and they won't give us anything.

- I'll sell it to you for $20. - Deal.

Just wondering, what made you say, "Ew, no,"

and, uh, how much for that?

Uh-uh.

Okay, I'm ready for more date.

Don't you have to focus on getting

four people off this plane?

Nah, someone's gonna crack.

In the meantime, we've had shampoo.

- What's for conditioner? - Well,

I'm glad you asked.

Is that supposed to be sushi?

May I present to you freshly caught Swedish Fish

on Rice Krispy Treats.

I call it the Hudson News Roll.

I know how much you like crap.

I love crap.

Ronnie, report to the cockpit.

Aw, crap. I'll be right back.

Hey, Dave, we are totally on top of this overbooked thing.

I'm sure people are gonna start dropping soon.

I'm actually not sure why they haven't yet.

Cheez-Its are $10. Waters are $20.

I do not make change.

I don't care about that. I called you in to talk

about how love is the worst