Weekend at Bernie's

Oh, God.

How are you, Richard? Hot enough for you?

Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

You dummy, why don't you watch where you are going?

Does this look like 10:00, or like 10:30?

- Morning, Richard! - Good morning.

- You are a half hour late. - Only a half hour?

I am usually 45 minutes late. I am early today.

I see.

- Are you going to join me today or what? - Coming.

Give me your money and your wallets.

Get your ass out of here. It is too hot.

Color me old-fashioned, Rich, but I just love the park on a Sunday.

I would love it more if we didn't have to work today. Come on, let's go.

Let me open that for you, all right?

Hot enough for you, Larry?

No, Harris, why don't you turn up the heat?

Okay. I'll tell the engineer.

Cheap bastards. Turn off the air conditioning on the weekends.

- Let's go to the beach. - No.

- We are going to be here our whole lives. - Yeah, I am afraid so.

- I am going to the beach! - Give me those papers.

- The papers are going to the beach. - We aren't going.

You want these? You're coming to the beach.

- I guess we are going to the beach. - Wilson at the line.

That was beautiful. Replay.

Give me those papers!

- You think it's safe to go in the water? - No, better not.

- You just ate. You might get cramps. - I'll risk it.

We'll get back to you with more tunes, but first we'll hear...

the latest from Weather Central.

- What is happening out there, buddy? - Sizzle, sizzle...

as the Big Apple becomes the Baked Apple.

You better believe that these are...

Oh, Christ. Will you shut that thing off?

... continues before Labor Day weekend.

It is going to be the four "H's": hot, humid, hazy, and horrible.

This sucks. I am so unhappy.

- We should be at a real beach. - There are no more real beaches.

I mean we could go to Jones Beach and float around in the hospital waste.

Then again Coney Island is always real nice.

We could go there and watch the fish disintegrate in front of our eyes.

Wait a minute. Wait a goddamn... Hold the phone, buddy! I got it!

I got the $2 million. Where are your pages?

Get your pages.

Oh, my God! You are not going to believe what you see!

- Okay. - Turn to Page 28.

Right after 27.

- Got it. - All right? You got it?

I want you to turn to Page 41 now.

- I got it. - Check out line 18.

- Okay? - Yeah.

- You see it? - I see it.

What about it?

You are such a stupid piece of rat shit.

Hot!

- Watch your step! - I am being barbecued here!

All right. Okay. All right, buddy I am going to explain it to you real slow.

- Good. - Okay.

There's more than one check issued on the same life insurance policy claim.

One in December of '87, another in April of '88, and two more in June.

- Making any sense? - Yeah, he died four times.

Yes. According to this, he died four times.

So somebody screwed up. It wasn't us. Was it?

No. It wasn't us.

Don't you see? We just uncovered a $2 million error.

We're going to be heroes. We're going up the corporate ladder.

- This is good for me. - Yes, this is good for you.

- It's good for me, too. - I'll tell Lomax first thing in the morning.

- What page is it? - No, Larry. Let me tell him.

- We'll both tell him. - Okay. Great!

There is what's- her-name.

Stop staring at her.

You've not shut up about her for two months.

- Ask her out already, will you? - No. I don't know what to say.

She's a summer intern. She'll be gone in a week.

No, I've no idea what to say.

- Say "Hi, I want to go out with you." - I can't say that.

Why not?

Because there are too many people around.

It's New York City. There are always too many people.

Excuse me, miss.

Oh, shit.

Good weekend, Bob?

- You going to say something? - Shut up.

- You are blowing it. - Shut...

Please, shut up, all right?

Thank you.

Okay.

Try witty.

Say, "You know what would look good on you?"

- "Me." Huh? - Oh, please.

- Richard, that is a very good line. - Enough, look...

- if I wanted to talk to her, I'll talk to her. - Talk to her.

- Would you talk to her? - Would you stop?

- You want me to talk to her? - Yes.

Okay. Shut up.

Excuse me.

My aunt is very sick.

What?

Nothing.

I don't believe this, she's...

Now, don't flagellate yourself over this, Richard.

It was a very good effort. You'll get her next time.

Why did I just say that? Larry, I don't even have an aunt.

So what?

Anything going on?

There are these messages.

And you are late for the creative sales meeting, Mr. Lomax.

- Excuse us, Mr. Lomax. - Let me get that, sir.

Sammy. Hank. How are you?

Richard Parker, sir.

- Larry Wilson. - Whatever.

There's nothing from a Doreena, a Martha, Judy?

- No. - Well, that's their tough luck.

- Excuse us, Mr. Lomax. - What?

There's something we would like to show you.

Wait. It's Monday morning. After lunch, right?

Quite a bit after lunch.

Shoo.

Yeah, I got it, François.

That's $2.

Rich.

Look at Lomax.

God.

My God. Look at her.

My God.

Jesus. That guy.

Beautiful apartment. House at the beach.

Babes. A boat. A car.

Do you know how much it costs to park a car in Manhattan every month?

- More than my rent. - I mean, it's only fair.

His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.

So my apartment is small. It's dark.

It's hot. It's in a high-crime area. Beats living with Mom and Dad.

All right. Enough. It's just until I can afford something decent.

Something without wall-to-wall cockroaches.

All I have to do is just keep setting my goals and working hard...

- I'll be fine. - You are so naive.

- I'm sorry. - Excuse me.

Go ahead. Oh, God.

I hope your aunt feels better.

- What? - I said...

She said, "I hope your aunt feels better."

My aunt? The sick aunt. Yes, she is fine.

They thought it was...

Either get on the elevator or get off.

I'll be back.

And I lose again.

I won. I have a date.

- You are kidding. - No.

Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00 p.m., dinner.

- Fabulous. - It was the clumsy approach. It worked.

You are going to want to borrow my apartment.

No, but thank you. That's sweet.

But I can't do that to you. Thank you.

If she finds out you live with your folks, you will embarrass yourself.

Yeah, I know, but I can't do that to you.

It is the cockroaches, isn't it?

- Well... - They scatter when the lights go on.

Mr. Parker, Mr. Lomax will see you now.

I feel lucky.

No, I only want the Maserati if it comes in that jet black.

Look, if you can't do it for me...

I'll just have to take my business to another dealer.

Yeah.

So paint it! I mean how hard can this whole thing be?

Right.

All right. See, that's better.

See how easy it is to do business with me?

No trade. Strictly cash.

Right.

All right. Good.

Gentlemen, what have you got for me?

As you may or may not know, Mr. Lomax...

Larry and I have been, I mean, working.

- Where is he going? - I don't know.

What are we supposed to do?

Bet that thing moves, huh? Jesus.

- Put that back. - It's a beautiful boat.

You gentlemen were saying...

Yes, well.

As you might have heard...

Larry and I have been reprogramming the accounts on the new computer system.

- Right. - Thanks.

Sir, it's a very big job.

A big job. We have been working hard.

A very big job.

I've been at it for quite some time. Weekends also.

- Weekends, late, and... - Why don't you show him?

Thank you.

We've got something you should know about.

- Got them both there? - Yes. Page 28 and 41.

You sure these figures are accurate?

- Yes. - Positive.

Yes, sir, Mr. Lomax.

Bernie.

Call me Bernie.

I mean my father is Mr. Lomax, right?