Mom

So, I have what I've been told is a moral dilemma.

Whatever your gut is telling you, do the opposite.

That's what I thought at first, so I switched,

but that made me think I should switch again.

So now where am I?

I'm going back to my phone.

Give me a nudge when she gets to it.

Patrick's getting married.

And the phone is down.

I feel like he and Christy just broke up.

They did.

Men are pigs.

Unless he reconnected with a long-lost love.

In that case, aw.

It's the fitness model.

He hid the ring in her "a-sigh" bowl.

It thought it was "a-kye."

You're both wrong. It's "ah-sigh-ee."

Who cares how you say it?

It's just sherbert.

Actually, it's "sher-bit."

Okay, good-bye.

Stop.

How's Christy taking it?

She doesn't know.

Welcome to the aforementioned dilemma.

Why haven't you told her?

Because Adam's taking me away for a romantic weekend

at a spa resort in Reno.

- Ooh... - Oh... - Oh...

In theory, "Oh..."

But how can I enjoy making sweet love to Adam

in our room with partial mountain view

when I keep getting FaceTimed by a puffy-eyed Christy?

Partial view?

I thought he loved you.

Go back to your phone.

Bonnie, part of being a mother

is putting your child before you.

That child is 40 years old,

and this child has never had a hot stone massage.

Oh, Marjorie, it's just two days.

Let her have some fun.

She's looking at a lifetime of partial views.

Exactly. I can just as easily

crush my daughter's world on Monday.

And maybe bring her a Reno snow globe to soften the blow.

She hates those things.

Not everyone does.

: Dilemma over. I think she knows.

We can't be sure. It might be something I did.

Oh, please be something I did.

What's the matter, honey?

Patrick's getting married.

He posted on Instagram.

He gave her a ring in an "ah-cha-chi" bowl.

- Actually... - Let her have this.

You want a hit?

No. No, thanks. I already had a log of cookie dough for lunch.

I just don't understand

how Patrick can get over me so fast.

I'm a catch.

It's not you... my brother just can't live alone.

So what, he'll just marry anyone?

What do the towels in his bathroom say?

"His and Whoever"?

Babe, you're just taking shorts and T-shirts to Reno, right?

- Yeah. It's gonna be hot. - Oh. It's gonna be hot.

Oh. Right.

: It's gonna be so hot.

I can still hear you.

Honey, are you gonna be okay this weekend?

Why don't you make plans with the girls?

Jill's busy, Wendy's working,

and... Marjorie and Victor are spending the weekend

rediscovering their love.

- Oosh. - Ugh. (Shudders)

I need some chocolate syrup.

This isn't sweet enough.

I'm worried about her.

Me, too. You think we should postpone this trip?

No way. I can still worry about her while I'm on top of you

looking at some mountain and some parking lot.

You know, honey, we could go away together anytime.

I would not take it personally

if you went with her instead of me.

You're so sweet.

So what's the sporting event

you don't want to miss this weekend?

I'll admit, when I booked this trip,

that I did not know Edmonton and Calgary

would make it to a game seven.

And let me guess... Those two teams

don't like each other very much.

Oh, it's gonna get a little chippy.

But I really do think that you should take her

and get her mind off Patrick.

Trust me, she's gonna be okay.

She's stronger than she looks,

thanks to a lifetime of disappointment.

We didn't have any chocolate syrup,

so I just rolled it in sugar and Froot Loops.

I might have invented something great.

You are so lucky to have Adam.

What a sweet guy to give up his trip for me.

He shouldn't get the credit for this.

This was my idea.

He pushed back pretty hard, but I said, "No,

my Christy needs this"

I half believed you until you said "my Christy."

Yeah, I got greedy.

You know, it'd be a lot easier for you to forget Patrick

if you got off his Instagram page.

I'm not looking at him.

I'm looking at the giant ring he gave her.

How many karats do you think that is?

Am I focusing on the massive one

in the middle or the little ones worshipping it?

Not helpful.

All it tells me is someone's overcompensating.

Actually, no.

He was pretty good in that department.

Really?

He looks like a guy who'd have a wee dingle.

A wee dingle?

Yeah. Like a strawberry peeking up out of the leaves.

You can tell by looking at a guy?

Measure the distance between their eyes, multiply by three.

This is what it would look like on me.

Yeah, but if you took the ring,

you'd have to take the guy that came with it,

and you didn't want him.

You know what? You're right.

I'm always right.

Name one other time you were right, ever.

Titanic.

What, that you didn't go on it?

The movie.

Everyone said it was no good,

and I said, "Give this little boat picture a try."

What are you talking about?

It's the most popular movie of all time.

Thanks to me.

What are you doing?

I'm singing the Titanic song.

That's Fievel, the mouse from An American Tail.

We'll rent it tonight. You'll see.

Ooh! Ice cream.

What? We're almost there.

DQ! DQ! Exit, exit, exit!

No! You can get ice cream at the hotel.

We came here to make me feel better,

and a chocolate Blizzard would make me feel better.

: DQ! DQ!

DQ! DQ! DQ!

- DQ! DQ! - This may be why I disappeared so much

- when you were a kid. - DQ! DQ!

DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ!

What is happening here?

Love theme from Titanic.

What can I do you for, Officer?

Any reason you don't have plates on this car?

We don't? (Chuckles)

Well, uh, daughter's car.

She's inside getting ice cream.

You're gonna have to take it up with her.

You're the only one here, so I'm taking it up with you.

Okay. (Inhales sharply)

If I had to hazard a guess... New car,

plates are probably in a pile of unopened bills on her desk,

and if you bug her about it,

you're gonna get a bit of an earful.

Hmm. License and registration.

Man, must be a slow crime day in... nowhere.

This make you feel like a big man?

- (handcuffs click) - Ow! Pinchy! Pinchy!

I was gone for five minutes!

What did you do?

I ran out on some parking tickets 20 years ago,

which wasn't a problem until we came to Nevada,

and you didn't put your license plates on!

I told you I'll get to it.

Oh. Okay then. No hurry.

All right, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. Give me a lick of that before they lock me up.

Ooh. Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

Can you actually type with those sausages?

I do all right.

Well, pick up the pace.

We've got hot stone massages at 5:00.

I told you, this one's got a mouth on her.

Check out the space between his eyes.

Hey, hey, no talking in code.

Listen, Officer, this is all my fault.

I'm the one who forgot to put the plates on my car.

Hey, Sarg, you want me to write her up for that?

I could write her up for that.

Look, Terry,

why don't you head over to the middle school,

and see if they finished repainting that crosswalk?