M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Attention!

Senior surgical staff and Father Mulcahy

report to Colonel Blake's office

on the double. Shake it, sirs.

Oh, will you be serving drinks, sir?

Radar, this is not a social function.

It's probably the most serious meeting I've ever had to call.

This is going to take all my resources

to guide us through these rocky waters.

This'll be a real test of my leadershipmanship.

So...

no booze.

Yes, sir.

Colonel.

Morning, Father. Take a pew.

We're here, Colonel.

Good. Just park your heinie.

This better be important. Major Burns is very busy.

It's important.

He certainly hopes so.

These senseless meetings

have wasted enough of his time.

You're in very good voice today, Frank.

Be sure to wind him up for the question period.

Hi, Henry. Skull session?

Where's Pierce?

He'll be along in a minute.

He's giving a nurse mouth‐to‐mouth resuscitation.

Ten‐hut!

Aw, come on, Pierce. Can the tomfoolery.

‐Morning, Father. ‐Good morning.

‐Comfortable? ‐Yes.

This your first flight?

All right, people.

I'm gonna give it to you straight.

Starting right here and now,

we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel,

our noses to the grindstone.

We've got to hunker down and pull together,

all for one and one for all.

Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliché Festival.

I happen to be serious, McIntyre.

Then stop talking in samplers.

Our supply line's been cut.

Who did that?

The other side, Frank.

We can't do everything ourselves.

Radar, will you read a partial list

of a few of the things we won't be getting for a while?

Uh, yes, sir.

Ahem.

"Fruit, vegetables, assorted food,

"fuel oil, blankets, bandages,

linen replacements, toilet paper."

‐Oh‐oh! ‐That hurts.

"No mail call, no electrical parts,

"no flares, no winter clothing, no playing cards,

no shuttlecocks"‐‐

That does it.

How do they expect us to fight a war

without shuttlecocks?

If they can fly wounded in here on choppers,

‐why not supplies? ‐If Regimental's right,

the fighting's shifted to the North,

and we won't be getting any casualties.

That's the same Regimental that said to Custer,

"One last stand and then you can go home."

I think HQ knows what it's doing, buster.

It's galling to hear officers ridicule command.

I'm not an officer.

Two guys from the draft board

caught me with a big butterfly net.

There you go.

There's your lounge lizard at war.

That one I gotta write down.

We've all had it too good too long.

What would have happened in 1776

if the Minutemen on their way to Concord

had stopped to worry about toilet paper?

So we would have had independence ten minutes later.

All right, people, let's put a lid on the bickering.

We're all in this together.

I think this entire unit

should go on immediate red alert.

Now that makes good sense.

‐I would make it conditional, however. ‐On what?

On what does "red alert" mean?

Emergency situation. Drastic measures.

Distribution of power.

Watch it, Henry. This is how they got the Tsar.

I know what to do, Pierce.

‐Here you go, sir. ‐Radar, gimme this clipboard I got here.

All right, during this situation of, uh...

Red alert.

Red alert.

The following people will be in charge

of these things that they'll, uh,

that they'll be in charge of.

Uh, fruit, vegetables, assorted food‐‐

Major Frank Burns.

Here, sir!

He could've fooled me.

Burns, you'll be in charge of conservation, distribution,

and the possible rationing of food.

‐Captain McIntyre‐‐ ‐Yo.

Heat and electrical power.

Captain Pierce, maintenance

and general service and supplies.

Major Houlihan, you will look after the nurses.

Margaret, I'll trade you my maintenance

for your nurse looking‐after.

Down, Pierce.

Okay. Now, Radar will be the housing officer.

Now, before this is over,

we may have to double up or triple up to save heat.

Radar will decide who sleeps with who.

Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.

What's my assignment, Skipper?

Oh, uh, Father Mulcahy, of course.

Um... ah!

You'll be in charge of morale.

"I" for Isaiah, 26.

I‐26.

"N" for Nazareth.

N‐37.

Bingo! I got it, Father!

All right. Let's review.

What have you got there?

Bingo, sir. "Nazareth" put me over.

Those are coffee beans.

We're facing a possible food shortage,

and you're playing with people's beans.

Father, I'm surprised at you. Really, Father.

Well, I only thought for morale purposes‐‐

Lay off the father, Major.

Will you stay out of this?

Where did you get that mink coat?

I paid for it myself.

"What did you do in the war, Daddy?"

"Oh, I was latrine officer, son.

My outfit never made a move without me."

Hey, should we leave in the staples?

Damn the staples, man. This is war.

Everyone has to live dangerously.

‐Hey! Close the door! ‐What are you‐‐

Okay, guys, put it right in here.

What's going on?

New sleeping arrangements

by order of Corporal O'Reilly,

housing officer.

Hey!

By order of Captain McIntyre,

heating officer.

‐Radar. ‐Sir?

I wanna dictate an order.

Radar, um, am I getting taller,

or is the room shrinking?

Oh, uh... uh, somebody cut the legs off, sir.

Oh, that's dirty pool.

Well, well, they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.

I know, but to cut off a man's legs

and steal his drawers...

Okay, take an order.

Uh, we're out of paper, sir.

They burn that, too?

Well, uh...not right off.

Attention! Due to shortage of oil and wood,

tonight's movie will be burned at 1800 hours.

Where did you get that wood, soldier?

My sister sent it to me, sir.

Oh.

Ah.

Come in, Frank!

Hi. Is the lady of the house in?

What are you selling?

That depends. What are you buying?

Oh, Frank.

You have the perfect personality in a crisis.

I've got something better than that.

Oh, Frank, it's so cold.

Wait.

Frank, a baked ham!

‐Shh! ‐Where did you get it?

As food supply officer, I was checking the supplies.

I requisitioned it on a chain of command priority basis.

‐You swiped it. ‐Right.

Oh, Frank, how can we eat when others may go hungry?

We're leaders, Margaret. We need to be strong.

The others will be weak because they haven't eaten,

but we'll be strong

because we've got the food they didn't get.

Frank, when you say it, it makes so much sense.

You've eaten all the pineapple, Margaret.

Oh, Frank, I hate to admit it,

but war can be exciting.

Oh, yes, when God is on your side.

Who is it?

It's the heating officer.

You can't come in!

Then we'll huff and we'll puff,