Get Luke Lowe

Hey guys!

My name's Sadie Akafor and welcome to hashtag TV.

Today we'll be bringing you fashion, music and gossip.

Fuck you and your stupid fucking campaign.

No one wants to see another banana-munching monkey

filling fucking quotas anyway.

If you don’t like it, don’t get a job in a

public fucking profile.

Better yet, fuck off back to where you come from,

you fucking slag.

Cos you see, see I know where you live.

And I’m gonna come to your house

and pour acid all down your fucking face.

The floral crown was a nice touch.

It was beautiful.

She would’ve liked the gold roses.

Maybe but personally I think they should’ve gone with red.

Your eulogy was erm… a little provocative.

Are you reading the same message?

If it’s the one that says the world is going to shit,

then yeah, reading the same message.

His friend’s decided not to testify…

Not got enough evidence to charge him.

They don’t have enough evidence to charge the fucker!

All that talk of forgiveness after everything he did to her…

We should track him down and use those crosses

to crucify the fucker.

Sounds like you’re getting a little bit like

GI bitch on me there.

Would that be so bad?

What if someone finds out?

No one will find out.

And no one gets hurt?

Define hurt.

Okay - did you honestly just say to me define hurt?!

Are you fucking serious?

It won’t be anything physical.

Eve!

Trust me.

Evelyn?! Now, Evelyn, I know you might take the opportunity to

go wild while your parents are on the Adriatic Coast

but there’s no excuse for leaving your bin

on the footpath all day, is there?

No, there isn’t.

I don’t want to seem like a bugbear but you know I take

my role on the residents’ committee very seriously.

And if you let one thing go, there goes the neighborhood.

You understand?

Yes, of course.

So I trust you’ll move all receptacles

as a matter of urgency?

Just as soon as I get home.

Excellent.

You’re looking more macabre than usual.

A funeral does that to you.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It’s not your fault, Mrs. Thompson.

Friend or family?

A very, very close friend.

Well, if there's anything I can do. I tell you what,

why don’t I pop by sometime and whip up a roast to cheer you up?

Oh actually, Mrs. Thompson, I don’t want to impose.

No, no, I don’t want you

clogging your arteries with all those takeaways.

Sure.

Excellent. Leave it with me.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Yeah, I need to bring it, man, let me just sort something out.

Just sort something out for my niece.

Hi.

Yeah.

I can do that.

Sure.

Why do you always have to dress like you haven’t been fucked

for the better part of the year, huh?

That’s really progressive and encouraging. Thank you.

Don’t get all feminazi on me. I’m just trying to help you.

Definitely.

Yeah.

What the hell is this?

You said you wanted to be inconspicuous.

OK, so this in that does fulfill the brief of "inconspicuous"?

I can do that. Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Here.

You’re one to talk about being discreet.

Come on, I mean we both look shady as fuck.

Did you do everything I asked?

You doubting me?

Never.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

Anything I need to know?

Amazing… Yeah.

Sometimes it’s better not to ask.

Okay, this won't do anything for me.

So you wanna look pretty for the misogynistic troll who

shames women for their looks? No, asshole.

Like, if we’re not gonna look badass while doing it

Then what’s the fucking point?

Um… judgemental.

I need to break our pact.

I broke it earlier. Twice.

Sort you out.

Ready? Ready.

Ssssshhhhh.

Right, we got everything. We got the rug. Bungees.

Okay.

You got your bottle yeah? Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay, fuck it.

Shit!

Shit what?

We haven’t thought of any like code names to use around him.

Oh fuck, he can't know our names.

We'd be fucked.

Seriously fucked.

I could be, like, pink. And you could be, I don't know, like blue.

I mean, it's a bit derivative.

But, fuck, I can't think of anything better.

Shit! Shit! He’s coming.

He’s coming. He’s coming. He's coming

Fuck. Oh, fuck he is.

Grab your bat.

Eve, what are you waiting for?

What the fuck are you doing with that?!

And I quote:

I’m gonna sodomize you

with my grandma’s kitchen knife collection.

Eve!

Eve!

Oh my god.

Shit, shit, shit. Oh my god.

Fucking Sadie.

Excuse me. Can you help?

Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa! What? What do you want?

Gi - give me your phone.

I’m only gonna fucking block it anyway.

What the fuck are you doing?!

What’s the point in taking my phone and then smashing it up?

Ju - Just - Just shut up!

Look, you got what you want. Now fuck off.

Shit! Shit!

You hit me in the fucking face!

Take off the fucking mask.

Take the mask off.

Shut up. Take the mask off.

Take the fucking mask off. No!

Take the fucking mask off.

Fucking.

Why am I not surprised, you're a fucking nigger.

Eve! Get off her, you fucking asshole.

Fuck off!

Fucking… Fuck. Sorry.

Shit.

How do we get him back?

I'm gonna go get the van, okay, I'm gonna get the van.

Fuck. Fuck.

Oh my god, Eve, can we just behave like adults, please?

Why don't you just put my birthday on blast.

Or perhaps the name of my first pet?

What the hell are you talking about?

Like, you literally hate animals.

You're so fucking stupid.

I get it. Like I fucked- You do?!

I fucked up, okay.

Can we just not act like this is Bristol

all over again, please?

No no no no no!

This is not like the time you fucked off with some random guy

to rave on some boat on E. This is a million times worse!

Not only did you fuck off but he knows my name!

Fucking doll fucking eyes. I came, I came there.

Oh.

I came there. And I was so fucking scared.

Like, I was scared, Eve. I was so scared.

I was scared… Eve.

Mate, I thought my heart was

gonna do an alien right out my chest.

Right! Right.

I fucking stuttered. I can’t believe I fucking stuttered.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

It definitely called for a stutter, okay. You did so good.

Seeing him knocked out on the floor

was fucking worth it though.

Okay, that was a little Aileen Wuornos. Okay.

Is that okay there? Can we leave it there?

Shit.

Okay, if you do those ones. Grab underneath.

No underneath.

No, I can't- Underneath.

I need a light!

Okay.

I can't fucking see what I'm doing. Please.

Does this work?

No… Yes, I guess it will have to do.

Oh my god. It's gone out now. Right. Again.

Ready?

It's fine.