Caligula and Messalina (Caligula et Messaline)

It won't be long before the cool waters

of tivoli spout from the fountains in Caesar's gardens

- another glorious achievement for our divine ceasar

hero of the battlefields.

Watch your tongue baronius.

Caligula has eyes and ears everywhere.

So be careful, you could lose your head.

- Only the other day, he exclaimed in the circus,

"I only wish that people had one head."

And he made the unfortunate one telus,

maintain his promise to exchange his life

for the health of his emperor.

- And don't forget, he had his cousin, gemellus,

tortured to death because his breath smelled of medicine.

Ceasar was offended thinking he had taken it to protect

himself against his emperor.

And the poor man had only taken a cure for his cough.

He had no chance to prove his innocence.

- They say he practices incest with his own sisters.

- And I've also heard it said that he wanted his favorite

horse lncitatus made a senator for life.

We'd better get back to guard duty.

Don't forget there's a banquet tonight at the palace.

No one else makes me feel like you do.

Why must you lie?

You say the same thing to drusilla I know.

She told me.

Your sister's not to be trusted.

She told livilla too.

- That's the reason our little sister's jealous.

She's still very young.

Perhaps, but she's developing fast.

The other day I saw her masturbating your horse,

after I nominated him senator

all the patrician women in Rome want to become mares.

Wouldn't you like to be one?

- I don't want you to go with the others anymore.

I'm your mare and you're my stallion.

Love me my brother, my emperor.

I drink to your health divine Caesar

and your lovely sisters.

What causes you such mirth divine one?

- The mere thought that I could have all these people

put to death in an instant

strikes me as extremely amusing.

Don't you find it a hilarious idea?

Let me smell your breath macronious.

I took some medicine for my throat.

You smell like a skunk.

You dare to use an antidote against Caesar?

Not very respectful of you.

Take him away.

I meant no offense have mercy on me.

I want for macronious punished.

For offending his emperor and his emperor's sisters.

An unpardonable crime, have him executed.

No, I beg you, I have done nothing.

You drive me insane with desire

I'll come to you tonight drusilla.

- Come now, tonight we have other business to attend to.

Ohmwmw.

Do you need any help dearest sister?

- Is calisto's weapon not enough to satisfy you livilla?

Agrippina tells me he has more to offer

than any man in the empire.

- Our dear brother's stallion beats him by hand.

Only the senator can beat me.

- Claudius tiberius drusus germanicus, why do you sleep?

- Was only resting caligula, but call me uncle claudius.

All those other, other names don't mean anything.

- Aren't you ashamed roveling like that at your age?

I'm very, very tired.

The destruction of carthage has worn me out.

The destruction of carthage indeed.

Wear yourself out down there.

Are you enjoying yourself, sister?

Halt

- let me pass I have an urgent message for Caesar.

Ave, where do you come from messenger?

-Ave I bring news to the emperor from Germany.

Let him pass.

- Make way I bring news to Caesar from distant lands!

It's a message for the emperor.

I wonder what it could be.

Make way for the imperial messenger

Greetings divine emperor of all Rome.

- I trust you are the bringer of good news.

- Ah, with that I were, the tidings are sad.

Lentulus has betrayed you during his struggle with the huns.

Go on, I would hear of it.

Oh Caesar,

there seems to be a plot against you.

Who plots against

- your sister, drusilla and - bring him wine

I'll see to it at once.

Now you shall drink to my health.

Curius?

At your command.

- Go with the praetorian guard and arrest every member

of the families of the Lentulus and lepidus

together with their slaves.

- Your orders will be carried out within the hour ceasar.

Murder them all!

Speak

No.

Provolonus will loosen

your tongue for you.

No no

you've got to turn that faster than that

or I'll get angry.

Now, I want the names of all those involved

in the plot against our emperor or you'll be dead.

I don't care.

I'll never tell you.

You have no right to talk to me like this.

You know who I am, I'm lepidus.

First console of Rome.

- Why should I care about the first console of Rome?

As far as I'm concerned, you're just a filthy traitor.

Faster!

He won't speak.

Well it's better, his loss is our gain.

After you have tortured him to death.

Macaronious, curius, come.

How does your emperor look from that position?

- Is this the way you repay those who helped you

build your empire?

I almost forgot you were the one

who suffocated the divine tiberius with a cushion.

Killing your old uncle in such a barbarous fashion

was a reprehensible thing to do.

Curius?

At your service ceasar.

- I want you to slit this murderer's throat.

And remember when you do it, it must be done slowly.

I want him to suffer.

Hmm

- I don't wish you to suffer lepidus, drink this.

You think I'm a fool?

I knew that the messenger was eluding to you.

Alluding to me?

Could you think anything like that?

What reason would I possibly have?

Perhaps drusilla has a reason.

She wants her new husband to be emperor.

She is more than a little ambitious, but why me?

I'm already first lady of the empire.

- Because you want the empire for your son,

- a child who still sucks from a slaves nipples,

leave little nero out of it.

You see conspirators hiding in every corner of the palace

and have anybody you suspect

put to death on some feeble excuse.

- The more you kill, the fewer enemies you have.

- With lepidus and macronious out of the way,

who is there left to fear?

No one at all.

But I should have drusilla killed and you.

However, I will send you into exile in caprine

for the time being.

You must understand if only for appearances sake,

I have to send you away, I have to.

- I'm grateful for your leniency, it's most generous.

Try to be the same with the populace.

They love you and respect you.

No, don't ask me that.

As long as there are enemies of Caesar hidden everywhere.

I want them.

If it means putting the city to the torch, every inch of it.

But why?

He's so inhuman.

He is Caesar, it's all predestined.

You can't change it.

So stop worrying about it.

You are soon to follow the will of the gods

and fulfill the prophecy.

Once his sisters are on caprine in exile,

your way will be free to become empress.

How can I come to caligula's notice?

- Leave the arrangements to me dear, trust in your mother.

I know one way.

He'll want everyone in Rome to forgive him

for this massacre.

So he'll give them a spectacle.

It's the patrician way to placate the fury of the mob.

And you will be the first woman

to fight a gladiator and win.

Why else do you suppose I taught you how to do battle?

And when you were only a baby I gave you

your first lessons in love making.

- By order of Caesar, glorious ruler of the Roman empire

and the population

after the punitive measures taken

for the plot against his divine person.

- There is going to be a free distribution of grain

at the end of the combat in the circus.

Come on

Oh they adore me, just for my amusement,

they'll sacrifice their lives.

- Will be thumbs down this time, what do you say?