Lopez

Step on it, Manolo.

I hate being late.

I am stepping on it.

Chebby's acting funny.

Thank you for coming in.

Yeah, we wanted to sit you down in person

and let you know that the Vegas residency

is looking very, very good.

With this Chebby deal, you have been really expanding your demo, mister.

Well, I didn't know Chebby had a demo,

but that... that's great.

And I don't usually pat myself on the back,

but I must say that putting you in that roast

was a real genius move on my part.

- It's blowing up, man. - I mean...

You know, the Live+7s are through the roof.

That's what we call the ratings

for people are at home, watching on their DVRs

within a week.

You do realize I've had several TV shows, right?

- Of course we do, yeah. - Yes.

And I have actually been fielding a lot of phone calls about TV for you.

Oh, about a new show?

No, so just interest in re-running the first one.

Oh. Well, you know what?

That roast only went viral because every comedian in town

was, like, just tearing me apart, and all I had

to defend myself with were those stupid robot jokes.

Yeah, but all news is good news.

- They do say that. - What? What does that mean?

Okay, listen; I have to write a new act

whether I get Las Vegas or not.

Oh, you're getting Vegas.

And your new material is gonna blow everyone away.

But, you know, I don't have anything yet, because...

you know, there's so much pressure

that I haven't had a chance to write anything.

Then what the hell are you doing wasting time talking to us?

- Get out there and go write! - You called me in.

Hey, but... hey. I'm here if you need me.

Okay. All right. Thanks.

- We believe, George. - Yeah, yeah.

You think you guys could tweet something positive about me?

You know, that can get traction?

Like, you know, when I go feed old people at that house?

- Yeah, we're on it, for sure. - Okay.

Could something positive ever get traction?

Never.

A whole new act.

That's... that's tough, dude.

I mean, you have to write that from experience,

but what's so funny

about people being pissed off at you all the time?

- Nothing. - That's right, nothing.

You know, everybody did or said something funny

the whole time I was married,

but now that I need something, nothing.

How come you guys never do or say anything funny anymore?

We do.

Maybe you're just too preoccupied to even notice.

Political acts are good.

Maybe you do more politics.

Trump's an ass.

But, hey, everyone's got one, right?

We're gonna be late.

People have water bottles.

They always carry water.

You know, I don't remember being thirsty all day.

What's gonna happen if you don't drink water all day? Ha!

Damn, that's...

The grocery store, cookies...

That's not gonna work. Riding a bike in traffic.

This is stupid. I can't do it.

Why'd they used to be so easy? Cell phones. Text.

People don't even talk on cell phones anymore.

They only... they text.

This is sh... that is crap, man.

That is stupid. Oh!

None of this is any good.

Stephen, I'm trying to get some work done in here.

Yeah, yeah.

George, you know, you and I are the type of friends

that have had our ups and downs, right?

But that's what makes it real, right?

I don't know. I just love how you have time to think of that stuff.

Yeah, I need you to keep an eye on my house for me.

All right. Uh, you and Mrs. Stephen going on a trip?

I think Lauren is sleeping with someone.

Oh, man, I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't... didn't know.

Yeah, just... I just need you to keep an eye on my house, man,

see who's destroying my marriage, you know?

- I just... I don't want to... Ugh! - All right, I'll do that.

But right now, I'm working. I have to write a whole new act.

Oh, yeah? Why? They don't think your stuff is funny?

I thought that... that's the whole point, you know,

that unfunny humor is what's in now.

Mm. That's funny.

All right, okay. Let me get back at it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay?

Right, right, right.

Right, yeah.

Hey. You got stuff to...

I'm with you, man.

Staying in there, okay?

It's a tough time for somebody to go through that.

I got you.

Too much.

I think I'm a little woozy.

A little help, George? I'm...

Uh, I'm gonna be sick.

Ah.

Take that and get out of here.

Where to, jefe?

I don't know. Just get me out of here.

I know; take me to my land.

I'll call Alita.

Finally had to get the hell out of my house.

Oh, I thought we'd be further along on construction.

You know what I should do? Just set a desk out here,

get some work done during the day.

You know, if your neighbor gets divorced

and you play it right, you get three sales out of it.

Listen, original house plus two new ones,

one for each of them.

We should have them over for dinner before it gets ugly.

So Stephen hired you as a private detective?

No, he just wants me to catch his wife with some guy.

Wait a minute, yeah. He kind of did hire me as a private detective.

Mexican "Magnum, P.I."

Oh, like a "Simón y Simón."

You know, I don't think there has been

a Latino private detective show.

I should do that, an hour. That'd be very cool.

- I like it. - They're animals!

Filthy animals!

We need to build a higher wall

and have gun slits across the cap bricks.

Come, come, come, come. Come.

Guns slits? What the hell's he talking about?

I don't know.

"Lopez go home"?

But this is my home.

Maybe it's not to you.

There are a lot of Lopezes around here.

Oh, so that's what we'll call them

so we don't get in trouble?

You know how to show the Lopezes you don't get scared?

A checkpoint.

Sawhorses, couple of guys, some razor wire.

It sets up in an hour. One call.

I guess people are upset you decided not to build a water park.

Okay, I didn't decide not to build a water park.

I was never building a water park!

George Lopez!

I was gonna paint that, but I decided to wait

and say it to your face.

Yeah, maybe you're just too lazy

to go to the store and get some paint,

actually do some work.

- Do I need this? - Isn't this good?

Because comedy comes from pain, and this has got to hurt.

All right, now I got to go try and sell a murder house to someone.

Having to disclose that to buyers sucks.

- Bye, Arton. - Hey.

Wait a minute. Where did you get that ring?

At the pawn shop. They have a whole bunch, if you want one.

It's right next to the jewelry store.

I know where it is!

Okay, see that, Manolo? Everybody wants something from me...

Rings, a community garden, a water park.

What the hell is that?

"Buy George"? Come on!

Ha! Who would buy a house from George Lopez?

I can't deal with this right now.

And when have I ever done a thumbs up in my life?

I'm one of these right here.

I don't think it was your thumb, jefe.

They Photoshop a lot of that stuff.

You know, I just mean, like, if you're gonna use me,

you want it to be something that's authentic.

I don't think people ever look at me like a thumbs up guy.

Maybe it's something you could start doing.

You know, change it up a bit, make it the hook of your act.

Like that guy who says, "What's the deal with that?"

Jerry Sein... feld.

- See, I know the difference now. - Now you do.

Okay, so check this out.

There's never been a Latino detective show.

Like, a guy you don't expect.

He blends in. He speaks two languages.

Like, "Oh, señora, pásale por aquí."

Yeah, he's the one investigating her.

- I get it. - Okay, go on.

Next weekend, he's at the car wash.

He's looking through. They're getting forensics

off the clothes that the people leave in the car.

Okay, wait, I thought this was a joke.

- It is, right? - No, it's not a joke.

This... this is the show that I want to do.

Okay, so I thought we were meeting