Jim Gaffigan: King Baby

Yeah!

Thank you.

Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

I just do this for an hour. Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

"That was the worst show I've ever seen.

I paid over $40.

After the service fee, it was 90."

Convenience charge?

Convenient way to rip us off.

He's like Pearl jam.

He's taking on the man.

Hey, wait a minute. He looks like the man.

He's kind of pudgy. Maybe he ate the man.

I don't even know what man we're talking about.

I thought he'd be paler.

At least as pale as that cd

where he looks like a pedophile.

Well, he was good in "capote."

How large is his head?

Is he storing another head inside of there?

He could be a mascot.

He could be a mascot for the mormons.

I'm already sick of this voice.

When's he gonna start cracking it?

It is great to be here in Austin.

Thank you for coming out.

Great to be here.

I've had so much fun here.

I have. I went bowling.

I don't mean to brag.

Really, there are two types of people that go bowling.

There are people that really really love bowling,

and then there are people that are like,

"wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling?"

'Cause for most of us

bowling is the activity you do

after you've done everything else.

It's like, "well, we could go bowling"

or we could just hang ourselves.

"Why don't we go bowling?"

No one is ever jealous when they hear you went bowling.

"Oh, you went bowling? Glad I couldn't make it."

Bowling's great.

You got to love a sport you can eat while you play it.

Never see that in tennis. "Hey, before you serve,

let me dig into these nachos."

It's a different sport.

There's an ashtray built into the bowling equipment.

Poker doesn't even have that.

And that hand

if you're sweating while you're bowling,

you're out of shape.

And if you're out of shape and you're bowling,

you're probably a professional bowler.

There's nothing really healthy about bowling.

It has to be the germaphobe's nightmare.

"Here, put on these moist shoes 10,000 people wore

and stick your fingers in these dirty holes.

Now you have the flu."

How dirty are those holes?

It's not like those balls wear out.

They probably haven't manufactured a bowling ball

in 1,000 years.

Someone's out there is using Fred flintstone's right now.

That is preposterous.

I don't own a bowling ball

'cause I'm not a weirdo.

"Yeah, I want to volunteer to carry around a 50-lb ball.

Can you put it in a big ugly purse?

That's how I want to meet the ladies."

"Oh, couldn't help but notice you staring at my purse.

It's filled with a big blue ball.

Mind if I follow you around the parking lot?

I'll just be humming."

That's the worst song ever.

I always have to pick out my bowling ball.

I can never find the right one.

I'm like, "this one is too heavy.

This one is good, but it's pink.

And my fingers don't fit."

How do they decide on those finger sizes?

They're either for a five-year-old girl

or the incredible hulk.

How big are some people's fingers?

Some guy wearing a catcher's mitt?

"Yeah, it's good.

I can still catch the game. Don't worry about it."

Those bowling shoes, no update there.

"You need our special shoes

before you can roll our magic ball."

Some people have their own bowling ball

and their own bowling shoes and no friends.

That's mean.

I can say that 'cause I like bowling.

I watch bowling on TV,

'cause I use my time wisely.

I saw this college-team championship.

Each team had their own coach.

What kind of strategy advice

is a bowling coach giving?

"You know what? This time, Timmy,

I want you to knock down all the pins."

"Are you sure?" "Trust me.

Just do it, son!"

That's weird.

Bowling seems silly,

yet we all take it very seriously, right?

Till we get that first gutter ball we're like,

"let me show you how it's done."

"This is a stupid sport."

There's few moments in life

as humiliating as that gutter ball.

The worst part is then you have to make

that turn back to your friends.

"That ball's broken.

It's tilted down there."

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group

'cause everyone treats you like you have cancer.

"You can do it."

"We're praying for you."

The advice starts: "Use a heavier ball.

Keep your arm straight. You should get a vasectomy."

If you're really bad at bowling like me,

they'll ask if you want the bumpers up.

It's not like bowling's that complex anyway.

"You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins.

Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

But I like bowling. It's perfect for the lazy man.

No other sport has a machine

that rolls the ball back to you

at arm level.

"All right, I'll keep playing.

Is there any way I can do this in a chair or something?"

'Cause I am a lazy man.

I love doing nothing.

Which is not good when you're busy.

You ever have so much to do

so you just decide to take a nap?

"Maybe some elves will come in here and do this crap.

I think I saw that once in a movie."

I struggle with my laziness.

"Should I sit down and do nothing

or should I lie down and do nothing?"

You'd think lazy people like me

would've been weeded out by natural selection.

I can't imagine someone like me in pioneer times.

"I really got to harvest those crops

or my eight kids aren't gonna make it through winter.

I'll have other kids.

I've got to get back to staring at the barn.

"Maybe I'll read the Bible for the 10th time."

It's fun doing nothing.

But if you do nothing for too long,

the most menial task is exhausting.

"I actually have to point the remote control?

What is this, the '50s?

Can't I just look at the TV

and it'll know what I want to watch?"

You ever been watching TV for a couple of hours

and you suddenly lose the remote?

"I haven't even gotten up."

I don't remember throwing it.

"Well, looks like I'm watching this infomercial."

We all have the same attitude on infomercials.

"Who's watching this crap?"

Then three minutes later, "that's a good point."

Maybe I need a knife that can cut a penny.

Too bad my phone is on the other side of the room.

"I need a remote for my phone."

I think you know you're addicted to TV

when the battery in the remote goes out

and you replace it with the battery from the smoke alarm.

"Hey, I only smoke in bed anyway.

You'll wake me up, remote, won't ya?"

Remember when the remote was three buttons?

Now it's like an honors math calculator.

"Just trying to find vh1, not split an atom."

I watch too much.

I don't understand the people who don't like TV.

"I just prefer reading."

"Have you watched television?

It's way better.

There's pictures, there's sound.

And most importantly, no reading."

I don't even know what people did before television.

That must have been horrible.

Even in those old-time photos of people gathered around the radio,

they're always looking at the radio like,

"I can't wait until they invent the TV.

This era sucks."

Why were they even looking at the radio?

Were they that bored?

"Maybe it'll turn into a TV."

That's weird.

I just prefer the easy way in life. I do.

I see an escalator, I get excited.

I'm like, "sweet! All I've got to do is keep my balance."

People look so bored on escalators.

They're always like...