Family Guy

God, can you believe that Trump hung himself in prison?

I know! And that Chris Christie lost all that weight.

He still looks terrible, though.

- Oh, hey, Joe. - Hey, Peter. If you have a sec,

there's something I want to talk to you about.

Oh, boy, this is it.

He wants me to have sex with Bonnie.

Now, remember, Peter, you can't say yes right away.

You let him talk you into it.

He's watching for that. It's part of the dance.

I will absolutely have sex with Bonnie.

Sorry, Peter, you're too eager.

So, I came over to invite you

to Susie's christening this weekend.

- Oh. - And I don't just want you to be a guest.

I was wondering if you'd be willing to be the godfather.

- Godfather? - Yeah, you're my best friend,

and, well, I'd like you to be Susie's godfather, too.

- Godfather II? - Wow, you're really warming to this.

Well, you've made two very compelling arguments.

Perhaps we should discuss this further in my poorly-lit den.

So, about this offer...

What are you guys discussing?

And when did we get a den?

Sorry, Lois, half of being a godfather

is closing the door in your wife's face

while she wonders what's going on inside.

But I just wanted to...

I forgot it was a swinging door.

DiGiorno. DiGiorno.

Joe Paterno.

DiGiorno.

Damn it, Peter, being Susie's godfather

doesn't mean you're in the mob.

And you can't bring a cat to church.

Why not? He's Cat'lic.

He does a Muttley laugh.

Where's the priest?

Oh, the church ran out of priests months ago,

'cause of all the diddlin'.

Now they just have a rabbi fill in.

Shalom, everyone.

Welcome to the christening.

Now, before the child goes in the water,

has it been at least 20 minutes since she ate?

- Yes, Rabbi. - Wonderful.

Then let's dunk this kid like a doughnut.

I hereby christen this child in the name of Jesus Christ,

who was killed by we-don't-know-who,

it's not important.

The last thing we want to do is point fingers...

Can you please take my daughter out of the water?

Sorry.

Congratulations, sweetie, you're a Christian.

From now on, every Sunday you get to eat a hard cookie

and pretend it's a guy.

Coffee in the smallest cup we have, as you requested.

- Grazie. - And let me assure you,

any shouting you hear from the kitchen

is not Gordon Ramsay tearing us apart.

Oh, disgusting!

Scusi.

Oh, God, here comes Doug. He just got a race car bed,

and now I'm gonna have to hear about it.

Hey, Stewie. Still sleeping in the slow lane?

Okay. Okay.

So, your mom still taking you to the ladies' room

- to go pee-pee? - Actually, yes.

Yeah, me, too. I don't like the men's room.

All the urinals are at mouth level.

I don't look at those. I'm too busy fixing my hair

in the mirror... Oh! I'm sorry.

Ciao, Stewie!

God, that was humiliating.

This party has turned south quick.

Like Bryan Singer's remake of Casablanca.

Here's looking at you, actual kid.

Everyone, I'd like to say a few words.

Uh, it's a very special day,

as we dedicate Susie's life to Christ

before she can consent to it

or have any conception of what's happening.

Susie once licked a booger off my hand.

- I'm Chris, by the way. - Thanks, Chris,

but let's wait till we're called upon, bud.

Anyway, thank you all for coming.

And to the host.

Joe, thank you for having us in this restaurant

with a painted wall that makes Venice look terrible.

To Joe!

Everyone, enjoy.

Uh, for the kids, we've got games

and also a party princess dressed as Elsa

who's clearly a prostitute,

but please don't proposition her here,

just nod in her direction... Trust me, she'll get it.

It's her profession.

Oh, cool, they got a piñata!

- Peter, it's for the kids. - Like hell it is.

I'm the godfather of this event,

and I want a debilitating wine-and-candy headache.

Give me that, kid.

I'm your son, you dick.

Sir, please, you're making a scene.

No, I'm not. I can do whatever I want.

I'm the godfather.

Uh-oh.

I'm-a so sorry, sir. I didn't know.

Stanley Tucci.

Bobby Cannavale.

Hey! Portuguese waiters pretending to be Italians!

Get the godfather whatever he wants!

-Godfather? -There's a new godfather? -Aw, look at the wall.

Why does Venice always look-a so terrible?

From now on, you eat on the house.

You will be treated with the utmost respect, Godfather.

Grazie. Now please name the menu item I ordered after me.

The dinosaur chicken tenders?

All right, we'll find something else.

Thank you very much.

Hear that, Doug? My dad's now the godfather.

And yours is...

VP of Systems Integration or something?

What was that, Stewie?

I was invited to sit at the first grade table.

What?! How'd you get that invite?

Big D energy, Stewie.

You either got it or you don't.

Oh, yeah? What does the "D" stand for?

Divorced?

- Wh-What?! - Stewie, my parents are trying to make it work.

- Gee, Stewie. - They're doing their best.

He ended things with the nanny.

Not that it's any of your business.

Oh, yeah. Uh, g-g-g-good for them.

Gene and Sheryl are wonderful people.

I-I hope they make it work. Good vibes. Healing.

G-G-G-God bless you all.

God, I can't believe Mike Pence came out of the closet

just before he hung himself in prison.

- Bon Jovi, family. - Morning, Dad.

Are things gonna change now that you're a godfather?

Good question, Chris. And yes, quite a bit.

I'll be touching faces a lot more than I used to.

My boys. My bambinos.

No touch.

And I'll be totally oblivious to the affair

between my bodyguard and my wife.

You look very nice today, Vincenzo.

Hey! She gave you a compliment.

What, do you got cotton in your ears? Answer her.

Yeah, meathead. What's with this guy, Pop?

And as a mafioso, I'll be doing more voice-overs,

which will always begin by naming everyone at the event.

- What does that even mean? - There we were at breakfast.

It was me, Chris G.,

Meggs, Lois Griff,

Little Stew

and Uncle Junior Grandpa Nephew

who was my cousin.

It was one of those breakfasts where you realize

you put on your boxers the wrong way

and you need an excuse to leave the room.

- We're out of syrup. - I'll get it. You stay here.

And will you be a stricter dad now?

Interesting question. My value system

will vary wildly between incredible immorality

and intense social conservatism.

Dad, there's a shipment of heroin in our driveway.

- Excellent. - I watched a PG-13 movie last night.

In your mother's house?

Now, everyone keep eating until you throw up.

What's this? As a leader in the Italian community,

I'll be getting very upset about store-bought pasta sauce.

Peter, what the hell?

That was our Prego.

Yeah, and prego means "you're welcome."

It's a very cocky name for an average pasta sauce.

The rest of this is just jokes, but that's kind of a good point.

Now, kids, before you go to school,

let's discuss what you tell your friends about me.

That your fingernails are so filthy

because you do scratchers all day?

Never talk about the family business!

Things are too hot here for you now.

You need to go to Italy for five years.

- What?! - You're not safe here anymore,

so I'm gonna send you where all the murderers are from.

A questo brajola que facia te di.

Rudy Giuliani.

Antipasti di Miguel Corleone a Sicilia di movies!

Mario Batali el gropo Buca di Beppo Ford Coppola.

Ooh! Aah! Mama Mia!

Check it out. Like all cool mobsters,

my office is at a strip club.

Yeah, but why's it in a male strip club?

Are you kidding? Dingaling's is great.

Now, just watch where you hang your hat.

'Cause of boners.

Now, you three are gonna be my lieutenants.