Innocents in Paris

- Paris, miss? - Yes.

Lost anything, miss?

- Yes, my ticket. -

- There it is. - Oh! Thanks.

- Gave me a fright. - Mm. Your first time going abroad?

- How did you guess? -

I've been saving up for ages.

Ah, when you've been here as long as I have, miss, you'll get to know 'em.

Clarinet.

Drum.

I wish my mother had taught me to play the flute.

- Put it down, you fool! - Yes, Sarge.

Ooh, my foot!

Sorry, Sergeant. Orders is orders.

Are you travelling, sir?

What the devil do you think I've come here for?

Ah, well, here I go, facing all the dangers of foreign travel

while you go skulking back to the local.

By golly, I wish I was coming with you, Captain.

I'll take you with me one day, my boy, and show you the real Paris.

- - In there, in there, in there!

Sir Norman! Thanks, Sir Norman.

Just a minute. Here we go.

Could I have a smile, Sir Norman, please? Just one little smile.

Well, I can't keep this up all day, you know. Why don't you flash your bulb?

Thank you, Sir Norman.

Why are you going to Paris, Sir Norman?

For tomorrow's session of the Preliminary Economic Conference.

Did the Prime Minister send you, Sir Norman? Is the conference going badly?

I wouldn't say "badly".

Are the Russians being troublesome?

I wouldn't say "troublesome”.

- What would you say? - Mmm?

I'd say that the conference is not going particularly well,

that the Russians are not being particularly easy,

and, er... and that is all.

Are you going over for long?

- Just for the weekend. - I see.

- Thank you. - Thank you very much.

- British, sir? - And proud of it!

There's been a Stilton in Shropshire since the Norman invasion.

How much British money have you, sir?

My bank balance is my own affair. Don't ask impertinent questions.

No, I mean, how much on you, sir?

- Well, how much I am allowed to have? - Five pounds, sir.

Five pounds then.

Ridiculous formalities!

Head up, chest out, shoulders back!

Remember, you're playing in Paris tomorrow!

Ooh-la-la!

I'll teach you French, Bandsman Bird!

What's the French for blimey?

Have you any English money with you, sir?

Four pounds, 11 shillings and seven pence halfpenny in cash.

In traveller's cheques, the maximum amount permitted

under the Treasury Order in Council, 2585, 1952.

- You seem to have studied it, sir. - Studied it?

I introduced it.

Sir Norman! I'm sorry, sir, I didn't recognise you.

Of course, that's quite all right, sir. Here you are.

No, one moment, please. Leave that, will you?

Under the same Order in Council, sub-section 4, paragraph 2,

I'm required to disclose any personal valuables

I may be taking abroad.

You'll find a pair of silver-backed hairbrushes in the suitcase.

Do you, er... Do you wish to see them?

- Er, no... No, sir. - Mmm.

Oh, and, er, these.

Onyx and white gold.

Very pretty, sir.

That remark is superfluous.

I'll expect to disclose all these to you on my return.

- Good day. - Good day, sir.

- Did you want something, sir? - Eh?

Och, no, it's... It's just that, well,

window dressing's my job too and I like studying other people's methods.

I don't suppose I should now that I'm on holiday.

No.

Can I have a cup of tea, please?

- Are you going to gay Paris? - Yes.

- Done much flying? - No.

I have. Perfectly safe these days, of course.

Read about that crash yesterday?

- No. - Ghastly!

Plane hit the top of a mountain, you know.

Still, if people don't look where they're going, could happen anywhere, couldn't it?

I had a nasty experience once.

- We were in the air at the time... - BEA...

British European Airways announce the departure of the Silver Wing for Paris.

That's us.

Passengers holding boarding card number ten, please.

Always safest to sit at the back, you know.

Stilton.

MacGregor.

As soon as we're airborne, double Scotch.

Yes, sir.

- Still one more to come. - Is there?

Wait! Please wait! It's going without us, I know it is!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh dear, oh dear!

I very nearly didn't get here. Oh, thank you. My cat.

Be careful of that, my dear, it's very precious.

Oh, well, here we are at last!

I nearly forgot to leave out the milk for my cat.

There we go. Here we are.

Will all passengers kindly fasten their seat-belts, please?

Your seat-belt, madam.

I haven't brought one with me.

What do you...?

- Oh, I see! The other end? - Yes, please.

Oh, yes, the other end.

What an extraordinary thing.

Good gracious.

Oh! Prisoner for life.

Oh, well, never mind.

Of course, the take-off is the worst part.

Would you care for a little more, madam?

Oh, erm... Non, merci.

Thank you.

Suffisant.

Oh dear, oh dear!

I really must brush up my French.

I've never been to Paris before.

But I've been practising my conversational phrases for the past three months,

so I don't think I need worry, do you, hmm?

Thank you so much.

Would you like some more champagne?

Yes, please!

What's the matter? Aren't you hungry?

No. I left my stomach behind.

Of course, the real trouble with Paris is it's so darn expensive.

- You think so? - You'll find out.

Cos I know Paris well, you know.

But there are always ways and means.

For instance, there's a chap at the Britannia Bar who'll always cash you a cheque.

Perhaps I'd better tell you that I happen to be a government official.

Oh, well then, in that case you probably wangled yourself all the francs you need.

Good luck to you!

British European Airways announces the arrival

of the Silver Wing service from London.

You said you didn't have any money but you do have money. How come?

Je ne compris pas. I don't understand a word you're saying.

You don't speak conversational French. What is the good of it?

What is she jabbering about?

- Have you any money? - What? Money?

Yes. Oh, well, anglais or francais?

Any money?

- Well, I've got some French francs here. - Ah...

Five pounds in francais francs.

Oui.

- Oui. Très bien. - Thank you.

- Merci. - Thank you very much.

Glad that's all over now. That's a mercy.

- Voila, madame! - Yes, now take care. Thank you.

Au revoir!

You ain't seen nothing yet.

- I knew I hadn't lost my passport. - Well, now it's gone.

Your bus has gone, miss.

But don't worry, in half an hour there's another one.

Thank you.

Excuse me, mademoiselle.

Maybe I could give you a lift into Paris?

How did you know I was English?

Your... your dress.

Are you a dressmaker?

No, but I am a Frenchman.

Pardon.

Three hundred accidents a day in Paris alone.

Can you wonder when the maniacs drive on the wrong side of the road?

It's the first time you see Paris that lives in your memory.

Oh, it's wonderful!

Yes.

And it's never the same, you know. Just like a woman.

Do you know a lot about women?

No, I know a lot about Paris.

Oh.

Ah, Bickerstaff!

- Hello, Captain. The usual? - Yes!

Just thought I'd pop in for a quick one, you know.

I always like coming to the Britannia Bar.

It's the one place in Paris where you can get a good glass of a decent British brew.

Well, that's very kind of you indeed, sir.

Thank you, Bickerstaff. Cheers!

Cheers, sir.

Have you got a good tip for the Grand Prix tomorrow?

I'm doing Zizi.

You're doing Zizi?

So are 40 million Frenchmen

and they'll all be caught with their pants down.

Wilkinson.

What did Mother Hubbard's dog do?

In eight letters.

Begins with "W".

Er...

Oh!

Oh, but that's wonderful.

C'est très...

Comment vous dites? I can't... I can't express myself in French.

- Well, that's very kind of you. - Oh, you're English?

But it's not as good as all that, you know.