2 Broke Girls

Here's your check.

Sorry about the entire experience.

Ugh.

You're gonna have to take it the rest of the way.

I slept funny last year.

You know, I happen to be a massage therapist,

and I happen to be broke, so what do you say

I get that crick out of your neck as your tip?

I miss being able to just say no.

Hold on, I have to run this by a person

who's been poor longer.

Sadly, that guy over there is offering me a massage as a tip.

Sadly-er, I'm considering it.

Sadly-est, you were here when that old woman punched me

in the breast and then asked for change, right?

We're not doing great.

There's got to be somebody doing worse than you two.

Like that guy who got left on Mars last year.

Question, girls.

I'm making a healthier menu.

Should I advertise no trans fat, or does that sound like

I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono?

Not now, Han, I have a massage scheduled.

All the stress of acting like you're working

starting to get to you?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Oh yeah.

- Yes! Yeah.

- Oh, yes! (moaning)

Yes!

Oh... yes!

Yes! Yes!

- (bell ringing) Yes, yes, yes!

I just had what she's having.

Max, are you busy right now?

- No, I'm at work. - Cool.

I'm gonna call a staff meeting.

I used to call my driver to pick up sushi during Gilmore Girls,

but now I call staff meetings at a diner.

Hey!

Only I can call staff meetings at the diner.

It's one of the perks of the job.

Well, it's the perk of the job.

Well, it's okay.

The staff meeting is about the dessert bar

Max and I are opening in our cupcake window.

If you want, Han, you can call the meeting,

but I can't imagine you'd be petty enough

to take the thrill away from Caroline.

Staff meeting!

See, this is what happens

when the mother cat refuses to lick the runt.

Okay, so I'm checking on the dessert bar assignments

I gave everyone.

Earl, did you call your cousin

at that liquor distributor about getting us a discount?

Now, why would I call him?

I owe him $10,000 and a kidney.

So that's a "not yet."

I haven't done my thing, either.

Caroline, with all your money from Hollywood,

you could pay other people to do this stuff...

and also replace the transmission on a 2012 Yaris.

We have to save all our movie money for the dessert bar.

Believe it or not, my boobs can't get us zoning permits.

But they did get us kicked out of an architect's office.

Oleg, did you talk to your connection at City Hall

about expediting our liquor license?

Yes, she told me, "Don't ever sneak into my home

through the bathroom window again."

Oh, this is rich.

Now you two see some of the hell I go through

as a small business owner.

No, you go through hell 'cause nobody wants to

see your small business.

Staff meeting over!

Small staff meeting.

Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer.

When you're at his hotel tonight,

can you ask him to look at our liquor license?

Also, could you fill an ice bucket with mini shampoos

and bring it home?

No on both counts.

You're not using Randy for legal advice.

And as for the shampoo, they switched to a pump

bolted to the wall, 'cause I was getting greedy.

Hey, Randy.

Hey, Earl.

Saw your rant on Twitter last night.

And I agree; what self-respecting Sizzler

runs out of Sprite?

I put that on Twitter?

I thought I was writing an email to my brother.

Hey there, beautiful.

Mm.

So I thought we'd try something different tonight.

You on top?

No, I'm not talking about changing

our whole power dynamic.

I'm talking about staying at your apartment.

So, you on bottom?

'Cause that's where I live.

No, really.

We're living in a fantasy world, that hotel room.

I mean, a really sexy fantasy world,

with people cleaning up after us

and a maid who knew you from high school.

Boy, was she surprised to see me naked and alive.

I know I always am.

And Max, I've been to your apartment.

It wasn't that bad.

Uh, okay, fine. We can stay at my place.

But it's BYOC.

Bring your own carbon monoxide detector.

Well, here we are.

Slum, sweet slum.

She says that every time she walks in here.

It's usually to scare the crack addict out of our kitchen.

Allen, are you here?

All right, well, this is it.

What do you want to do now?

We usually go to sleep so death comes sooner.

You guys, I can handle an apartment.

Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble,

and Adam's apple confuse you; I am, in fact, a man.

Coming up straight ahead is the kitchen.

But I don't have to tell you that.

You can smell the gas.

Fun fact: those paper towels you see aren't actually paper,

but they do cause cancer.

Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper?

No, the Grim Reaper comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Hey, girls.

And Randy. Oh.

Someone's been taking his handsome pills.

Well, they make them in chewable now.

Makes it a lot easier.

Oh, Randy's here?

Hey, hey, hey, bro.

We should hang upstairs later.

We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies.

It's not delivery; it's DiPorno.

That's a hard no.

Girls, we need to store some stuff in your place.

Oleg and I are baby-proofing our apartment.

My mom baby-proofed our house for me.

She put a club on the steering wheel.

So in this duffle bag, I have...

He's opening it!

Randy, close your eyes!

Relax.

It's just swords

and sex toys.

Oh, I think one of them's both.

Are you referring to sex-calibur?

Oh, I love this one.

This is the sword we used

when we were playing Bonan the Barbarian.

And you know what?

It's good to give to the less sexually fortunate.

Yeah.

The sex toys are for you, Caroline.

I'm good, I had a massage.

Hiya!

What are you doing?

This is how all the great ninjas eat their bagels.

Where's Randy?

Did he go back to the land of not-expired milk,

and not-expired honey?

No, he's stronger than I thought.

Much like that little person I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.

I love it here.

I just took the grayest shower of my life.

Did you just say "grayest" or "greatest"?

No, I said gray.

I was being kind.

It was brown.

All right, well, come on, your sword bagel is ready.

God, I do miss having sex.

Also, what is the deal with...

Oh! God! Oh!

Ugh, I just stepped on something painful.

Really painful!

Is there a nail sticking up through the floor?

Oh no, he stepped on Nail Patrick Harris!

Oh, I forgot to warn you about that stupid nail.

It's been there forever. I just know to avoid it by now.

Everyone does; that's why we named it

"Nail Patrick Harris."

Are you okay?

You look like you're in a lot of pain.

Do you want to roll the dice

with one of the pills in the couch?

I'm fine. It's not that bad.

Okay, well lift up your foot. Let me see.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!