Vamp U

Sue... sue shells sea-sells by the she-shore.

Toy boat, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt.

Unique New York, new-ique New York, New York, new-ique 'nique nork.

My crotch fell.

Knocked over the crotch.

I should move this.

Petunia. Petunia.

Hey.

It's me, Tom Slansky, on what could turn out to the be the

biggest night of my life.

"Why?" You ask.

Have you ever heard of... D of...

vampires?

"No, no, Tom.

They're fake, the things of fairy tales."

You, okay?

Sorry, mom, for the ""

a little bit about me... I'm a sophomore at Hawthorne college.

I'm majoring in photography.

Uh, my favorite thing to shoot is the female form.

But this story's not about me... this is about Dr. G, the...

And guess what... he's a vampire.

"Oh, a vampire that teaches history... that's counterintuitive."

You again, man.

Once upon a time, Dr. G fell in love... with a human named Mary.

Get a chamber!

No.

But then, this one time in Mary's bedchamber, they were in

there, and it was getting late, but they didn't care, and they

were all over each other.

And then the sun went down, and he bit her.

Aah!

He killed the love of his life.

Everyone was pissed.

Her family didn't even let him come to the funeral...

Just 'cause he killed her.

Good thing he's a genius and dressed up like friar tuck and

snuck in to see her.

Thief!

Gretzky!

I never meant to hurt her.

The devil himself disguised as a man of the cloth.

Don't be a fool, Gregor.

Ohh!

You'll rot in hell, Wayne Gretzky.

You'll rot in hell!

I'm already there.

He just kicked Gregor's ass, but did you notice that his

teeth didn't grow?

Ever since Mary died, his teeth went limp.

Goodbye, Mary.

So, for the last 300 years, Dr. G has been wandering the

earth with his flaccid fangs, surviving on nothing more

than animal blood... that is, until a few months ago.

You know, vampire impotence is just another facet of human impotence.

I am not impotent.

Your teeth won't grow.

What would you call it?

I just think the comparison may be useful.

Well, in what way?

Well, your impotence began when you killed the love of your life.

Sorry, Herman.

Ooh. Bleeder.

Say "hello" to Mary.

No, it's not uncommon for a murderer to become impotent...

Because it's usually... my God.

What is up your butt, Wayne?

You know, maybe this whole thing would work better if we

were just friends.

Better for who?

Not for you... you need help, my friend.

I know, but no one has experience with this stuff.

I have experience with people, and you look just like a person to me.

Only, if I do my job right, we're gonna have you looking

more like a demon.

We don't look like demons.

On "Buffy," you do.

In real life, we don't.

Well I'm still learning.

There's not a lot of hard evidence on your breed.

The only reference I have is pop culture, okay?

But, in any case, I'm, uh, I'm glad you trust me.

I am, too.

So, who's Chris' advisor?

Dr. Levine, I think.

But he smells like homemade bread.

Ugh!

Look, we caught a largemouth ass.

Ohh!

More like a largemouth dick.

What?

Fred, where's your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

Just admit... she doesn't exist.

And when the sun goes down, you guys get gay.

Just admit that you smell like shit a-all day long.

What?

I think I'm just gonna wait in the car.

I'm sorry.

I forgot my hat.

Oh, you're such a bitch!

Chris.

No, Ted.

She's right.

No, no, no, no.

There's... there's nothing wrong with a freshman being undeclared.

It's difficult to know what you want to do with the rest of your

life when you're only 18.

I'm 19.

Oh. Were you held back?

What's that supposed to mean?

Why would you say that?

Yes?

Ah, speak of the vampire.

Speak of the devil.

He's not a vampire.

Um, I've been reading "twilight."

All I can think about is vampires.

That was not... Gretzky’s, uh... he's not a vampire.

He's a hell of a history teacher.

He seemed a bit scared.

He was... But in a good way.

The students just love him.

Uh, apparently those vampires can have sex all night long.

How do you like that Edward, hmm?

I don't read that shit.

Chris, please.

What, dad?

This is college.

You can say "shit" here.

That's right, Ted.

Some of our professors use the word "shit" in their lectures.

Well, they shouldn't.

You're right... they shouldn't.

I'll look into that.

Enough said.

I just think you should loosen up a little bit, dad.

It's just... it's the language.

I know, but it's college, dad... college.

Uh.

Fred!

Hey, hey, Chris.

Hey, hey!

Hi.

Hi!

Beautiful.

Hey, I like your hair.

I cut it.

Yeah, it looks good.

Not good enough.

Uh, Mr. Keller.

Fred, please.

Sorry... Ted.

Uh, guys, uh, this is Chris and her father, Ted.

Uh, these are my fraternity brothers.

This is Jared. Boom.

- And this is Kyle... - Hey.

Knuckles.

And Tom.

Hey.

Wow. Great to meet you guys, really.

Uh, I got to go, honey, so... Okay. Mwah!

Mwah! Mm!

Fred, take care of my little girl, okay?

I will do her.

Uh, I'll... I-I-I will do it.

I'll take... I'll take care of her.

So, Chris, are you pledging with anyone?

Yeah, with, uh, kappa omicron.

Kappa O’s are the biggest hos!

Unh!

Unh!

Well, which ones are you guys in, again?

We're STDs.

STDs, gonna give you the disease.

We're sigma tau delta.

Hey, it's the great one.

Why does he have an umbrella?

He's got a skin disease, and he's cool as shit.

That's Dr. Gretzky.

Oh, that's him?

Yeah, he teaches history.

Remember, I tried to get you to take that class?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I-I mean, I guess I'll add it.

Yeah, my advisor said everybody loves him.

He's awesome.

Your advisor talked about him?

Yeah, you know, he walked into my advisor's office, and he

goes, "speak of the vampire."

"Speak of the vampire"?

This is history 205.

I'm your Professor, Dr. Gretzky.

Who's here to add the class?

I must be popular.

Professor Gretzky, I'm sure you get this all the time, but

were you named after Wayne Gretzky?

I was named Wayne Gretzky long before Wayne Gretzky was

named Wayne Gretzky.