Rules of Engagement

Jeff, roll over.

Roll over. Mm, good doggy.

Good doggy. No--

Pfft!

What the hell?

Well, you were snoring again,

louder than ever.

I don't hear anything.

Because you're awake,

like I've been all night.

Tell you what, I'll let you go back to sleep first.

Thank you.

Are you still awake?

Yes.

You wanna do it?

Ah!

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

So have you made up your mind?

Uh, yes, I have.

You are the prettiest waitress here.

Hi, I'm Russell. I'm kind of like Fonzie around here.

Fonzie was gay?

Ha-ha! I'm kidding.

It's nice to meet you, Russell.

I'm Amy. All right.

Well, that's a nice perfume. What is it?

It's French fries and sloppy joes.

That's hot. I wouldn't mind taking that to go.

Ah. What's goin' on?

Ah, nice timing, El Blocko.

Hey, uh,

Adam, this is Amy.

Nice to meet you,

and I apologize for anything Russell has said to you so far.

No, he's been sweet.

Yes, we've been sweet.

So, what can I get you?

Uh, I'll have a slice of key lime pie and a coffee, please.

Okay. I'm thinking about get--

Oh, my God, I wish I had your dimples.

Well, I'd give them to you, but they're a family heirloom.

I got them from my grandfather. Heh.

I got my moustache from my grandmother.

You keep your dimples, I'll get your coffee.

Wait, I didn't even order...

What are you doing? What?

I had something going with her

and you come in and stomp on my game?

I was just talkin' to her, man.

I can't help it if my barely trying

beats you workin' it like a rodeo clown.

Dude, I wasn't even trying either.

Until now.

You might want to step back.

Those of you in the first few rows

may get wet, if you know what I mean.

I don't.

What are you, like a dolphin or a whale or something?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Just know you're dealing with the Flirtmaster General.

Okay, yeah, we'll see.

All right, there you go.

Ahem. Amy.

So, uh, I'm thinking about getting some pie myself.

What's your favorite?

Oh, feel free to lie to him.

He likes that in a woman.

Oh, really?

And what do you like in a woman?

Well, anyone who brings me coffee and pie

is pretty much at the top of my list.

Ha. Well, I'd better go get that pie, then.

All right.

I didn't even order...

I'm good.

God, just let it go, man.

You're like that little cartoon dog

that's always yapping at the big cartoon dog.

Don't compare yourself to the big cartoon dog,

you're nothing like him.

This used to happen all the time,

it's the best thing about you getting engaged.

What was the best thing about us getting engaged?

That you took Dimples here off the market,

leaving more inventory for me.

Really? That was the best thing?

Honey, of course not.

The best thing about you getting engaged

is the fact that you two found

some beautiful love that you could share--

All right, just ignore him, all right?

He's upset because at the diner

he was hitting on the new waitress

and I came in and totally out-flirted him.

That was smart.

Why were you flirting with the waitress?

I wasn't-- I wasn't being serious.

I was messing around with Russell.

Well, couldn't you just do that by putting

something he really wants on a high shelf?

I've done that enough.

And then, you know, you told her you were engaged...

Uh... You know what?

I don't think you did.

Well, that's weird.

Did you not want her to know that you're engaged?

Yeah, did you not?

No. No, I mean, it just didn't come up.

You might need this:

Stop it. Listen,

I'm just saying, if I was engaged,

I'd be singin' it from the rooftops,

because I'd be happy about it.

I don't know, this isn't my business.

Look, I know you were just messing around,

but the waitress doesn't know that.

I mean, she might have gotten the wrong idea.

Yeah, the wrong idea being

there's an alternative to sleeping with me.

Okay, just because she finds out that Adam's taken

doesn't mean she has to sleep with you.

It kinda does.

I'll introduce you as my fiancée and she'll back off.

Yeah, she'll back off you and back onto me.

And park.

Seriously, just because she finds out Adam--

It kinda does.

Just once, can I come home

and catch you looking at porn like a normal guy?

The Italian loafers I got a couple of weeks ago.

I'm enjoying the smell

while it's still more leather than foot.

You want a whiff?

I've been married to you for 12 years,

my sense of smell is shot.

What's with the 'tude?

It's not 'tude, I'm exhausted.

I'm getting ready for this huge presentation at work

and today I almost dozed off in the middle of a meeting.

See, I told you your job was boring.

I'm exhausted because of your snoring.

By the way, it's getting worse.

You know a guy at work cured his snoring

with a simple surgery.

Oh, his wife got a boob job?

No, he got a surgery on his nose and his uvula.

Pretty sure that's a girl part.

It's not a girl part,

but that explains a lot of clumsy groping.

I don't need surgery.

I'll just go back to wearing those nose strips.

Those don't work, and you spend all night

telling me how you look like you're in the NFL.

Like a white Jerry Rice.

Jerry White rice.

Look, it's a simple procedure.

It starts, it finishes, it's over before you know it.

And yes, I know there's a joke about our sex life in there.

I'm proud of you for catching that,

but, uh, I'm swamped at work right now,

and I can't take time off for surgery.

Well, my presentation is tomorrow

and tonight I have to get a good night's sleep.

All right, well, don't take this the wrong way or overreact.

How about tonight I sleep in the guest room?

Done. Beautiful.

Just mull it over for a minute.

Just for tonight. We'll deal with your snoring after that.

All right, look, you relax, because I'm gonna go

get us some takeout for dinner.

All right?

It's your last chance.

This may be the walk that pushes these bad boys over the edge.

[ACTION MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Hm.

Hey, Jeff, it's almost 7:30. You better get up.

Jeff! What?

Morning.

Oh, it's amazing how great a good night's sleep feels.

I actually got up early this morning

and I went to the gym.

Wow,

look at you.

What's on your face?

It's a Cheez Doodle.

I had a good night too.

I caught a Steven Seagal marathon on TV.

He cannot act.

Did you get any sleep last night?

I think so. I dozed off

during a movie where Seagal was skinny,