Dirty Sexy Money

The love of money is the root of all evil.

That's what they say, anyway.

Money makes everything go wrong.

That's certainly what I always thought.

When I was a kid,

my dad worked for the richest family in New York city--

the Darlings.

It's my job, Clare. If they're gonna buy an entire island,

I have to at least see it first.

Yeah, right, and I get to sit here and rot!

You want me to quit?

Do you want me to quit? I quit. Fine.

No, Devlin, take care of the Darlings,

because obviously they need you more than we do.

Working for the Darlings was hard on my dad,

but it was even harder on my mom.

At some point, you'll come to your senses.

I've already come to my senses, Dutch. I'm not coming back.

Nicky...

it's not your fault.

Mommy just has to go.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

And it was hard for me, too,

as I grew up in the shadow of my father...

and the immensely wealthy family he worked for.

Nicky, you wait out here, all right?

I have to take care of a few things,

and I'll be back in ten minutes, then we'll go home. Okay?

Okay.

I hate you.

I love you.

And so I promised myself that when I grew up,

I would never be anything like my dad,

and I would never work for the Darlings.

- Your dad called. - Great. Who else?

Uh, let them eat food bank, and judge Campbell called--

Completely off-the-record as usual.

Yeah? What does she have to say?

Well, legally speaking, the sisters of eternal mercy

- can keep their little playground... - Oh, that's good.

If they can find a million dollars to buy it.

- A million? - Yep.

Oh, god. Why does the world have to be so miserable?

- That coffee's from yesterday. - Oh! Daisy!

- And your dad called... - Yeah, you told me that already.

Again. He really wants to have lunch next week.

Well, I'm not gonna be able to do that.

Nick, it's been over two months since you talked to him.

Look, Daisy, just call him and tell him I'm sorry,

but I'm too busy, I really am.

And then two weeks ago, my father's plane crashed

and everything changed.

Is everyone here for grandpa's funeral?

Yeah, they sure are.

- It's weird. - Yeah, it is.

Excuse me. Excuse me, officer? Officer,

can we, uh, can we get through here?

I'm sorry, who are you--

Justin Timberlake or K-Fed? I've heard 'em all today.

- No, it's my father's funeral. - Oh.

It's everybody's father's funeral today.

You've gotta be kidding me.

God, here they come.

Daddy, who? Who is it?

It's grandpa's friends, honey.

It's the Darlings.

- Oh, my god, I wanna die. - Tish, you can do this, sweetheart.

Hey, Freddy! Freddy!

How's it feel to leave the PGA to be Mr. Karen Darling?

Don't answer them, baby. They're idiots.

When will you formally announce your candidacy for the senate?

Please, folks, no politics. It's a sad day.

Sad day for everybody.

Juliet!

Juliet, over here!

How are rehearsals going for "Wait until dark"?

Oh, they're going really good.

I never want to be blind, but playing blind is really fun!

Hey, Jeremy!

How's it going? Good to see ya. Yeah!

Well, the rumor is you can't act at all.

Well, you're poor!

Juliet, is it true you're designing a new line of lingerie?

Ew.

Oh! When did you get back from Tahiti?

Uh, 30 minutes and 6 double espressos ago.

- Kelly Slater says hi. - Kelly. Hi!

What's your reaction to the stories about you in the tabloids?

Listen, I spend enough of my time dealing with reputable media, okay?

Patrick, were you close with Devlin George?

Are you kidding me?

He taught me how to ride my bike and fly-fish.

He helped me pass the New York bar.

He was so much more than just our lawyer. He was like a father to us.

- Patrick. - If you'll excuse me.

Nick, what are you doing out here?

Just, you know, watching the parade.

- Officer, he's with us. - Thanks.

- How are you? - I'm fine.

I'm very sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

And even if your dad did

insert himself a little too much into our family.

But he felt that's what his job was, right?

To insinuate himself into everything

so that he could suck as much money out of us as possible?

You know, Brian, Kiki's right here.

I'm sorry, Nick. You're right. Let's not fight.

I hate you.

I'm sorry grandpa's dead.

Please, god, tell me we'll never have to see these people ever again.

Done.

Why are you having a drink with Tripp Darling?

You told me we'd never have to see these people again.

Well, he wants to start this charitable fund in dad's name.

I'm gonna do the paperwork for him, and then we're done.

Okay?

I promise.

Okay.

Don't turn into a pumpkin.

I'm not gonna turn into anything.

Why the hell is Nick George coming over?

This is the worst idea in the history of the western world.

Well, I think that's a little melodramatic, Brian.

Nick George should not be our family lawyer, pure and simple.

It's what dad wants, Brian.

Yeah.

- And besides, Nick grew up with us. - No, Nick didn't grow up with us, Pat.

He was the offspring of an employee.

Maybe we should let Maria's little panchito manage your campaign.

- Brian, your father feels that-- - We all know how dad feels.

He loves Nick George, but he's wrong.

Since when is loving someone ever wrong?

Nick's wet. He's the brother I always wanted.

Hey... Ignatz.

Other-- other brother. Other brother.

Jeremy, how many times do I have to tell you?

- Get Midas off the couch. - Maria, get Midas off the couch.

What I don't understand is why we don't just let the market work.

The market?

Freddy, you're not a part of this family yet, so just stay out of it.

What he's saying is that we should shop around,

which I think is a huge mistake, by the way.

Look, your father and I have had an extensive conversation--

But there are better lawyers than Nick George

who would do a lot more for us for a lot less money,

and who wouldn't bring this massive attitude of entitlement to the table.

Nick has never felt entitled to anything.

Karen, you're drunk and in love with him, so shut the hell up.

- Hey! - I have had a scotch, okay? One.

Nick George is just like his dad. He's a glorified parasite.

I want a fresh start as much as anybody.

But Nick is your father's choice.

And that's that.

Is that the '90?

Give that a try.

It's a little vineyard we just bought in Bordeaux.

- It's amazing. - You still take an interest?

I do. I don't get to taste things like this too often.

Not in my line of work, you know?

Yeah, well... maybe your line of work is about to change, huh?

What do you mean by that?

- I need your help, Nicky. - With what?

With the family. You know, daily affairs.

Since your dad's gone--

the paperwork alone's eating me alive.

Tripp, certainly there are

better equipped lawyers than me to deal with the family affairs.

Yeah, I know. And I contemplated bringing some

hotshot in to take the reins.

No one seems right.

I considered Johnnie Cochran.

- He's dead, Tripp. - Yeah, I know. I found out.

He was a bit of a grandstander anyway. Loudmouth.

I spoke with Bill.

- Bill Clinton? - Uh-huh.

You asked Bill Clinton if he wanted to represent the family?

Took my shot. I mean, you know me, Nicky.

The thing is, when I really stopped and thought about it...

- you're the guy. - Oh, god.

You know us, Nicky. You're the guy.

I'm flattered, Tripp, but...

what Patrick said at the funeral the other day is true.

I really did have to share dad with you guys

when I was growing up, and I didn't like it.

I won't do that to my wife, and I certainly won't do that to my daughter.

- You want to be a good dad. - I do.

So did Dutch, and look at you, Nicky.

You're a successful lawyer. You're a family man.

And best of all, you've got a moral center.

So you tell me who did wrong.

If I had one kid like you, I'd be lucky.

I don't.

Tripp, I just don't think it's a good fit.

- I'm gonna put my nuts on the table. - Okay, if you have to.

I'll give you $5 million a year-- on top of what I pay you--

to do all your good works around town,

all your little charitable projects.