Confessions of a Window Cleaner

Hi, I'm Timmy Lee. It is My first day of cleaning windows.

Ever thought about window cleaners ?

They spend their days looking into hundreds of little boxes,

many of which have got people in. sorts of people.

That's me ! What about that physique, eh ?

A bit Steve McQueen, isn't it ?

Yes. No wonder the birds go crazy for me.

Favourite gear a white nylon T-shirt.

Because when you wet it, you can press it up against the window.

And then give them a little smile.

Well, nice for the old ones. Makes all sort of Remembrance Day.

Still, you can't expect to go potty on your first day, can you ?

Cor, cop a load of that, eh ? What a knocker factory !

She's obviously a pushover for my brand of animal magnetism.

Piss off !

Whoops ! Lost my balance.

And my bucket.

Some of the things you see are quite an education.

I mean, just look at that shower ! But may, they're big for their age.

They're also Mg for my age.

But all this was nothing to what I saw in a shop down the high street.

It all started with a little bit of window undressing.

I 'vo heard of your work gelling on lop of you, but not you gelling on lop of your work !

What a diabolical way to start a new career.

Flat on me back, staring up blokes' trouser legs.

And along comes this bird. If it hadn't been for her, I might have jacked it in right away.

Because she awoke in me deep-rooted feelings of sensilivily and delicacy

I never knew ! had. Never knew I could say.

In fact, one look at Elizabeth and I fell like a pal ! of lead knickers.

She was the type of girl you say, "Please, may I ? before you give her one.

A card, I mean.

Because Sid did promise me a piece of the action with any new customers. Cori

Wouldn't have minded a place of her action.

What are you trying to do, ruin me ?

One broken window, one bucketed traffic warden

threatening to sue, and now you tell me you lost your squeegee.

I must've dropped it under the crowd. And that’s another thing.

I pay you to clean windows.

If you wanna lie on the floor and look up skirts, you do it in your own time, right ?

But I told you, it was shock. They were having it off in the window.

So ? Have you got a sax hang-up or something ?

Ho, but I thought she had three legs.

Look, Timmy boy, in our business you've got to be Immune from shocks,

especially from birds, three-legged or one-legged.

As long as they are satisfied customers ...

they bring in new ones.

Hey, I met a real knockout this morning.

Fabulous face, fantastic body, legs right up to her armpits.

- What about her windows ? - Windows ?

Oh, I gave her a card.

It’s no good just chatting up dolly birds.

You've gotta grease the old hags too.

It’s not all Raquel Welch pulling you onto her dumplings, you know.

Christ, what also did you do ?

Hello. As we were passing, I just thought I'd stop and see If you were all right.

These falls can sometimes have delayed affects.

Oh, yes. I mean, no !

Thank you, I'm all right.

Fine. Well, I have to get back on patrol now. Good night.

What's all that, then ? It was her.

Who ? The bird, I told you.

Have you gone stark raving bonkers, trying to chat up female fuzz ?

I didn't know who she was. But I don't care, Sid. Oh, Isn't she a knockout ?

Oh, yeah, you picked the right word, boy.

What I wouldn't do for her.

Well, I'm more worried about what you wouldn't do for my customers.

What do you mean, eh ?

I mean, I've got to he sure, If some bird offers to squeeze out your chamole,

you don't go retracting your ladder !

Christ, anyone would think I was a bloody virgin

I do. And so does Rosie.

What does she know, eh ?

Sisters always know.

I don't know what you're on about. Responsibilities, that’s what.

You taking over some of mina.

I mean, with Roeie pregnant, I feel it’s only proper I should cut it out for a while.

Window cleaning ?

Not cleaning, you hark !

Servicing, keeping the customers happy.

Oh. Anything I can do, Sid ?

Yeah, well, that’s what worry me. Can you do ?

Oh, come off it, Sidi

Never mind 'Come off it.' Have you ever been on it ?

Of course I have !

Yeah ? I don't reckon you could dip your tassel in a fire bucket without instructions.

Vary funny, Sid.

All right, Timmo. After dinner, you and me are going out.

What for ?

To get a professional opinion.

Mind you, I didn't like it to admit it, but Sid was right.

My sex wife held as much sensation as a concrete contraceptive.

In fact, I could describe myself as the walking answer to contraception.

I don't do It !

With me, it’s more a can of good kiss, good fool and good night.

Now I will say ! Sid.

I mean, he really deserved the Queen's Award for Industry.

Oh, God. I don't know why your old man works in the lost property off too.

Might just as well move the whole lot here !

Dad's working on it.

I wouldn't mind If he nicked something worthwhile.

- That you, boys ? - Yes, Mum.

- How did it all go, dear ? - Oh, fina, Mum.

You could say it was a great day in the history of British window cleaning.

Oh, that’s nice. Rosie could hardly wait for you to get hack.

Oh, that’s nice too.

Yeah, she's been dreaming about that chocolate fudge all day.

Oh, Sidney, you didn't forget it ?

She told you she'd got a craving for chocolate fudge.

Yeah, well, I know. I'm sorry. I forgot.

Sidney ! Hera, love !

Eh ! And how's little earth mother tonight, eh ?

I'm starving. He forgot it.

You didn't.

Sorry, love, it slipped me mind. I'll go after dinner. The nawngant stocks it.

One little thing. I ask you to do one little thing

I'm sorry, Rosie, love. It’s not the end of the world. I'll go now.

I don't want it now !

All right, I won't go And got it now !

Rosie, all I want to do is make you happy.

Than pie off. Rosie

Yes, uh ... Well, I think I'll have a wash before the thieving magpie gets home.

Timmy, I won't have you talking Like that.

Your father never takes anything that anyone wants.

Not even us.

It’s time I forked the potatoes.

Rosie, love, I said I was sorry, but with Timmy and everything, I had a lot on my mind today.

Oh, I'll but And not only on your mind.

Don't he Like that.

My friends get around too, you know.

They saw a lot of your ladder, but not so much of you.

Rosie, sometimes I've got to he sociable.

You don't think I Like drinking all them cups of tea, do you ?

It's part of holding up the business, Rosie.

I'm doing it all for you, love.

Oh, all right. I'll forgive you.

That's a girl.

But watch it, because, Sidney Noggett,

one extramarital and I'll cut it off.

Don't answer it.

They've probably come about the tally.

- Isn't it working ? - Yes.

Dad won't pay the instalments. He can't got colour.

I keep telling him It's a black-and-white set !

It is Dad.

So, what's the matter with his key ?

He’s got his arms full.

Oh, God. More colourful crap.

Hera !

Harpoon it yourself, did you ?

Ha, bloody ha.

Oh, God.

It was left on the Pullman Express. Look nice over the fire, won't it ?

Look better on it. Who asked for your opinion ?

Now, don't you two start.

Hang on ! I've got some rights here ! As a regular rant-payer"

Rent ? It don't even pay our window cleaner.

Give over, Dad. Sid’s told you why he doesn't do our windows.

Right. It’s had to bring your work home. It only causes trouble.

You can't clean your own, Like a psychiatrist never treats his own family

I don't interfere in your business,

so don't try to tell me what to do with my moon.

Oh, come on, Dad. I was only kidding.

I think he’s great. Do you ?

Sure. We'll call him Clearance.

Clearance ?

Good evening, Clearance. What do you think of Dad ?

- 'I think he’s a stupid old git.' You think - he’s a stupid old git ? That's funny ...

Well, I still think you're nothing but a no-good spongar.

Now, Your dad didn't mean it. Say you're sorry, Dad.

All right. I'm sorry.

He eh ! he’s sorry, Rush.

It’s not him

- Well, I told I was sorry. - It’s not you !

Well, what is it, dear ?

That bloody thing is leering at me !

Don't do that ! You'll break his antlers !

Yes, but what's this 'professional opinion' bit ?

You're not taking me to the doctor, are you ?

Lil's not a doctor, but she's certainly a specialist.

Who's Lil ?

My vary obliging second-removed cousin, Lily Lamour.

The biggest sensation since natural gas.

I can't get it on right.

What's it like tonight ?

Four men and a dog. Ouch !

Hope nobody’s decent ! Evening, pussycats

Hello, darling. How are you ?

Good show tonight, girls. Hello, love, how are you ? Hi, Lil.

And to what do we owe this royal visit ?

I need help, Lil.

What ? Have you worn it out ?

No, not me.

This is for the family. I'd Like you to meet my brother-in-law Timmy.

Please, Sid ...

HI, Timmy. HI.

Baby dolls, please. Baby dolls.

So, what's the problem ?

Well, there's been a slight gap in Timmy’s education.

Yes, but I don't want to fill it here.

You're not hunt, are you ?