Two and a Half Men

Sorry, I'm late.

I've been waiting here for over an hour.

I'd to pee in that bush.

I shudder to think what you used to wipe.

Did you knock on the door to see if Walden and Berta were home?

Yeah, they invited me in, but I said I'd rather pee

on my feet while an azalea tickled my crack.

Okay, actually, it's, uh, it's an oleander.

That's probably not the salient part of your story.

You know, none of this would have happened if I had a key.

Uh, come on. We've been over this.

I just, I feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries

with Walden by asking if my girlfriend can have a key.

Well, I feel like an unwelcome guest in this house.

I'm an unwelcome guest in this house.

You know, I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Isn't it enough that you have the key to my heart?

Oh, bite me.

Okay, I get it. I get it.

You're upset, and you have every right to be.

But why don't we just, you know, take a deep breath

maybe open a bottle of wine

uh, take a bath,

light some candles.

Do you actually believe

I'm gonna have sex with you?

I can't believe you ever have sex with me.

But you're here now. You look lovely.

You have an empty bladder, so why not?

You know what? Keep the key.

Ah, Lyndsey, come on.

Don't be like this.

What, you're just going to mark your territory and leave?

Son of a bitch.

'Bet you wish you gave me that key now.'

Ah..

Ah..

You're gonna keep doing that until I ask you what's wrong

aren't you?

What's wrong?

Kate updated her Facebook status.

Still no mention of me.

Let it go.

She's eating a bagel.

We used to eat bagels.

Here.

Now you're eating bagels together.

- I miss her. - Oh, boo-hoo.

I miss waking up next to Burt Reynolds.

What, it happened.

- Morning. - Morning.

Where-where's Lyndsey?

I thought she was spending the night.

Me, too. But then she decided I suck.

- Why? - Did it take her so long?

I don't know what happened.

It just came out of nowhere.

It always does.

You know who knew relationships? Your brother.

Oh, please, his lasted an hour at a time.

An hour and a half if he was drunk.

Exactly. He treated women like rental cars.

You pay for them when you need them

and it's someone else's job

to empty out the trunk and hose them down.

Well, I'm not paying for sex.

And he can't afford to.

I don't need a hooker. I have Lyndsey.

You should lead with that when you apologize to her.

Oh, we will be fine.

This whole thing will blow over and be gone by tomorrow morning.

So would the hooker.

Hey.

Well, well, well, look who finally decided

to grace us with his presence.

I needed some time. Kate and I split up.

- Another woman left you? - She moved to New York.

They're crossing state lines to get away from you now.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a loser. I'm alone.

And meanwhile, you're having wild, crazy sex

with my ex-wife like I could never imagine.

Oh, you don't have to imagine it.

Look, let me-let me paint you a word picture.

Uh, the candles were flickering..

...the music was playing..

...and she rode me like I was a giant, pink pogo stick.

You're not a giant anything.

That's funny.

You know what else is funny?

You're alone.

Okay, I get it. It's a joke.

Women always leave me. I get it.

Well, you know what? It still hurts.

Not that I expect you to understand how it feels

to have your heart broken by someone you love

because that would actually require you having a heart.

'Do you even know how it feels--'

She dumped me.

What?

Bridget left me.

Are you serious?

She-She said I was inconsiderate, condescending

and that I look like a lesbian art teacher.

I-I don't know what to say.

Other than you do look like a lesbian art teacher.

I'm glad that my pain can make you happy.

Oh, wait, you have no idea.

Let me paint you a word picture.

Flowers are blooming.

Birds are singing.

Angels are farting rainbows.

That's not funny, alright?

My-my life is falling apart.

Come on. I'm just giving you a hard time.

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be okay.

No, it's not. I loved her.

I know. I did, too.

And then I realized she's the broken one.

- You think so? - Yeah, of course, I..

She dumped me to be with you. I mean..

- Hey, that-- - Shh, it gets better.

Here ya go.

We got chicken and star soup

and grilled cheese sandwich with the crust cut off.

I-I got dumped by my girlfriend

not pushed off the monkey bars at recess.

And that's why I put whiskey in your sippy cup.

What's going on?

Oh, Billy got dumped by Bridget.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Ah, me and my girlfriend are going through

a bit of a rough patch ourselves.

So, she sewed you up in your sheets while you were sleeping

and started beating you with a broom?

Uh, no.

Then it's not a rough patch.

What is it that makes relationships so difficult?

- Women. - Women.

Exactly.

I mean, when was the last time you were dating someone

and you decided to ask

"Where is this relationship going?"

Or "Are you mad at me?"

Yeah, or "What's all this glittery, sparkly stuff

on your pants?"

And guys ask questions that you can answer.

Like, "How are we fixed for ham? "

Why is my beer empty?

God, I hate it when Lyndsey asks me that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wait, were we doing guys' or girls' questions?

Yeah, on the other hand, there's no better feeling

than when you're in a loving, happy relationship.

The sweet release of black tar heroin's a close second.

Well, the good news is neither one of you guys

are going to be single for long.

I mean, you got looks and money.

Thank you, Alan.

And you've got...money.

That's true.

Yeah, and what about you? You got..

...most of your hair.

Both eyes.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, no, you've got a..

You've got--

To go apologize to my girlfriend.

'Exactly.'

By the way, how are we fixed for ham?

- Alan. - Wow.

- Oh, uh, hey-hey, Lyndsey. - What are you doing here?

Well, I've left you a few messages since yesterday.

I don't know if you got them.

I did.

Oh, o-okay.

Well, you look nice.

Did someone die?

I'm going out.

Ooh, girls' night out?

- No. - Oh.

Did someone die?

I have a date with Dr. Staven.

Wait, Dr. Staven, your-your gynecologist?

That's right.

Is-is this about the other night?

Because I said I was sorry.

Look, if it'll make you feel better

you can lock me out and I'll pee in your bush.

Okay, that came out much worse than I meant it.

Okay, I have to get going.

Are you mad at me?

No, we just have different ideas

of what a relationship should be.

Well, then let's just sit down and talk about it.

Nothing to talk about.

Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done..

She's mad at me.

They're hot when they're angry, aren't they?

Oh, Herb.