Jeff Dunham's Completely Unrehearsed Last-Minute Pandemic Holiday Special

Ladies and gentlemen,

it’s been eight months since he’s been onstage,

and every joke tonight is brand-new

and never tried on any person or any audience anywhere.

So he’s either the smartest man in Hollywood

or the dumbest guy in the country,

which is probably exactly the same thing.

Please welcome your pal and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

Thank you so very much.

Wow, look at all you guys.

This is fantastic. You know, the last time I did a show,

it was in March, it was in Florida,

and there was 10,000 people.

What the heck happened?

We’re less than 100 now.

You know, the great part is we all got out

of our houses, right? Yes?

And now we’re in grave danger of catching something horrible.

So thank you for coming.

But the question is, why are we here this evening? We’re here because I

want to be. And why do I want to be here? Because you want to be here.

We’ve gone through a crazy time. We’re going to get through it.

But it’s the holiday season. We want to laugh.

We want to be together with our families

and as a big family right now.

So you ready for some fun? How about it? Yes?

I’m glad you’re here, but it has been

a full eight months since I’ve been on stage.

And I’ve never done that.

Besides my honeymoon, I’ve never... This is true.

I’ve never gone more than two weeks without doing a show

since the fifth grade.

So for me, this has been like going through

some sort of withdrawal.

And about halfway through it, I finally got so depressed.

I did a show in our living room

for our twin 5 year old boys and the dog.

Tough crowd, they just wanted snacks.

But now I can honestly say this is all brand new,

untried material.

No one has heard any of these jokes.

I’ve never heard of any comedian doing this. You know why?

Because nobody else is stupid enough to try it.

Everyone’s had to cancel stuff, and we do every year,

you know, stuff we always do like birthdays, graduations.

But for me the big one was our ventriloquist convention.

We had to cancel that. It’s every summer.

It’s always around 600 people

who all share the same interest in ventriloquism.

Being there, though, it makes Achmed a little nervous

because he’s used to meeting only 72 virgins at a time.

Thank you. I’m never going to be asked back, but whatever.

As for the holidays, it’s gotten a bit complicated at our house.

You see, my wife is now completely vegan,

and so I now am by proxy.

Well, she’s the one who cooks. What am I going to do?

And our 5 year old boys go along with the vegan thing.

However, I was very proud of little James the other day

for being honest after he tried

some vegan cheese that mommy gave him.

Yeah, this is the exact quote while he was eating the cheese.

"I don’t like it. It’s killing my body a little."

And of course, we’re home schooling the boys now.

The teacher’s name is Netflix.

And if we want the boys to read, we just turn on the subtitles.

Also, we wanted to give our boys

that authentic early years school experience,

so every morning I shove their faces in the dirt

and take their lunch money.

And I know it’s recommended that you play old school games

with the kids during the quarantine.

But with the vegan thing in our house,

there’s no duck, duck, goose.

Nope. We play soy, soy, tofu.

Quarantine, red rover, red rover.

- No one can come over. - And hide-and-seek is more like "hide and sit down for a while

So I can get a few damn minutes to myself."

Anyway, enough of that. You guys ready

for the little people in the boxes?

Thank you.

Thank you. So the first guy I’d like to introduce,

I think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this

in your own family or where you work.

Please help me welcome my old friend Walter.

Walter, how are you?

How the hell you think?

Well, you playing it safe with the mask?

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

Yeah, I think I’m about to die though.

Why? I picked up the wrong damn mask.

- You did? - Yeah.

This is yours, and your breath stinks.

Can I take it off?

Please do. And then get yourself a damn Tic Tac for God’s sakes.

How’s everything else? [ Sarcastically ] Oh, it’s just great.

This has been the best year ever!

Then after all these months, you told me we were going

to finally get to do a show again.

- That’s right. - I was happy.

- Really? - Yeah.

Then we get here, and we’re outdoors.

And the size of this audience makes it look like

we’re doing a frickin’ bar mitzvah

for one of the unpopular kids.

This sucks!

- But we’re outdoors. - I know!

Do a show, get a tick.

This is a lovely place.

For a birthday party.

Hey, let’s go play pin the tail on the moron

who decided to do this.

Walter, we’re here to make people laugh.

Yeah, well, and we’re in the middle of the terrible pandemic.

So let’s have a chuckle.

People could use a laugh right now.

I could use some crack right now.

- Well... - Outside.

- Yeah. - No walls.

- Right. - No curtain.

Yeah, this is Comedy Central

on a budget.

This is a great venue.

You have been quarantined too damn long.

- Walter... - This looks like the patrons

had nowhere to go after a Chuck E. Cheese burnt down.

So what have you been doing all this time off?

Well, uh, actually, I had my hips replaced.

Your hips?

- Both knees. - Really?

Yeah. Had my shoulder replaced.

- I had no idea. - Yeah.

I’m trying to get out of my marriage

one body part at a time.

- Don’t you think this is great being on TV? I don’t care. - My wife and I have been locked up alone in our house

Together for so long, it’s just a matter of time

before we end up on "Dateline."

How have you been holding up through all of this?

Well, I just hope you washed your hand for 20 seconds

before you put it where it is.

Aren’t we supposed to be six feet apart?

- Well... - Oh, wait, yes.

We did that. I couldn’t talk.

You can’t throw your voice a measly six feet?

Yes, I can. Oh, then I guess my mouth wouldn’t move.

’Cause you couldn’t pull on the little thingamajig back there.

You’d be like, "Hey, Walter!"

And I’d be like, "Hey, Lorne. How’s it going?"

So do you wear a mask when you go to the store and all that?

Sure.

I like the idiots who wear masks over their mouths,

but not their noses, too.

Dimwits. That’s like wearing a jockstrap on your knees.[

I mean, it’s there. But what’s the point?

You know, I read that medical experts say

people should wear masks during time of you know...

Oh, come on, you don’t need a mask.

No, no. You can hold your breath

for 34 seconds.

So how’s everything been going with your wife?

Oh, we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves

and fighting all the time.

Sorry to hear that. Yeah.

You mean since the quarantine?

Since our wedding.

Oh.

But we’re staying 6 feet apart.

- What? - Yeah, it’s the closest

we’ve been in years.

With the pandemic, you know, we can’t get together

with people we’re usually around.

Sometimes we can’t visit family.

I know. Is this thing great or what?

You know, many people say

they’ve put on weight during the pandemic.

My wife started putting on weight during the pandemic.

- She did. - Yeah... of 1919.

I’m not kidding. She didn’t get the Spanish flu.

She got Spanish desserts.

Like flan. What the hell?

I think those are called tapas.

Yeah, well, she’s at