BoJack Horseman

Ladies and gentlemen,

to announce this year's Oscar nominees...

Mr. Peanutbutter!

Mr. Peanutbutter!

Mr. Peanutbutter?

Hello! Here I am, Mr. Peanutbutter.

That's my name and I am here.

Okay, the nominees. Nominees for Oscar.

Who are the nominees?

Well, as I used to say on Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities:

What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out,

let's find out.

For Best Actor, the nominees are:

Jurj Clooners for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee.

Bread Poot for City of AIDS.

Colin Firth for First Things Firth:

The Colin Firth Story.

Michael Fassbender for... I want to say Bill Gates?

And BoJack Horseman for Secretariat.

Whoa.

BoJack, you just got nominated for an Oscar.

You're an Oscar nominee. How do you feel?

I feel...

I-I feel...

I feel...

the same.

It happened again. Why do I keep thinking things will make me happy?

-What is wrong with me? -BoJack, don't do this.

-Don't fetishize your own sadness. -Uh... Oh, God, I'm drowning.

-I feel like I'm drowning. -BoJack, listen.

When I was 17, I snuck out to a fraternity party.

The roads were icy and I swerved into the lake.

I came to underwater.

It was dark and cold, and I didn't even know which way was up.

I thought for sure I was going to drown.

And then... I noticed...

when I opened my mouth, the air bubbles floated up,

and that's how I knew which way to swim.

That is a terrifying story.

BoJack, when you find yourself lost and disoriented and underwater

and you don't know which way is up,

it's important to breathe.

I don't deserve this. I'm not a best actor.

Awards aren't about who's best, BoJack.

That's literally the only thing they're about.

No. All this means is that you're one of the special people.

I saw it the first time I met you. You must have known it all your life.

And all your life, people told you that you were wrong,

that you weren't special, that you were just like everybody else.

But now, the special people are saying, "You were right, BoJack. You were right."

I was right. I am one of the special people.

-Yes. -What are we doing just sitting here?

I just got nominated for an Oscar.

We gotta party like it's 1982, the year Prince released 1999.

Whoo-hoo!

BoJack, your complimentary Rolex is here.

BoJack, giant chocolate Oscar's here.

Famous DJ David Gu-etta is at the door.

Free Tesla's here, Boj. They want to know if they can park it in your driveway.

No.

Tell them I want my free Tesla parked in my goddamn living room. I'm BoJack!

Yeah, now we're doing it! Look at us partying.

BoJack, you got another delivery. Someone sent a... nerd?

Hi.

You get a load of this chili cheese fountain?

-Grab a handful of beans and go to town. -Hey, this is all really something.

But I actually just came because I heard about the nomination

and I wanted to make sure you're okay.

That's a funny way of saying congratulations.

But not funny "ha-ha", more like funny Doonesbury.

I know how this kind of thing can sometimes send you spinning.

"Oh, God, why doesn't this make me happy? Will anything make me happy?

I'm an empty husk." That kind of thing.

Well, thank you for that, but I'm actually doing great.

I direct your attention to the aforementioned chili cheese fountain!

It's too bad I'm not managing your social campaign anymore,

because this party would make a great Snapchat story.

You are not gonna make me guilty about leaving Princess Carolyn.

I'm not here to make you feel guilty. Like I said--

Honestly, I don't even know what you're doing over there.

-Tweeting for celebrities? -Well, actually, I don't--

When I met you, you were so cool and interesting--

Uh, I was never cool.

You used to actually care about shit. What happened?

I don't know, BoJack. Maybe caring about shit got old.

Maybe I'm tired of everyone yelling at me and sending death threats to my house,

and all my friends thinking I'm annoying, and getting in fights with my husband,

and seeing little refugee boys die in hospital bombings.

It's exhausting and I can't do it. If that makes me a bad person,

then I'm sorry that I'm not the "cool, interesting girl."

I never said you were a bad person. I just said it's not you.

And you know it's not you.

Oh, and this party is you? Who are all these people?

-These are my friends. -Name one of them.

-Tes-ley. -You're just looking at the Tesla.

I don't know why it's so hard for you to believe that I could be happy.

I'm not like you, okay?

-I don't fetishize my own sadness. -I don't fetishize my own sadness.

-Sure. -You don't know anything about me.

Hey!

I know that you can tweet for a living

in a house in Beverly Hills that your husband bought,

or you can think you're better than everyone, but you can't do both.

-I don't think I'm better than everyone. -And again, I say, sure.

You know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna win that Oscar, and you're gonna go up on that stage

and give your little speech, and then you're gonna go home.

And you're gonna be so miserable, you'll want to kill yourself.

And you're gonna have nobody left to stop you.

Hey, it's BoJack!

BoJack! BoJack!

No one's gonna be there when I kill myself?

Listen to that chanting, Diane.

The chanting don't lie.

There's going to be plenty of people around when I kill myself.

BoJack!

Tell your readers that BoJack was sleeping.

He didn't even know they were announced today.

Okay. Goodbye, Heather.

-Hey, Ana, can I ask you something? -Of course, darling.

-So, if I win the Oscar-- -"When" you win the Oscar.

Right. But after that, what's gonna happen to us?

-What do you mean? -What we have.

It's more than just an Oscar campaign, right?

-I need to go. -What?

There's work to be done.

We got the nomination, but now, the real battle begins.

Enjoy your party. Stop worrying about the future.

Come on, buddy! Come on!

-Mr. Peanutbutter! -Thank God you're okay.

Better than okay. I'm wonderful.

Thanks to you, you wonderful man.

When you said my name this morning, you changed my life.

-About that-- -Hey, did you see Erica here?

She was looking for you earlier, with her good eye.

Her other eye was looking to the stars.

-BoJack, I need to talk to you. -Yeah? What's going on, buddy?

Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news.

Raven on a wire. A gloomy portent, precariously perched.

And, as the sun sets, so does it spread its deathly shadow

across the just and unjust of the outdoor seating area

of the California Pizza Kitchen.

Mm-hmm! And what better way to view such disquieting omens

than through these gorgeous floor-to-ceiling windows?

Yeah. Wow! They really make regular windows look like shit.

I can't look out the window while lying on the floor?

-No, thank you, regular window! -Tell me a little about your company.

Well, it started as a safe space for women.

Ooh!

Then, it became a safe space for women and men.

Oh!

Now, it's more of a safe-ish space for women...

Mm-hmm.

...and a really safe space for men to look at women...

I hear you.

...while also being driven around by them.

-Wow! Something for everyone. -Demand is skyrocketing.

That's why we need a bigger office space.

You come to work, clock in,

you put sugar in your coffee,

and watch it slowly disappear into nothingness.

But the sugar doesn't know why. Sugar didn't ask to be born.

Is he okay?

He recently found out that his brother's sick.

Oh. I'm so sorry, but you know what else is sick?

-These hardwood floors. -Ooh!

Did you hear that, Mr. Peanutbutter?

Losing BoJack was a blow. There's no way to sugarcoat it,

even if I were generally good at sugarcoating things, which I'm not.

You know, I wish cats really did have nine lives.

It would make me feel better about how much I'm screwing up this one.

You're not screwing up your life.

Sometimes I feel like, if I could start everything over,

knowing what I know now, I'd do it all right this time.

But other times I think...

No, I wouldn't.

As you all know, things have been rough,

and, unfortunately, we have to scale back our staff.

-Mainly, you. -Are you firing me?

In a sense, yes.

But, in another sense, I'm promoting you

to a position of finding a job somewhere else.

Yeah. I don't think I ever thanked you for giving me this job in the first place.

It was an honor to work with you.

You were the worst social media coordinator this company ever had.

Are you sure you need surgery? Can't you get a second opinion?

Second opinion? You know there's only one doctor on the Peninsula.

I could ask him twice if it'd make you feel better.

Nothing could make me feel better right now.

Not even an amazing career opportunity. Hold on, I'm getting another call.

I've got to take this. It could be an amazing career opportunity. Hello?

Mr. Peanutbutter, this is Shep Von Trapp,

awards show producer,

with a career opportunity

that is... good.

This isn't a great time, Shep. Could you call back?

Absolutely... not.

The Oscar nomination announcement is in seven days and we don't have a host.

Sadly, Jimmy Fallon just broke his face.

What? Halloween in January?