Vampire Bats

It's so freaking hot.

You mean hot as in like Eden-hot? Because Eden's-

This place gives new meaning to the word hot.

I should have transferred to the University of Minnesota...

...when I had the chance.

And now we've been paying for that decision ever since.

- I'd hit you, but I'm too hot. - Yeah?

I wanna be just like her when I grow up.

Don't worry, you'll get there.

Maybe I should pledge a sorority this semester.

Get plied with alcohol, forced to wear next to nothing...

...then be degraded by simpletons who think they're cool.

- But they're not. - They're not?

- No, they're not. - They're not.

You guys are so weird.

We can go to that bar on the other side of the cemetery that lets anybody in.

How about this? I've got my fake ID. We go buy some beer...

- ... we bring it back to the dorms. - Your fake ID's never worked.

Why would it suddenly start working now?

- Okay. - Guys...

...this is a truly tragic state of affairs.

I really didn't think it'd be this much work to have fun in college.

We can hit a movie, you guys, cool off.

- What about bowling? - Good idea. What are we, 43?

Hey, guys, all I have to say is that this is a really sad, sad day in history.

Hey, party people. Slow it down. Check this out, all right?

This way, underground rave. Cool people. Good times. Lots of liquor.

My name's right there. Call me, okay? If you have any questions. Hey, man!

Make sure you bring her.

Boys, it's time to get this party started.

Enjoy it, guys.

- Man, these freaking mosquitoes. - Stupid mosquitoes.

And there's a party out here in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, dude, that's the whole underground part of it, okay?

- I mean, just relax. - Jeez!

- Mosquito. - My God.

- Bloody. - Oh, thanks. Appreciate it.

Great party, Mickey.

This reminds me of a party I went to in high school.

- Where's the beer? - Hey, hold up. No beer...

...only planter's punch. Ten bucks buys a cup and all you can drink.

- I'll work with that. - You guys good? Good.

- Yellow for you. - Thanks.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

- Pink for you. - You're purple.

- Yes. - Enjoy, guys.

- Let's do it. - Have fun.

- Thanks, man. - All right.

- All right, all right. - Here we go.

- To liquor, at last. - Right.

You know we're perfect for each other, Eden.

- Oh, my- Aaron! - What?

- You're like my brother. - What? Brother?

- Yeah, you're not perfect for anybody. - What're you-? Anybody?

What about, what about, what about-? Okay, what about you? You.

- No. - No? I'm scowling out...

Where is everyone?

Aaron!

Eden!

Aaron!

Aaron!

- Here you go, pumpkin pie. - I want pancakes.

Well, you can't have pancakes, it's too hot. Mama's not turning on the stove.

Sweetheart, you know what? What do you say we do have those pancakes?

Violet.

- Morning. - Hey.

Good morning, Rami monster. Morning, Violet.

And good morning to you, Professor Rierdon.

- Professor Dryer. - All set for another semester?

No. When are the renovations done on our air-conditioned dream house?

Three, four months, tops.

Four months in this rental from hell?

Oh, come on, it's fine. I mean...

...it's hot, but it's fine.

It's more than the heat. Every time I go to find something...

...it's in a box. It's just not our home.

It's just temporary, sweetie. You gotta relax.

- Where's Nidia? - Guatemala.

- Guatemala? - Sick aunt.

We have classes in an hour, Maddy. What are we supposed to do?

- No milk. - All right, I'm gonna call my sister.

- All right? - Whoa, whoa, hang on, buster.

I got a better idea.

You take Rami to class and I'll take Violet. The students will love it.

You just don't want my sister watching the kids, right?

If she just looked after the kids, that would be fine.

Do you remember when my father was in the hospital?

- She rearranged the furniture. - It's just furniture. So what?

In every room of the house. She's like an over-caffeinated Mary Poppins.

She's my sister, all right? She's just trying to help, Maddy.

It's just, we're very different people.

- Here, sweetheart. - I thought that we came down here...

...so that we could be closer to family. To have help in situations like this.

Yes, we said that.

I thought we moved here for a simpler life.

I'm still waiting.

I'm calling my sister. She'll be here in 10 minutes.

I'm here. Y'all can relax.

Look who's here.

- Dan. Hi, Sparky. - Thanks for coming, Shell.

- Thank you, thank you. - What are big sisters for?

Ever since I kicked Stan out on his sorry butt, I've got nothing but time.

- Hey, darling. Madeleine. - Hi, Shelly.

- Hi. - We appreciate the assist.

Sure. You girls must have worked up some immune system...

...living in this kitchen and eating out of here.

Don't you guys have classes to teach? Go, I got everything. We're fine. Bye.

Go. I got everything.

Go, go. Hi.

Now, first, I'm gonna feed everybody some really good food. Normal food.

Okay, girls, be good for Auntie Shelly.

Wait, wait, wait. Keys. I don't have car seats.

- You don't want your car trashed. - Got that, Sparky.

Okay, guys, bye-bye. Bye-bye. See you later.

- Come on, Spanky. - Sparky.

Yeah, whatever.

- You have a good first day, sweetheart. - You too. I'll pick you up later.

I'll be the one at the helm of the Love Boat.

- Don't kiss too many co-eds. - Hey, no promises.

Excuse me, teacher coming through.

Ladies and gentleman.

Good. This is E-Bio 205, Ecosystem Ecology.

You lucky individuals will be having an in-depth examination...

...of ecosystem structure and function.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

The morning from hell and all that stuff.

Hey, Don and Jossie. Still joined at the hip. That's nice.

And, Lizzie, I missed you. Did you miss me?

Good to see that you've claimed the back corner again.

We will also be considering the human impact on the ecosystem.

Any questions?

Yeah, are you seeing anybody?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am happily married with two kids.

How unfortunate. Right?

Okay, now you're scaring me.

All right, why don't we get down to saving the environment?

Everybody, open up your texts, please. First chapter...

- Oh, hey, guys, this is a nice surprise. - Sorry we're late.

I didn't scare you off last semester. That's good.

Hi, Professor Rierdon.

You know, I'm hot just looking at you both in all those clothes.

And you are...?

I'm Miles. Miles Wallach.

Miles Wallach.

You know, I bought that exact outfit for my husband from the J.Crew catalogue.

I thought this was Bio 311, not Fashion Victim 101.

Yes, it is. So let me get to know the rest of you.

- Jessica Bowers. - Here.

Marilyn...

Hello. Who would you be?

- Keith Cline. - Keith Cline. Leave the tunes at home...

- ... we'll get on much better. - Enemy of fun.

- Michael Zoellick? - Yeah.

Lizzie, Jossie, Don, gotcha. Jason Ortiz?

That's funny. He didn't miss a class all last semester.

Well, welcome to Bio 311, Animal Behaviour and Evolutionary Biology.

So anyway, last I heard...

...he's doing three years down in State.

Well, I'm not surprised, considering how he was in school.

When he was 11 years old, he almost burned his house down.

Yeah.

Anyway, I found them on the property when I was doing a swamp tour.

The fifth time this week.

My customers don't come out here to see dead wildlife, Jay.

Yeah. No, I realize that, Dil.

Definitely attacked by something, that's for sure.

Must have been more than one of whatever it was.

To get two deer.

Well, what you gonna do about it, Jay? I mean, I got a business to run here.

- I'll file a report. - If you don't, I will.

Oh, I will. Don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

Well...

...it's raining. Let's get back on in.

- It's quiet. - It's too quiet.

- Who lives here? - Not us.

- It's freaky. - I'm starving...

...I'm gonna make some soup. You want some?

- Soup in this weather? Are you crazy? - I'm not gonna heat it.

Dan, get in here.

- What? - She did it again.

She rearranged my kitchen cabinets.

I like my mess, Dan. Because I can find whatever I want, even if it's in a box.

- But this I cannot deal with. - Hey, Shell.

- Hi, Dada. - Hello, sweetie, hello!

Go see Mommy. Mommy. Give me, give me, give me.

- What can't you deal with, Madeleine? - It's nothing. It's the heat, the house.

- So how was everybody's day? - Good. They were so sweet.

Yeah? Oh, thanks again, Shell.

We really owe you one for helping out.

I'm glad to do it. Y'all can take care of me when I'm old. Love you.

- See you later. - Bye, Shelly.

Man, it's as hot as Hades here. How do you people stand this?

Somehow we people seem to manage just fine.

We're just about set. Watch out for gators, now.

Gators?

Where are you going?

Well, thought we might want this. We are going night fishing.

You make a fair point, Popeye.

All right, look out, fishies, here we come.