Plebs

Excuse me, we're looking for the deli counter.

Certainly. Turn left at Lighting and it's just past Ladies Wear.

Nice one, ta.

We should leave. People are giving us some pretty dirty looks.

No, we fit right in, man!

Sure, we might not be cash rich, but it's obvious we're classy guys.

Here we go, the taster counter.

Get stuck in, it's free. Yep, really classy.

If you load up, you can taste a full meal.

Can I help you, gentlemen? We're just browsing, thanks.

And eating.

I'm browsing with my mouth.

Just having a little taste - try before you buy.

And are you planning to buy that chicken leg?

Probably not now, to be honest. We're sorry about this.

No, we're not! This is totally legit.

For all this guy knows, we could be mega-minted poshos in disguise.

It would be a superb disguise. Cheers.

Take us to the bed section, my good man. I want to try one of them.

Mm-hm. Security!

Agh. This chair is like a torture device.

I've asked Flavia for one with back support so many times.

At least you get a chair. I have to stand still all day.

Think you could stand a bit stiller? Hard to score if you're jiggling.

I don't want you to score!

Come on! Getting balls in your jug is the only fun part of my day.

Stop it! Calm down.

I don't want them in my jug. Open your mouth, then.

Give him something to aim at. I don't want your balls in my mouth!

It might shut you up for once, water boy.

Sorry. He's been trying to get balls in my jug all day. I don't care.

Paper balls. Stop talking. Water man.

Boys, I'd like to introduce you to Ramases, he's on work experience.

Hey, guys. Cool office.

I'm giving him a tour of the company,

starting with the talking turds in the copy room and working up.

We should press on before we catch worms.

Could I stay and play the jug game for a bit, please?

No, we're going to the grain store. Chop, chop!

Have you thought about my request for a chair with back support?

I have, and if the problem persists, I will take steps...

It will - ..to hire a copier with a stronger back.

Right. I'm sure I'll manage, then. Good-oh.

It's so bloody demeaning.

Even that gimpy work-experience kid is treated better than us.

You can say that again. He's got a sedan chair, look! Hup!

Oi, Ramases! It's Stylax and Marcus, the talking turds.

Oh, hey, guys. Is this sedan chair yours?

It's my dad's, actually.

I sort of crashed my one taking it off-road.

Holy shit! I know, it was really stupid and I've learned my lesson.

My dad's one's way bigger, though, if you guys need a lift.

All right. Who's the flat-top?

This is Ramases. He's Egyptian.

Oh, right, yeah. Them the ones with the pointy houses?

Pyramids, yeah. Please, guys, you can call me Rambo.

I said Rambo could join us for dinner tonight, eh, Grumio?

Fine, yeah. There is no dinner.

Right. First-class slaving.

It's cool. I've got my dad's charge card for the Emporium

if you wanna run and grab some stuff.

Wicked. I mean, I'd rather not run but...

So take the sedan, if you like.

Yeah.

I do like.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, not you again. Shoo!

Hop it. I will not allow you to ravage our luxury foods.

How about I buy 'em, then?

Ptolemy Hachmenenet?

Is the name of my master, yes.

He sent me to fetch his scran.

And I am absolutely delighted you chose us, sir.

Pray tell what your master is craving and I will do my utmost to help.

I thought you might. Well, he mainly likes meat.

Lovely. Shall I fetch a basket?

Get a trolley, I would.

I thought I'd cover all the major food groups.

So sorry about this, Rambo. It's cool, man, it's Dad's money.

He won't even notice.

You ever had mice?

We have, but more as an infestation than a delicacy.

So is Daddy properly loaded?

Er...yeah, I guess so.

He owns, like, a shipping company and a sawmill thing

and a marble... whatever it's called - hole?

Quarry? Yeah!

And the grain company.

The grain company that we work for? He owns that?

Yeah.

Well, I actually own it now. He kind of gave it to me.

Boom! Well done, Rambo. Well, sort of.

I'd much rather be working at the shipping place, to be honest.

But I sort of burnt my boats there after the er...fire.

So Dad moved me to grain, which is obviously super lame!

But at least I met you guys.

Nice mice.

The spoilt brat has the whole company.

When I was his age, I didn't even have pubes.

Really? You said he was 16?

Yeah, I was a late starter.

The point is, this kid can force Flavia to get me a new chair.

And fix the bogs, and oil that very squeaky door.

And lower the price of grain.

Er...yeah, maybe. I mean -

People are starving, Marcus. I haven't eaten bread for weeks.

I thought you were on a wheat-free diet?

Not by choice, dickhead. I can't afford it.

The grain companies are fucking us in the arse,

and expecting us to swallow it.

Yeah, that does sound bad.

It's a disgrace, and a little more urgent than a squeaky door.

You haven't heard it. It's like...

Eee-whoo-whaaargh...

But, yeah, ending starvation. I'll add that to the list.

Salve, Grumio. All right, landlord.

Obvious question - why are you licking a bag?

Oh, yeah, I got in a load of posh nosh last night.

The bag's still got salami juice on it.

Lovely, lovely. Do you fancy a dab?

No, I'll leave it for now, thanks.

Oh, no, I've still got Rambo's card.

Oh, yes! I've still got Rambo's chuffing card!

Yep, my master will like that.

Your master must be quite the foodie, sir.

Oh, he's one of the foodiest fellas you'll ever meet.

What else is good here, then?

Now, we are famed for our seafood.

You what? See food? What's 'see food'?

Fruits de mer, sir - cockles, whelks, crabs, mussels...

Them shiny pebbles? That's food, is it?

They are something of a delicacy, sir. Well, bung 'em in the bag.

And give me one of them pies with legs.

No, no!

Keep still! No, you're not even supposed to be in here.

Two points for straight in? Wicked.

And one point if it goes in off the backboard. Backboard?

Do you mean me? What are we calling this game?

How about... 'Get the ball in the jug'?

Or 'Super juggy throw throw'? Or...

Jugball?

Yes, jugball!

You're a genius! We should play every day. Make it company policy.

Right, yeah!

Brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be brilliant.

In fact, there are loads of cool changes you could make

now you're in charge, Rambo.

We could have - I dunno, comfy chairs,

working toilets, non-squeak doors...

What do you mean, 'in charge'?

If you lower the price of grain, people will buy more.

Whoa, steady on, Professor. I don't get any of that business-y shit.

I said I'd leave all that to Flavia.

He's just a dickless intern! Flavia is out of touch.

She just sits in her office getting her nails done,

while the staff get bad backs and blocked-up bogs.

Sorry, Prof. I promised my dad I wouldn't rock the boat.

I did that at the shipping company and three people drowned.

I should just keep my head down.

Sorry... Do you own the company? Big time.

Right, well, in that case, I will keep my jug still.

Sorry for calling you dickless.

Yes, congratulations, boss! Great throw!

From downtown for five points... Interception! Turnover.

Interception? Since when? Just now. He shoots...

He scores! That's eight-all.

New ball, please, Prof. Uh-huh, coming up.

We should make it doubles!

Then we'd have someone to pass to and high-five! Yes, love it!

Let's choose team-mates. Who's sporty here?

Everyone, who's good at sport?

No! Whatever it is that's happening out here, no!

And why is water boy strapped to a column?

Water man. But, yes, I completely agree. We're playing jugball.

As I say, no. You're going to the Legal Department, where I put you.

Come on, it's eight-all.

I'm sorry that this massive grain company

is getting in the way of your cretinous game, shredder.

It's not cretinous, it's brilliant!

And if you actually cared about this company,

you'd give people squeakier chairs and lower the price of toilets or whatever.

Right, guys? Yeah... Well, something like that.

OK. Well, clearly, someone's a little bit tired.

So let's go and get a nice glass of milk.

I'm not tired! You're tired.

You're tired and you're fired.

Excuse me? You're firing me?

That's right, Flave.

It's time to make way for a guy who knows what's really needed here.

Ha! You don't even know how to wipe your own bottom.

Not me, the Professor.

He's got ideas - big ones. Isn't that right, Prof?

Damn right, Rambo. I see.

In two days, you'll be begging me to come back.

Yeah?

In two days, you'll be begging us for change!

On the streets!

Yes, Prof! Rinser!

Right, let's go jugball. Everyone has to watch.

Now, that's a good chair.