The Odd Couple

Oscar, do you mind if I do my core training

while you watch your sports contest?

As long as I don't see you.

I can see your reflection in the TV.

Still.

Still.

Good.

Oscar, your 4:30 got moved to 4:00.

I'm just gonna go make some coffee.

Whoa.

Did you hear that?

What, that sigh? Don't worry.

She'll still make the coffee.

No, something is definitely up with her.

And notice how she left her hair down today,

as if she couldn't muster the strength to put it up.

And she ordered fries with her lunch

instead of her usual mixed berry medley.

Not even sweet potato fries.

Regular, oh-to-hell-with-it fries.

Here's an idea. Stop noticing everything!

What do you think could be bothering her?

- Could it be a boyfriend problem? - I don't know.

- Maybe a health issue with a parent. - No idea.

Does she have any siblings?

She did mention a sister once,

but that could have just been a sistah thing.

You don't know anything about her.

Dani's worked for you for three years.

I'm her boss. She's my assistant.

I don't meddle in her personal life.

The woman is in crisis. Go in there, talk to her

and find out what's wrong.

No. Mind your own business.

Take your ball and go home.

Oh. Well, perhaps I will just stay here

and watch the game with you.

So,

who are the good guys?

Oh, my God.

Hey.

So... you know.

How are you?

What do you mean?

I don't really know.

What's going on? Are you firing me?

- Because I will sue your ass so fast... - No!

No, no, I would never fire you.

Felix and I just noticed

that something might be bothering you.

- Aw. Nope, I'm all good. - Okay, then.

In fact, I just got invited to my high school reunion,

so I'm going to be flying back to Cleveland in a few weeks.

'Cause that's where you're from, and I knew that.

Mm-hmm.

Gonna catch up with some old friends,

see how everybody's changed.

Who got bald, who got married.

- That sounds great. - Mm-hmm.

What's the ETA on the coffee?

Pretty sure I'm the only person

in the old crew who's still single,

but, hey, I'm cool with that.

But you know how everybody's gonna be.

"No husband, Danielle?

Not even a boyfriend, Danielle?"

Who's Danielle?

You're Danielle.

Mm. But, you know,

if I get, uh, lonely, I can always

sit at the front desk and just hand out name tags.

You know, "Welcome back, East High Roadrunner!"

The name tags are arranged by last name.

And yes, I still have the same last name

because I'm not married.

There, there.

Good, but cover her with both hands.

Darren and I broke up almost a year ago,

and I've pretty much given up on trying to find someone new.

Here's a tissue.

I'm okay.

I must insist.

I'm sorry for crying like that.

It was so unprofessional.

It's okay.

Unprofessional. Please.

We're all friends here, right, Oscar?

That was a crazy amount of tears.

Yeah, I'm gonna get some water.

I actually cried myself thirsty.

Well, it's obvious what we have to do.

Yeah, teach Dani to cry in the shower like a normal person.

No, we have to find her a boyfriend.

No, we have to stay out of it.

She thinks she'll never find anyone again.

I understand that feeling, more than I would care to admit.

And I think you do, too, if you could look down deep,

past the swamp of half-digested fish sticks.

Dani is strong and proud, and she doesn't need us

to set her up like she's some charity case.

Yeah, I do! I want that!

Well, you know what? I will help her.

I don't know what I thought, expecting you

to think about anyone other than yourself.

I'll buy you a new one.

What do you mean?

Wonderful! That will set the perfect tone for Dani's date.

What can I say? I'm a romantic.

And you're paying me. I like money.

Say,

why can you never find the composer

of Trumpet Concerto in E Flat Major?

Because he's Haydn.

Oh, Cindy, thanks.

- I'll be in touch. - Okay.

Felix, I finished your matchmaking questionnaire,

but some of the questions seemed a little personal,

like the one about positions.

I wanted to know about your job history.

Oh.

Then you should know I once worked as a missionary.

And a cowgirl.

Okay, I have given the same questionnaire

- to every available man that I know. - Mm-hmm.

My work colleagues, the viola player in my string quartet,

all of my book club bros.

And once I compile the data,

finding Mr. Right will be a cinch.

Ooh.

You're looking for Mr. Right?

- I have just the guy for you. - Oh, yeah?

My brother-in-law.

He's been living with my wife and I for a while,

and a more delightful companion you will not find.

Wait. Alan?

The moocher who lives in your basement?

Oh. Hey, many great men got their start in a basement.

No, many great men got their start in a garage.

Many serial killers got their start in a basement.

Alan isn't a serial killer.

He doesn't have that kind of work ethic.

Okay, let's see what you put for most important qualities.

"Religious."

That's number one.

- "A good butt." - A close number two.

Okay. "Likes... football, baseball, basketball."

Got it.

God, butt, balls.

Now that I have this information,

I shall find you the perfect match.

And while I cannot guarantee success...

yes, I can.

Felix, you can't micromanage romance.

It's not micromanaging.

It's simply creating a love algorithm

to compare data, weighting certain categories

as indicators for long-term potential.

Oh, I'm sorry. I dozed off.

Who's the space president now?

Sounds exciting. So scientific.

That's not the way love works.

You can't plan it. It just happens.

Oh, so she should just sit at home and hope

that someone good comes along?

No, you got to put yourself out there.

There are lots of ways to maximize your chances.

That you'll teach me? Thank you, Oscar!

Oh, no, I wasn't offering.

I was just arguing with Felix.

- And I was offering. - Yes!

Oh, do you think we can find me a soul mate by the reunion?

There's a couple of bitches in Spanish Club

I really want to stick it to.

That's right, tengo UN hombre.

It's nice that you and Felix are trying

to find a guy for Dani, but...

Extra, extra! I'm single, too!

Maybe it's because I say stuff like that.

Sorry I'm late.

I got nervous and started hyperventilating on the subway.

I had to breathe into a homeless guy's liquor bag.

But then he hit on me, so I got a little confidence going.

Okay, well, let's ride that wave.

I'm gonna introduce you to guys

so they'll feel like they're pursuing you.

You can work this magic?

Langford's is my home turf.

My radio show makes me kind of a god in here.

Hey, you're Oscar Madison, right?

That's right, my friend.

I'm not your friend, you jackass!

- Let's go. - Mm-hmm.

You're a joke. You got a big mouth and a little brain!

What's wrong with him? He's cute and a good judge of character.

Oscar, I feel like an idiot.

Are you sure about this?

Trust me. This is gonna work. Just do it again.

Hey, can I give you a couple pointers?

- Yeah? - Uh-huh.

You got to keep your elbow up, all right?