The Office

Kevin Malone, you're next.

Spit that out.

Spit... Okay, come on. Let's go.

You look cute today, Dwight.

Thanks, girl.

So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot.

Which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out,

Dwight finding a drugs is more dangerous

than most people using drugs.

Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use.

Shall we ?

You tell me who this sounds like.

Slow moving.

Inattentive.

Dull.

Constantly snacking.

Shows a lack of motivation.

I like the people I work with, generally.

With four exceptions.

But someone committed a crime.

And I did not become a Lackawanna County

Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends.

And by the way, I haven't.

Episode 20 - Season 2 DRUG TESTING

I enjoy the tangy zip,

of Miracle Whip.

Jim does the best impressions.

Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk

and he'll just be someone else.

Like, he'll go...

That's supposed to be Phyllis.

I can't do it as good as he can.

And the guys are saying, "Chug chug chug."

But I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day

was one of those Auntie Annes's pretzels from the food court.

So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it ?"

And they said no. But Ryan seemed cool either way.

Stop!

This is no Kelly Kapour story hour.

Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay ?

Your ass is on the line, Mister!

My ass is on the line!

Now, I'm going to ask you again.

What time did you go home last night ?

6:00.

I didn't know you were at a party on Saturday night.

I go to a lot of parties.

Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.

I am not giving you my keys.

Don't make me do this the hard way.

What's the hard way ?

I go down to the police station on my lunch break.

I tell a police officer...

I know several.

What I may suspect you may have in your car.

He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant.

Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here

and make you give him the keys to your car.

And you will have to obey him.

Yeah, let's do it that way.

Ryan, is he bugging you ?

Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man.

It was one joint in the parking lot, you know ?

You're...you're totally harshing the office mellow.

I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.

- You are a volunteer. - I volunteered for this job.

And that's not the same.

- It is my duty... - Volunteer duty.

To investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go,

and then I will reveal what I know.

Narc!

If you are attempting to compliment me,

then you have done a very good job.

I wasn't attempting to compliment you.

Well, you have. Because being a narc

is one of the hardest jobs that you can have.

- And I am very proud of being a narc. - Why don't you just cool it ?

Cool it, Dwight, please ? God. Dude, where's my office ?

I totally lost it.

'Cause I was half...baked!

Smoking doobies!

Doobie Brothers. I was smoking doobies with my brothers.

Peace out Seacrest!

Well, your office is behind you.

Thanks.

Munchies.

Who wants some munchies ?

I don't think Michael's ever done drugs.

I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Oscar visited Mexico when he was five

to attend his great grandmother's funeral.

What does that mean

to the United States law enforcement officer ?

He'a a potential drug mule.

Have you ever taken any illegal drugs ?

No, I have not.

Do you think it's possible that

maybe you could have had some drugs in your system

without you knowing about it ?

What are you implying ?

Have you ever...

pooped...

a balloon ?

Okay, I'm done with this.

He sure left in a hurry.

I don't want to blow this.

This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of.

The chance to solve an actual crime.

Do you know what this is ?

Yes, it's marijuana.

How do you know that ?

It's labeled.

Dammit.

That, is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.

It's marijuana.

I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.

That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.

Marijuana is a memory loss drug.

So maybe you just don't remember.

I would remember.

Well, how could you if it just erased your memory ?

- That's not how it works. - Now, how do you know how it works ?

Knock it off, okay. Now I'm interviewing you.

No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview

when I walked in here.

Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke ?!

So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression.

I'd love to hear it.

Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me ?

Is that supposed to be me ?

Oh, hey, Stanley.

I was just doing an impression.

I do not think that is funny.

He does everyone in the office.

"I do not think that is funny."

Jinx, buy me a coke.

No no no. No talking.

Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke.

Those are the rules of Jinx. And they are unflinchingly rigid.

Sold out! That has never happened in the history of Jinx!

"Come on."

Sorry, that's not my problem.

I know you're innocent.

But I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.

I understand.

Where were you yesterday after work ?

Who's he calling ? Rattin' somebody out.

Narc.

Narc!

- Kevin. - That is so good, Michael.

Remember the narc bit ?

Okay, I will let them know.

- Attention everyone. - Who's in trouble ?

Drug testers are coming in a couple hours to test everyone's urine.

What ? What are you talking about ?

Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises,

there is automatic drug testing conducted within 24 hours.

Is that true, Toby ?

When you sign your job application

you agree to comply with random drug testing.

Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert...

at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center.

I had scored these great aisle seats.

Anyway, after the opening act,

this beautiful girl sits down next to me.

And I never get to meet girls with lip rings.

And she had one.

I don't know exatcly how this happened,

but one of her friends started passing around some stuff.

And they said that it was clove cigarettes.

And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes.

Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Okay, attention, everyone.

The drug testing has been cancelled.

Instead I will be going around to each of you

and doing a visual inspection.

- No, you can't do that. - I can do that. It is my office.

No, you cannot. It has to be official.

And it has to be urine.

All right.

Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking besides Rogaine ?

I'm not taking Rogaine.

Angela, what about you ?

I don't take any prescription drugs.

You're not... on... anything ?

Good.

So, the first time we went out to dinner,

it was like, whatever, fine.

But I was so nervous.

So this time I want it to be special.

So, I bought a new dress!

One of those kinds that's kind of low cut at the top

to show some things, but not everything.

I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise,

- I'm not a... - Hey guys, what's going on ?

Oh, we're just having the best conversation.

Okay, well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room.

But you know what ? We have a few minutes.

So you guys should definitely finish up your conversation.

Cool, thanks.