You, Me & Tuscany

(grand orchestral fanfare playing)

("Rise N Shine" by Leela James playing)

Morning, Rocco.

Morning, Joe.

Send my love to the missus.

Morning, Erik.

Looking good, Anna.

-These smell amazing. -Thank you.

-Hello, Anna. -(gasps) -(song stops abruptly)

What in the actual fuck?

I can explain.

Give me my dog.

Did she hurt you? What did she do to you?

I am so, so sorry, Mrs. Dunn.

I should've never worn your clothes.

You're a house sitter.

You're supposed to feed Rocco,

water plants, leave zero trace.

First, my husband ruins the Hamptons with his Speedo,

and now this--

Are you wearing my lingerie

that snaps together at the crotch?

I was gonna wash it.

Get out of my house!

Okay, before you judge, let me explain.

I wasn't always a house sitter. I had a plan.

I was raised by a single mom,

and I was gonna grow up to be a chef, just like her.

Mama always said that food tells the story of who you are,

where you've been and where you're going.

My story took me to the Culinary Institute of New York.

And after that, Mama and I were gonna travel to Italy

for inspiration to open our own restaurant.

But things don't always go according to plan.

When Mama got sick, I gave up everything to take care of her.

Got a job as a professional house sitter

and discovered that pretending to live someone else's life was

way easier than dealing with the reality of my own. (sighs)

Anyway, that's how I ended up here,

about to fall over in this rich lady's Versace.

Bye.

Anna, you've got to be shitting me.

I know you didn't put on that lady's clothes!

She wasn't supposed to be home for another month.

Now, I understand using a few pumps of the lady's retinol,

but wearing her drawers?

Isn't she like 55?

Well, she does have incredible taste.

Bitch, I'm only telling you this 'cause you're my bestie.

What you're saying is just sad.

All my other gigs flaked.

The hot couple that I was supposed to house-sit for,

I guess they got divorced a-and canceled their trip.

The fine one?

He looked like a cheater. He cheated?

'Cause he-- you know he looked like a cheater.

Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.

I don't know, probably.

But I was supposed to have an in-unit washer and dryer.

Look, maybe it's time to pivot, okay?

Stop borrowing other people's lives

and start working on your own.

That way, you can have your own washer and dryer.

And, hell, you can let me use it.

Look, all you need to do is start focusing on your...

-Please don't say passion. -Passion!

Yeah, I said it. Your passion.

-(sighs) -I'm sorry about everything that happened,

but you need to start living your life again.

Now, look, I got to go. Call me when you get home.

Hey, wait, wait, about that.

I may have fell behind a few months on my rent.

Brianna Celeste Montgomery.

How does this keep happening?

I sent you so many money management podcasts.

Where you gonna stay?

-Oh, hell no. No. -Please.

Just put me in a little room. No one will notice.

No. You almost got me fired last time, remember?

-Aren't you quitting anyway? -I am going on maternity leave.

Isn't that the same thing?

No. It means I need a job to come back to.

-'Cause I'm old. -You're 27.

I have a husband. I have a 401(k).

I'm 'bout to have a B-A-B-Y.

Well, can I at least charge my phone?

: Don't do it at the desk.

Go to the bar, okay? Jeff will help you, all right?

-Okay, okay, okay. Love you. -Love you, too.

Hi, Mr. Maguire.

("My Muse" by Leon Thomas playing quietly over speakers)

-Are you Jeff? -That's me.

Claire says you'll charge this.

-Of course. -Thanks.

Uh, can I get a burger, medium rare?

Add jalapeños and an egg, over easy.

No salt, just pepper. And some fries.

With a side of honey.

Oh, and a beer. Any beer.

: Okay.

One of these should work.

And Claire says I get the friends and family discount.

-Gotcha. -Thank you.

I'm sorry, did you just order honey for your burger?

It's for the fries.

The sweetness brings out the saltiness.

It's really good.

Anyway, I'm about to eat my feelings,

so please just leave me alone.

Well, as long as you're eating your feelings,

I will keep on drinking mine.

Salute.

You're Italian?

Si.

I'm here for business.

New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong.

I just got back from Rio, and I'm beat.

Let me guess. Finance bro?

Ouch. No. Real estate.

-Oof, even worse. -(laughs)

-Actually, do you know any good apartments? -Uh-huh.

Well, what is your price range?

Well, I almost maxed out my credit card on a cheeseburger,

-so... yeah. -(laughs)

Uh, well, if it makes you feel better, in Italy, we say,

"Chi conosce il cibo conosce la vita."

"Those who know food know life."

You speak Italian?

-Un po'. -Eh, un po'.

Just enough to ruin my pickup line. (chuckles)

No, I was... I was planning a trip to Tuscany.

-No. That's where I'm from. -No way.

I swear that's where I'm from.

-What? -Yeah.

-Wow, okay. -Well, you tell me when you go,

and I will give you all the recommendations.

-Oh, I'm not going anymore. -Well, why not?

Well, I was supposed to go with my mom last year

when I graduated culinary school, but...

Ah, you're a chef.

No, no, no. I never made it that far.

: I dropped out

two months before I graduated, so...

Well, I'm sure you had your reasons.

Yeah, um...

This is the part of the story where I'd probably make up

something really fabulous, but what the hell.

My mom died.

Last year.

I quit school, stopped cooking

and kind of put my life on hold.

I'm sorry.

But I still have the plane ticket to Italy, though.

-(chuckles) -So... (chuckles)

Well, to your mamma.

And her beautiful...?

Anna.

Anna. I'm Matteo.

Nice to meet you.

("Themselves" by Jordan Ward playing)

Honey and fries. (chuckles)

Look at your face.

-Very nice. Very good. -(chuckles) No, you have to...

My God, your Italian is really good.

-Thank you. -(laughs)

: Please.

So this is the Cathedral of San Conessa,

and right around the corner,

you have this incredible gastronomia.

-Wow. -It's so nice.

This is my mamma Gabriella.

My mom and my dad,

they have the oldest restaurant in San Conessa.

-Really? -Yeah. They do.