Rules of Engagement

"...and then the Dinky Winky Bunny asked porcupine,

"'Are you my mommy?'

"The porcupine said, 'I'm too bristly to be your mommy.

"Go ask wise owl.'

"So the Dinky Winky Bunny...

"Hop, hop, hopped over to wise owl's tree."

Hey, Jeff.

Oh, hey! I'm reading to the baby. You want to read some?

Oh, it's not really my thing.

Oh, come on. We could pick an easier book.

Oh, dagnabbit. That's a good one.

No, thanks.

The only thing I want to read is "drink responsibly"

on the side of my beer can.

Then ignore it.

Come on, just try it.

You didn't listen to classical music with us.

You won't read to her.

When are you gonna get involved with our baby?

When it's here, when we actually have one.

After it burrows its way out of this whole mess.

I think it's gonna be just like groundhog day, you know?

The baby's gonna come out, take one look at her dad, and then crawl back in.

I just don't see why you're doing all this baby stuff

when it's not even here yet.

She can hear things, can't you?

Can't you, my precious little angel?

I don't think anyone needs to hear that.

She moved.

You see? She likes it.

I'm thinking her move was...

Sir, have you by any chance

seen today's Wall Street Journal?

Ah, you know what? I'm more of a USA Today guy.

Check out this informative pie chart.

The red is winning.

That'll be all, Timmy.

No, it won't, sir.

Today's Journal has a guest column entitled,

"The influence of foreign capital

"on the New York real estate market."

Snoozer.

By Russell Dunbar.

Ah, that's me!

Give me, give me.

Yes, it is you,

despite the fact that I wrote that article

and gave it to you for feedback.

Oh, yeah. I read it. I wasn't a fan.

That'll be all, Timmy.

No, it won't, sir.

For five years, I've been toiling in obscurity,

waiting for the day when I finally get the credit I deserve.

But instead, I get this.

I give you credit all the time.

Name me one instance.

Yesterday.

I cut one in the elevator. I told everyone it was you.

It wasn't me.

Says he who denied it.

How did my article get published with your byline?

Oh, they called me and asked me if I had an editorial.

And I looked down, and yours was right in the trash.

And you just took the opportunity

to send it in as your own?

Yes, I sent it in because my assistant was nowhere to be found...

Probably loading up on fiber

for his next elevator adventure.

That will be all, Timmy.

Hey.

So, Russell,

our wedding is less than three months away.

Are you gonna let us use your house in the Bahamas

for our honeymoon or what?

Uh, have you considered my terms?

I'm not up for sharesies on our wedding night.

How about I fly in the next night?

No!

Oh, hey.

Nice editorial in the Journal by the way.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I worked really hard on it. Yeah.

Absolutely deplorable.

Look, the truth of the matter is,

is that it was not Mr. Dunbar who wrote the article.

I wrote it.

Um, I don't think so, Timmy.

This picture looks exactly like Russell.

And a little like Anne Heche.

Acclaimed actress, sexual boundary pusher...

I'll take it.

Besides, if I didn't write the article,

then why am I being asked to speak at this business seminar?

"Real estate strategies expo."

You've got to be kidding me.

I'll save you a seat, buddy.

Not going. Aw.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, buddy.

Look, I don't know how they do it where you come from...

Yeah. Okay?

But here, in this country,

we support our friends when we do something good.

He didn't do any...

Oh, yeah.

I was the one who... Here we do it.

Hey. Hey.

Jeff, Audrey's not with you?

She's up in the apartment reading to the baby.

Um, but the baby's still in Brenda.

She thinks you can bond with the baby before it's born.

Oh. Well, she's right.

You see, the final trimester...

A fetus's senses, including hearing, are almost fully developed.

I mean, they can be very receptive to outside stimulus,

So...

What? I... I read things.

All right.

I saw it on The Talk.

It's like The View, but it's on CBS.

So it can actually work?

Yeah, and it's nice that Audrey's getting a head start.

Nice?

Kid's gonna be on her side before it even comes out.

A mini Audrey. Mmm.

My worst nightmare.

It's not like you win any arguments anyway.

That's true.

Imagine a little micro Audrey next to her,

cheering her on.

"Yeah, mommy, get him!

"Cut him down! Nail him, mom."

Whoa, dude.

You looked just like Chucky when you did that.

Yeah. Youthful star of a successful film franchise...

I'll take it.

Hey, Bren.

Bren.

Hey, it's your dad, Jeff Bingham.

How's it goin'? Everything okay in there?

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

I have already set up your 529 plan.

It's a way to save for college with some nice tax benefits.

But I don't want to go to college.

I want to be a stripper!

Sorry to wake you.

I was just talking to the baby, trying to bond with it.

Oh, well, then maybe don't call her "it."

This whole thing is stupid, really.

No, it's not.

I mean, you know, everything you're saying is,

but when Audrey talks, she moves.

It's like she's responding to her voice.

All right.

She has her book. I've got mine.

O Shea can you see, the Mookie Wilson story.

Jeff, do you really think...

"Chapter one"... Okay.

So you can relax in here

until it's time for you to speak. All right.

And your speech is on the teleprompter.

All right. Not too many big words, right?

It's your article. They're all your words.

Yeah, 'cause I wrote it.

Is there anything else that I can do for you?

Actually, there is.

During my speech, I'm gonna use this laser pointer

to highlight a few specific female members of the audience.

Those are the ones I'd like to be brought back

for the after-partay.

Oh.

I guess we can arrange some sort of meet and greet

after the "Q" and "A".

The "Q" and...

"A."

Meaning?

Questions and answers with the audience.

Oh, great.

Yeah, I can ask the ladies some questions...

A little weeding out before the after-party.

I got to tell you, my process is not rigorous.

Mr. Dunbar, members of the audience

will be asking you questions.

About what?

Your article.

Oh, bummer.

Hey, tell you what... Here's an idea.

What if they don't ask me questions?

That might be fun.

Oh, we could go see the new James Bond movie at 7:40.

Would you stop that?

But you haven't caught one yet.

Yeah, because I'm not playing.

That's not your call.

Hey, Russell, what's up?

Right now?

Leave us alone, you little weasel.

Um, he says, "industrious mammal

"known for his cleverness and guile."

He'll take it.

He wants us to go be in the audience

at that place he's speaking.