Larry the Cable Guy: It's a Gift

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Larry the Cable Guy.

Thank you so much.

Please do not rush the exits.

Thank you so much.

Doggone, thank you. Look at this, right?

Wow. Thank you so much.

Gun show must be next week, I guess.

How about this, all these lights?

Huh? Fancy.

Got all this on Amazon cards. You believe that?

It's good to be here at the Capitol again, I'll tell you.

- -That's right.

That's right.

Which is kind of weird 'cause I ain't never been here before.

So...

What the hell?

Well, thank you for coming. Hey...

Have you ever, like, walked into a room at your house

and you get in there and you're like,

"What the hell did I just come in here for?"

You ever do that? You know what sucks about that for me?

This is the room, all right? What the hell?

I forgot what I'm supposed to do. I'm getting old. What the hell?

I forgot my wallet the other day at the house.

I had to turn around and go get my wallet. I couldn't find it.

Not the wallet, my house, all right?

Dadgum.

Sucks. You ever put your glasses on your head

and then you're like, "Where the hell's my glasses at?"

You're looking for your glasses for an hour and a half and they're on your head.

I've done that with Q-tips.

Sucks getting old.

You ever say something to somebody,

then two minutes later you're asking the same dadgum--

You ever do that?

You ever, like, walk in a room and you get in there, you're like,

"What the hell am I doing in here?"

Well, we're gonna have fun tonight, I tell you what.

This is a show I'm gonna remember,

apparently until tomorrow.

I embarrassed myself the other day.

I went to a gender reveal party,

I thought we were supposed to reveal our gender and that, all right?

I'm like, "Look I'm a boy. Look at this here, I'm a boy."

Dadgum.

There's a dermatologist in there, and she said,

"You'd better get that skin tag looked at right there. That don't..."

I had another buddy of mine went to a gender reveal party,

and some woman was choking on finger wieners.

Couldn't breathe. She turned blue.

And everybody was like, "It's gonna be a boy."

Dadgum.

Well, I'm dressed to the nines tonight, by golly.

Nothing I got on cost more than $9.

This is actually--

I sell clothes.

This is actually my fall/winter fat guy collection right here.

Which is strikingly similar to my spring/summer fat guy collection

that I like to wear.

I got these pants at the Goodwill.

You ever shop at the Goodwill?

I got these at the Goodwill, and I come home and my wife goes,

"Where'd you get them pants? I thought I took them up to the Goodwill."

You believe that?

I've bought these three times this year. You believe that?

The hell?

Well, God love you.

I'm gonna go a little quicker tonight.

I got ice cream in the car, and I apologize.

It's always fun when I do shows 'cause I've been doing it a long time,

so you never know when you'll get the celebrity pop-in, you know,

'cause you never know who's a fan that's close

that's gonna come over and do something, it's always fun.

So... you wait here.

I mean, it's never happened, but I'm just saying, all right?

At some point, it's bound to happen.

I mean, I never get the dadgum--

Foxworthy was working four blocks away my show one time,

he didn't even show up.

You believe that?

That skinny bastard. What in the world?

I love Jeff.

I met Jeff 38 years ago

at an RV park in Gainesville.

He was going through my garbage.

And I've pretended to like him ever since.

We have fun, we do some stuff on--

You know what we like to do, me and Jeff?

We like to eat a bunch of Taco Bell

and then go to the closest furniture store and fart in the recliners.

One time, he sharted and made me buy the recliner.

You believe that?

What the heck is he doing?

Here's the thing about him.

He's still skinny. He ain't gained no weight.

How can you be funny like that and be skinny?

That ain't funny to me.

This is hilarious, all right? Now that's funny.

- -

Stay back, ladies.

Stay back, ladies.

I don't want you rushing me up here.

Look at the ladies. I can see y'all right now,

pepper-spraying me with your eyeballs.

I can see it right now.

This is a body built for sin right here.

Unfortunately, that sin is gluttony.

I did put on a little weight.

The government just put me on the no-fry list.

It ain't my fault, though.

I gained weight 'cause I hurt myself

and couldn't do no exercise for two months. I...

I throwed my back out twerking.

Yeah, I was outside,

a ladybug went down my pants and went in the crack of my ass.

I'm trying to get him out of there.

Threw my back out.

All of a sudden, it comes out right there, by God.

It went in a ladybug, it come out a stink bug, by God.

That's how it done it.

That's how it done it right there.

Well...

My show, by the way, is PG-13.

"Pretty Good for 13 minutes."

But if you're offended at something,

the good news is I got a money-back guarantee.

So I guarantee you, you ain't gonna get your money back.

All right, that's how it's gonna be.

But this is exciting, ain't it?

I ain't been this excited since my church replaced their communion wafers

with real vanilla wafers.

We got a lot of fat folks at my church.

You can't even lift half of them up in prayer.

Jesus fed 5,000 men.

That wouldn't feed three of our fat-ass elders, I guarantee you.

My wife was gonna work at the church. She wanted to volunteer.

But the only thing they had left was missionary position.

Start the van.

I worked up at the Sunday school one time.

They coaxed me into teaching the Sunday school.

And I done it one time.

One time.

They said, "Larry, it's easy. It's five-year-olds.

You give a lesson, ask a couple of questions,

and then you color."

I can do that.

I read the story, asked a question.

First question was, who did Jesus come to save?

Some little kid goes, "The Jews and the genitals."

Who wants to color?

I'll tell you what irritated me.

They was all good,

and then somebody come for lunch and give a little dessert.

They gave them the marshmallow Peeps to all these five-year-olds.

You ever eat Peeps? Them sugar marshmallows?

They have the Easter Peeps, the Pumpkin Peeps,

and the Christmas Peeps. They had all the Peeps down there.

Of course, I got into the Peeps.

I ate the entire collection of Peeps they had down there.

I go in there to go to the bathroom. I look in the toilet.

Holy smokes, it looked like my toilet was celebrating Pride month in there.

All right? Dadgum.

What the hell?

Every color represented. It was unbelievable.

How have I not won a Grammy Award by now, all right?

- -Right?

Yeah, that's top notch-- That's top-notch material right there.

This show should have been $500 apiece.

So I was on the internet, and they had a thing on there.

You can buy dadgum sex robots now.

$10,000.

What is this world coming to?

Dadgum sex robot for $10,000.

We had rubber dolls when we was kids, they $15.

They weren't made too good, though.

My buddy Dougie, he overinflated it and the left titty popped

and the nipple took his eyeball out right there.

But, yeah...

It was horrible. Had an eye patch for three years on there.

That's a powerful nipple there.

$10,000 for a dadgum sex robot. You believe it?

20,000 if you want one that doesn't talk.

Ah, that's hilarious!

That's funny.

I'm hearing a lot of this for the first time myself tonight, all right?

Oh...

I think I got a gay vacuum cleaner.

It's got three settings.

Small pile, large pile and Gomer Pyle.

I know. It's a gift.

It's a gift.

Now you notice I'm walking a little gimpy tonight?

I apologize.

I was playing pickleball,

and, uh, I threw out my pickle.

I was playing, my pickle popped out.

I paddled my pickle. You believe that?

Anybody in here ever paddle your pickle?

How about grapple your gherkin? You ever done that at all?