Kill or Be Killed

In the hole you go, monsieur.

Close 'er up, Goody!

All right, Claude.

Gonna be a long night.

Keep it going, boys.

Damn!

Back to work, Peckerwood.

You're a goner, Dub!

Yeah, shoot him in the knees!

You got lots of fans, Dub.

Bash his head in! Come on now. Bash it!

Simmer down, fellas.

You'll get your boy as soon as we get ours.

Now, young swell, drop that pepperbox in the dirt.

Real friendly-like or I'll drop this hammer on you

and send ya on your way! You hear?

I heard. You can get it in there.

Now what?

Real good.

Fits real good.

Turn us loose!

You gonna leave us chained out here like a pack of hounds?

Take it easy on him, boys.

Hyah!

Get them keys! Get them keys!

Come on, man.

Ain't nothing like stealing a law dog's horse.

Hope y'all are good on foot!

Yeah, Dub, you're next!

Hyah!

Goddamn, boy!

Jack put two inches of chuck on his fanny.

Well, lookit here.

Look at that.

Well, well, could have taken you for a leprechaun.

- Lookie here, Tom. - Come on.

Looks like we're going on a little treasure hunt.

- No, come on! - Goddamn!

Here!

Jesus Christ! Like a bunch of cackling hens!

Let's get a hinge of this here.

Galveston?

Hell, that's 60 miles from the strike.

That's as far you made it?

Well, after all that hell popped off

and I got separated from you boys, I had to stash it.

I mean, my mare never would have made it back to New Mex,

with 300 pounds of gold on it.

I mean, not with me on it least ways.

Yeah, well, it didn't make it neither way, you ninny.

Hell, we thought you was dead till we heard you was sent up.

That's gotta be 500 miles from here.

Well, I wish I was dead

after spending six months in that outfit!

Yeah!

I was lucky my mare made it as far as Pecos.

Good you didn't give them the drop on us, Jack.

And after we busted your hocks out of the pokey,

the big question is, is what's in that hard melon

the same as on here?

Identical.

That's my third draft.

I burnt the first two.

Damn twit!

Whatcha kicking him about now, huh?

Don't trust Jack no more?

Hell, it took an act of congress to get you out of New Mex.

And now you're belly-aching about 500 measly miles

between us and retirement?

We shall reap the fruits of our journey.

I think the big question is,

are you going with us?

I'm not just going.

I'm the one taking us there!

And you best not misremember that.

All right.

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, look out, look out, hey, hey.

Button your damn vest, you little midget!

Gather around, fine folks

for Woody and Willie's Wonderful Wagon of Wares.

- Do the voice. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

What do we got today, Willie?

Well, Woody, we got ourselves a special wonder potion.

Wonder potion? Can it do wonders on the piles?

'Cause I got 'em so bad my wood's starting to canker.

Well, ain't that the dickens.

Well, this could be your miracle cure.

It's good for everything from gout to unpleasant mouth odor.

Even takes out stains and such.

You don't say?

Well, maybe it can get this blue belly blood off of my uniform.

It sure can. Here, let me show you.

Oh!

- God! - I... I got it.

Ah, yeah!

Would you gentlemen excuse us for just a moment?

- Get in there! Get in there! - It's fine.

I will show you, you little poop dog!

- Ah! - Yeah!

- Oh, you! - Ow. Ow! Ow!

You're just a hindrance! It's all you've ever been to me!

- Ow! Ow! I'm sorry! - Oh, you're sorry?

I should never have taken you out of that damn circus.

- Oh, I see that now. - I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!

- I didn't mean to. - I'm sorry!

Ow! Ow!

Whoa! What, ah!

Stay put.

Knock him to kingdom come, Mister!

- Don't! Please don't! No! No! - How you like it?

No! No, no, no.

Goddammit! For Chrissakes, Claude!

We can't leave a blood trail clear across Texas.

You hear?

Why not?

Ah!

What are we gonna do with his son?

Kidnap him?

That ain't his paw.

He stole him from a traveling show to sell his wares.

We're a bunch of outlaws, ain't we, Tom?

Might be nice to have an innocent face with us.

Since mine'll be pinned up all over God's creation soon enough.

I, I, I can throw a Bowie knife straighter than any pistol ball.

Hear that?

Good. You're hired.

Boys, rustle through that wagon.

See if he's got any sweets.

Just simmer down up there, Willie.

High rollin' flower farmer's got one of them

fancy motor carriages too.

Damn telephone in every apothecary.

Our way of life's in jeopardy, boys.

That's dandy and all, but we ain't got a pot to piss in.

These meager fixings won't get us past tomorrow.

Yeah.

Well, it's gonna take a little green to get that gold.

Union Express runs right through here.

Hell, the way I figure it, one score leads to another score.

- Uh-huh. - Amen.

Hear that?

Claude! Breathe easy now!

Whoo, Goody!

Come close to ending up in a pine box

sneaking up on us like that.

And the darkness breeds an evil spade.

Put the gun down, Block.

Hell's bells.

Look like you done busted out the wrong rascal, mon ami.

Nah, this is our tyro, Willie.

Slap Jack's over yonder.

Hey, Goody.

Come here and fix up some of your goodness, huh?

Come on, cook us up something good.

He's gonna be with us for the duration.

Eh? Doo-ration? We here already ain't we?

Yeah, well, Slap couldn't handle the ruckus so he uh,

squirreled the bounty in Galveston.

Galveston? Uh-huh.

You mean we's going all the way back?

Yep, at the bottom of a well, to boot.

Ain't that a bad break.

Spit.

Go ahead, boy. He just trying to fix you right.

The hell you been anyhow?

Sir, I was off scouting head

after I dropped y'all boys off in the holes.

Come up on a pair of drovers on they way to Junction, see?

Turns out they's pulpit men,

and they's carrying a thunder mug of money with 'em too.

Some big mission over at the Lutheran house.

And yeh the Lord Provideth in this time of drought.

I was brought up Orthodox myself.

That's right.

Chapel.

Hell, we could take that easy as falling off a log.

Junction's no slouch of a town.

That cussed ol' sheriff has handled his share of highwaymen.

Yeah. We need a way to ward off prying eyes then.

A diversion of sorts.

Exactly.

Might be I can help you fellers.

Go on, do it again!

That's funny.

Gather around, fine folks, gather around!

Welcome to Willie and Woody's Wonderful World of Wares.

Sheriff, get in here. Come in here.

Today we have a marvelous new elixir,

that is sure to get rid of all your woes, whimpers and willies.

You can trust me, my son.

I, I was with my idiot sidekick here, see?

And...

Oh, God, horrors!

I done seen horrors you can't even imagine!

Oh, Lord! Help me!

I can't live with the sights I seen today!

- I'm possessed! - The Lord is with you.

It's a demon! It's choking me!

It's choking me from inside!