Eddie Izzard: Sexie

So, Eastbourne. Hey, you crazy motherfuckers.

I used to go to school here, this is the school uniform that we wore

and kind of funky it was, too.

OK, I'd better explain the tits. Erm...

Didn't have those at school - wanted to, but not in the school curriculum,

even though I asked.

Didn't really - would have got my head kicked in. Oh, yes, sir.

Erm, er... So, the breasts thing - as a transvestite, it's my job, right?

Just wearing breasts. That's it. There's nothing... Don't get hung up about it.

When I first came out, I was with breasts, mit breasts as the Germans say.

Avec breasts, con breasts...

Being a European, I know these languages.

That's the first thing I say whenever I get to France, Germany and Spain...

or South America even.

Um, but I was with... It didn't seem to work.

Not matter how much make-up or how high the heels, people said, "Yes, sir?

"Would you like tea with that, sir?"

"Yes, I would. Why don't you put it on my breasts?"

"Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts. Anything else?"

"Just fuck off, will you?"

So I thought, "It's not working."

I threw my beasts out of the window of my Lamborghini...

in my mind.

I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta...

in my mind.

Actually, I threw them over the handlebars of my bicycle.

And they hit a small child

who ran home, "Mum! I've been attacked by jellyfish.

"Jellyfish drive-by shooting.

"It's just like South Central LA." "Huh?"

"Jellyfish attacked me!" "Where are the tentacles?"

"Probably burned up on re-entry.

"Probably from Mars, Mum. Can I keep them and shove them up my jumper?"

So I was sans breasts, ohne breasts or whatever the other one is

and then I thought, "No, I have breast envy."

Freud wrote about penis envy, which I don't understand, actually.

I'm sort of penis neutral.

Penis... What's not envy and then... What's the opposite of envy?

What? What?

What? Ambivalent? Yes, very good.

Envy? Penis ambivalence? Yes. Very nice.

Well done, Eastbourne. A bit more voice but good. What?

- I'm Welsh! - You're Welsh? Fantastic! That's great.

I'm European. I know that causes...

And so are you. We all...

There'll always be a China

Now, so... Ambivalent and Welsh,

I don't know how they go together but very good heckle.

I have penis ambivalence. Thank you.

Or is there one in the middle? I have penis nonchalance really.

I'm very nonchalant about my penis. I try and wear a pair of trousers occasionally

or a skirt or whatever, and don't just wave it at the vicar.

It seems to throw him.

On... In... On his Lamborghini. In his Lamborghini...

Fucked that up.

That's the trouble with ad-libbing, you can fuck up. It's danger.

You've got an element of danger and nonchalance

or ambivalence

or penis.

There's four sides to it. It's one of those things you get at school.

..ambivalence.

Lamborghini.

I used to do those! I can't remember what... Who you would kiss, I seem to remember.

And only certain people knew how to make them and they were wizards.

They could command things.

"I tell you must die." "Oh, fuck."

And it's passed down, like the ability to make paper aeroplanes,

that gets passed down.

I know how to make a really good one, probably taught that up the road,

a very good model aeroplane.

I think it was there.

Might have been Wales cos I was in Wales. I've been everywhere.

Very well-travelled when I was a kid. My dad said, "Go. Go where you want."

"I'm going to Wales, Dad."

I did. I did, I cycled to Wales.

From here. From Bexhill.

OK.

I did and got all the way there and on the way back I got bored and took a train.

That's me, the crowds were smaller and, what's the point...

That's too weird that joke, isn't it?

That's too nonchalant-slash-ambivalent

slash-penis-slash-ooh-painful.

Erm...

Don't laugh like that, please.

What the hell...? The breast thing!

So then I thought, "I'll go back and get some breasts."

So I went to the breast shop, which is in your local high street,

"Pair of your finest breasts." It's like that scene in Harry Potter, with John Hurt.

"Why not a pair of these?"

"Yeah

"I think not those breasts, Mr John Hurt."

"Maybe the double-Ds would suit you?"

So that was good and they do have advantages.

I hear you scream, "What advantages?" Silently.

For guys with tits, you lose weight immediately.

Your chest is bigger and you have this concave thing going on,

quite apart from the fucking corset.

And people go, "You've lost weight!" "No, I've got big tits."

"Ahhh. Thought it was a haircut or something."

So that's good. You can pull your boobs out and strap them round your ears in a plane,

with a bandage, cuts the noise down.

"Sorry? Beg your pardon?"

There's always a child crying on an aeroplane, it's the law now.

Even if there's no child crying, they go, "Who's got children?"

"Right, come on." "I don't wanna go!

"I don't wanna go to Denver!" "You're coming to Denver.

"Sit there. Keep crying."

"If you stop, I'll use the fork."

If you've been on a plane, no knives any more.

Just that plasticky knife, which seems a bit sharp to me.

But the fork, a metal, lethal weapon. No one could do any harm with that.

If they stuck a fork in your jugular, you'd be, "Fine, thank you!

"No, no real pain. There's a..."

Zzzz. ..

"..lack of blood problem."

The forks, they'll go soon.

There'll just be a spoon and people will be attacking us with spoons.

Then they'll take the spoon away and it'll just be cheese.

"The cheese things..."

We do get crap meals on planes.

To an extent, you get on and you start... It all becomes so precious.

"Ohhh...the cheese!

"The salad! Oh, the salad."

And the little individual thing in your...

"Can I have more?

"More nibbly? Only one packet? They're very small nibblies.

"40 minutes in the air with a small packet? I can eat 100 of these fuckers. More!

"I've paid to come on the plane. I want more nibblies than this.

"I've got an allergy to them and I still want them."

Remember nuts? We ate nuts like crazy then they went, "No nuts,"

cos people exploded or something.

Breasts, you've heard of breast implants? These are not implants.

They're nice and squidgy. They're ims but they're not planted.

They're just ims, your regular, common or garden ims.

And, er... You've heard, on a plane, that implants explode?

And that is...true, it happened to me.

Over 30,000 feet, you find...

"Yeah, I know what you mean..."

"Sorry about this."

Bong!

"Yes, my left breast has...exploded.

"Have you got a pillow or...?

"Oh...and some more nibbly things?"

But then you got one L-cup boob and a D-cup boob and you get a lot of looks.

I already get a lot of looks.

By the end, I've got the fork...

Bong.

"Another pillow."

You go off with the biggest tits in Christendom,

as the Crusaders used to say.

Now, that all went wrong, the Crusaders.

They went down... "What a mess!"

Thank God for Saladin, eh?

It's very 13th century, that joke.

Or should I say 1200s?

Isn't that just the bane of history?

When they say 13th century, you haven't got a clue what they're talking about.

If they say 13th century, it's nothing to do with the 1300s

but you immediately go into slow motion.

"In the 13th century, King Dingle Dang exploded his bottom..."

You're going, "13th century, so that's not the 1300s, it's the 12..."

"And King Dingle Dangle then invaded his own buttocks..."

"..14th, it's either the 12th or the 14th...

"We have to go back to the naughth century and that's the first century..."

"..then he went to China and bought a packed lunch."

"So it must be the 1200s! What?"

My idea, radical as it may be, is to say if it's the 1200s, it's the 12th century.

Why the fuck not?

Then loads more people would sign up for history.

Everyone would go, "I wanna do history! Tell me, who was Saladin?

"Did he do salads? Is it a cooking programme?"

Should be funnier. OK...

He was doing Islamic cooking jokes, for fuck's sake.

I ad-libbed it as well.

Why am I writing on my finger?

No one cares.

But, all that's true and the other thing and that proves some of my theories.

Erm... Where the fuck was I? What was I talking about?

Breasts! Yes, I know generally. How far down the breast line...

Yes! Exploding in aeroplanes. True, true, true. Except for the lies.

Now... Also, you can grab your boobs - I haven't seen women do this -

when you're talking to officials, I find it very...

"What? How fast was I going?

"I don't even have a car.

"70mph on a scooter's very tricky."

Or bank managers. "I think £400 is not a lot to ask for.

"Don't you think it's not a lot?"

Bank manager's going, "Yes, there's a million pounds.

"Get out of it, you big-breasted boy."

And also, I have decided to associate with superheroes

because we like superheroes, we have a human thirst for superheroes.

We have the X-Men, the Y-Men, the B-Men, the C-Men...

No, probably not them.

Spider-Man, Superman, Catman, Batman, Dogman, Frogman.

Elephant Man - not a superhero.

Less in the girls' department - there's Wonder Woman

and there's Supergirl and Catwoman, she's sexy.

Fit women in tight clothing, there should be more of that.

As a male lesbian, I'm totally in flavour of that.

So that's now, superheroes, and it goes all the way back to the Greeks.